


Salted Wounds

by Claretgirl16



Category: Wentworth (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F, Freakytits - Freeform, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-28
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2018-12-21 03:24:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 48,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11935305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Claretgirl16/pseuds/Claretgirl16
Summary: What would have happened had Joan been freed from Wentworth after her court case in s4 e12, let out as a free woman, but attached to this not guilty verdict and freedom was a term that put her in touch with a psychologist, the only one who was prepared take on such a formidable and infamous woman, a woman no one else would even think of going near.(I had an idea for something different I thought might possibly work, so here is the first part of this idea!)





	1. Chapter 1

Not guilty.  
Two single words.  
Words that meant so much.  
Bared so much weight.  
So much consequence.  
So much freedom.  
Freedom.  
Freedom that no one saw coming.  
They were all sat there in that court space convinced right up to the last minute that she'd be found guilty, and then it happened, the verdict came in.  
Not guilty.  
She was free to go.  
Free to leave Wentworth.  
Freedom.  
Be allowed back out.  
Out into the world.  
Out with the rest of the civilians.  
Not a criminal after all.  
An innocent woman.  
A free woman.  
One who wasn't guilty of any of the crimes she was accused of, as said so by the judge.

 

So that was the verdict and how now, Joan Ferguson had come to be led from the court, but minus the handcuffs she went in in, clasped tight around her wrists for the waiting press to see, being made all the more obvious against the black of the leather of her gloves she was wearing, the same press that were now waiting in earnest as she stepped out of the court door she'd been in and was led along the corridor, through the various people who were waiting in the main foyer, some unaware of who she was, apart from that she was being guided outside by a pair of burly prison officers, neither of whom were taking any notice of anything or anyone else, more interested in getting this woman into the van outside and away from here, back to the prison so this could all be sorted out and put to bed.  
Then the flashes started, the minute those feet crossed the step of the main door out onto the steps that led down to the street, like a pack of vultures all poised and ready for their cameras complete with flashes to get that shot, their small pound of flesh from the woman who would make some of them a nice wad of cash simply by getting that 'winning' shot of her face, of her figure, one that was deemed the 'money shot' to be splayed over the newspaper or magazine, like she was some kind of piece of meat, being paraded out of that courthouse for the press to make money off, feed off, that she was just an entity, a face, a face without a soul.  
Joan Ferguson, a name that had been synonymous with the various accusations that had been thrown her way lately, a woman that nearly everyone was convinced was guilty and would be sent down for a rather long time, a sentence that would see her maybe never come out of Wentworth again, a sentence that would top off her seeming rapid fall from head hunted governor to a lifer at the very prison she used to be in charge of, finding herself spending the rest of her days on the opposite side of the bars, but to the surprise of a lot of people here was the woman herself striding out of the doors, her head still holding high, casting her gaze over the flurry of activity in front of her, a smug and satisfied smirk gracing her lips, this remaining as she vanished from view into the back of the waiting prison van, the press unable to help themselves and their need for stories and pictures by following her down the steps and snapping away with their lenses until there was nothing left to take, the doors of the van acting as a shield from the prying public, the dark haired woman leaning against the cold metal inside, closing her eyes and letting out a breath that had been being held from the moment she stood outside that courthouse, not that any of the people outside would have thought anything more than the calm and serene woman they were graced with that afternoon, and why would they, after all that's what a poker face is all about isn't it?

 

And so back at the prison the formalities had been taken care of, some of if not all the prison officers, obviously shocked that she was back here, but not to stay, to be released, to have her few belongings returned to her, Will Jackson who was now the governor of Wentworth being the one to come to the room to give her the plastic bag with said belongings in, taking the opportunity it seemed to have one last look at the woman who he thought wouldn't ever be set free, quite the opposite in fact, he thought he'd be the one who would be coming down to the prison door to escort her through the usual checks and inspections, and then take her back to her cell as a guilty 'lifer' to slam the door on and then have another look just to check she was really in there before walking away, that was if she hadn't have been needed to be locked in protection to start with due to the backlash of the women for the judge doing what they all thought he should do, and that consisted of something with quite the amount of violence and harm no doubt if you'd have asked any of them, relying on their basic animal instincts against the woman they saw as the vermin in the prison, the threat to be taken down, gotten rid of, annihilated.  
With her strides taking her from the back of the prison, through the walk ways and corridors the guards and staff were usually the only ones to tread, an officer at her side, Joan made her way through the maze that was the 'hidden' paths of the prison, the ones that led to physical freedom, freedom she wasn't sure would ever come to her again. The familiar sounds and sights of the daily life of the correctional facility getting quieter and quieter as she was led to a side door, one just off the main entrance that was the main one that they let the freed inmates leave by, one that was more private and not so much one that mixed them with the incoming of visitors and staff that happened in the main entrance.  
One final door and she stepped out, out into the sun, her grey, long cardigan billowing in the light breeze, brown eyes flickering and squinting at the sudden influx of bright light into her vision, trying to adjust to the natural light that was cast upon her after extended periods of time in dull, unnatural lights, lights that were no were near the same strength as outside. A unharmed hand clutching a clear bag containing her few belongings that she was bringing back out with her, things that her seemingly kept her company whilst she had been locked up inside, the things that had now come back out the other side of the journey with her, looking left and then right, furrowing her brow as a small framed, short woman dressed in a pair of tailored suit trousers, court shoes and a sleeveless blouse, the top portion of her mousy, brown hair scraped back off her face and secured with a clip, the rest loose on her shoulders, wearing a watch and earrings, a single ring on her right hand, came towards her and then stopped a couple of steps from her, still a few inches shorter than Joan even with the added height of her shoes.  
"Ms Ferguson?" she said, looking directly at the woman in question, the taller woman looking her up and down, studying her, taking her in, obviously not having any idea who this woman could be and certainly not expecting her to know her name and who she was, the brown eyes carefully trying to decide if she should answer or not, eventually she spoke back.  
"Yes, and who are you?" her tone quiet but firm, turning fully to face the smaller woman, still gripping the bag of belongings, crossing her hands in front of her, stood almost like a soldier, a tall, strong soldier, head high and eyes not moving from the stranger near her.

 

So let's see how this next bit goes now I've found the woman in question.  
Joan Ferguson.  
The currently famous Joan Ferguson.  
Some might say the infamous Joan Ferguson.  
The name that brought with it a variety of things and feelings.  
"My name is Ms Bennett, I'm a psychologist, namely the one that's been assigned to you now that you've been released from prison" the younger woman's answer soft and casual, giving Joan a little smile.  
On the judge announcing the not guilty verdict, he also laid down some conditions that were attached to Joan's release, namely that she was to be paired up with a mental health team, the main person being a psychologist in order to help her adjust to life on the outside, as well as offering her support given the difficulties she'd had previously in regards to trouble with her mental health in the past. This particular avenue had been a tricky one to arrange, because most of the psychologists in the area had heard more than enough about the infamous ex governor and refused to take her on, telling the court they didn't want any part in treatment for someone they considered too much to take on, too hard work and someone none of them had time for, that she seemed too beyond help, too much of a workload for them to even consider accepting, that the thought of taking on a woman with such a track record of various things in her past before she was moved into Wentworth was a road to nothing, that she wasn't welcome in their place of work, even though it was their profession, all of them flatly saying no until the court had found Vera, the younger woman immediately saying yes to what she was being asked, that she would take on Joan and her case, that she'd be willing to support the older woman in her needs and help her settle back into life outside of Wentworth, as well as assisting in any treatment and care that might be needed, in the form of weekly appointments and anything outside of this.  
Still Joan looked her over, like she was surveying something she might be about to decide on if she was wanting to buy in the shop, looking over a piece of furniture for anything she might consider a defect, or something about it she might not like, only this time it wasn't an object, not in that sense, it was a someone, a person, a woman, the woman who had decided to be the one to volunteer herself to the court to 'do her best' with the recently freed prisoner.  
"How unfortunate that you're the one who pulled the short straw Ms Bennett, it might become clear to you very quickly that I am not one for needing any kind of help, especially not from any...psychologist" the last word rolling smoothly off her tongue, casting her eyes once again over Vera, before she then raised her head back up to its normal position, eyeing the younger woman from this higher plane, scoffing lightly at the younger woman in her presence and how absurd she found the situation she was currently in, hardly believing they'd sent someone of Vera's age and stature to be the one who was going to be the psychologist who was heading Joan's aftercare on being released from prison.

 

Of all the people it could've been.  
It's her.  
Her.  
This is ridiculous.  
It's bad enough to have to go through this pointless charade in the first place.  
But the charade has just taken on a whole other level of stupidity and ridiculous now.  
Ms Bennett.  
A woman who is, well who knows how old she is.  
You've really not a clue what you're getting into do you.  
How much of a waste of time this is going to be for everyone.  
Especially you.  
Especially you.  
Oh how naive I assume you're going to be in this situation.  
So naive.  
You're not going to achieve anything.  
Not a thing.


	2. Chapter 2

A click and a slight creak and the door was opening.  
The front door she'd not opened for months, not been near for months.  
The door that led into her sanctuary, her space, her safe house quite literally.  
Her safe house she'd been deprived of for such a long time.  
The place where she could actually relax.  
Let her guard down.  
Not have to worry about anything.  
Just allow herself to be.  
Wandering her eyes over the space between the stairs and the front door, her eyes fell on the little bowl that used to house her hair pins from when she was governor, the space where the first peeling off of her armour started every day after her shift, the first time all day she was allowed to start to relax, to not have to have to hold the 'shield' in place, keeping the distance between her and her staff, the inmates, everyone in the prison, the house being a free place in every sense of the word.  
Moving her eyes to look at the coat hooks to her left, and then back down to the empty bowl on the table, the mat at her feet also empty, her nostrils flaring, the scent of the house filling them, a slight dusty odour hitting her nose, something alien to her since it'd been spotless and fresh all those months ago, oh how long ago that seemed, a long and strong left arm suddenly springing out to swipe the empty bowl onto the floor, the object hitting the floor with a clatter but not breaking, quickly followed by the table lamp, this time the minute it hit the floor it smashed, the pot base shattering into lots of small pieces, the shards littering the floor at her feet as she looked down at the mess, flared nostrils and heavy breathing in sync, the plastic bag having also found its way onto the floor with the broken lamp, brown eyes slowly moving up from the chaos and surveying her kingdom, the place that she had been deprived of for a significant amount of time, they'd tried to fully take it away from her, just like they'd succeeded with the governorship, the very thing that Will Jackson had claimed as his own, lord of the Wentworth manor, two shiny crowns gracing his Neanderthal shoulders, crowns that should've been hers, that she'd work so hard for, all that effort for what, to have it swiped away and then be thrown into a secure asylum facility and then into Wentworth, locked up like an animal with the rest of the worthless minions, the 'real' criminals, not her, the ones that get things done, earned their place at the top, or had done until it'd all been taken away and now here she was being told by a judge yes she was free to go, she wasn't guilty but as part of this freedom she had to attend appointments with a psychologist, to help her with any difficulties she might have with leaving prison and getting back into living in society, also due to her past record of suffering with her mental health the judge thought it'd be a good idea.

 

Picking her bag up from the floor, she moved across the mess on the floor, placing the bag on the dining table, moving to her cleaning cupboard and getting out all her cleaning products and cloths, slipping on a pair of rubber gloves as she filled up her cleaning bucket with water and then proceeded to start cleaning the house, starting with the kitchen, scrubbing in earnest, wanting to rid the house of the dirt and grime in her eyes it was steeped in, that clung to it, showed signs and memories of her time inside, making her remember more than she wanted.  
And so she scrubbed and scrubbed the entire house, the fumes itching her exposed skin having already peeled off and disguarded her cardigan a while ago, filling her nostrils, her senses, the smell of bleach becoming somewhat of a heady scent as she started to be choked by the fumes, wiping her brow with the top of her forearm as she paused knelt down on her bathroom floor, sitting back on her legs and taking a moment, her eyes for some reason moving down into the gleaming toilet bowl, her stomach suddenly lurching as the bleach smell caught the back of her throat, a flash of a scene from the asylum facility she'd been placed in after the fire appearing before her eyes, the odour that that pervert of a 'man' who'd placed his hand on her thigh while she sat in the chair upset and then even more so all over her when he forced her up against the wall, took advantage of her, the way his lips burned her neck as if he was spreading acid on her skin, infecting her with some virus, something to paralyse her body, keep her from moving, like a mannequin pinned against the wall, having his wicked way with her, his patient, his vulnerable patient, this causing her to spring forward and vomit at the flashback, her hands gripping either side of the toilet bowl, head lulling into said toilet bowl, undoing the numerous minutes she'd just spent scrubbing away the grime and dirt, this being replaced by the small contents of her stomach, having not eaten much before her trial or during her stay in Wentworth.  
With now slightly heavy breathing and a sheen of sweat on her brow she sat back on her legs again, swallowing hard at the memory, it catching her off guard, not expecting it, flicking her eyes around her immediate surroundings of the bathroom, seeing she was still alone, peeling her gloves off, dropping them to the floor and tearing off a piece of kitchen towel from the roll at her side that she'd been carrying around the house, to wipe her mouth, the acidic taste lingering in her throat and mouth.

 

Pausing for a few moments she looked at the small stain that had appeared in the toilet since she'd flushed away the previous contents of her stomach, gingerly getting to her feet aided by the toilet, moving over to the sink which too had been meticulously scrubbed to her standards not long ago, taking a moment before she turned the tap on, leaning on the sink itself as she caught sight of herself in the mirror that was fixed to the wall in front of her, brown eyes wandering over her face, the paleness in her complexion, the extra lines around her eyes that were obvious to her, the way she seemed to have aged in her face since she'd been locked up in the various places they'd held her like some kind of animal, her observations making her nostrils flare, her lip twitch, her fingers momentarily curl that bit tighter around the sink, this was before as quick as a fencer was she catapulted her right fist out and hit the mirror square in the middle causing the glass to spider web and then shatter, hissing at the pain gracing her knuckles, the crimson red trails trickling down her fingers and landing a few drops into the pure white bowl and glass shards underneath them.  
"How dare they lock me up, lock me up like I'm some kind of animal, some kind of criminal, but I'm not, because I'm free, free and out of that cage, freed by the judge, found not guilty by him" her eyes narrowing as she glanced down into the sink, her reflection now multiplied by the various pieces of glass that had tumbled down off the wall with the force of her punch, brown eyes flicking between as many shards as she could in the haze of bleach and pain, blood dropping on said shards blurring her view of herself, clutching her injured fist with her burnt left that was still in its glove, squeezing to try and stem the flow of blood, this causing a louder hiss in pain, the throb of her pulse being felt against the long fingers of her left hand, reluctantly and quickly grabbing for one of the grey hand towels that was neatly housed nearby on the towel rack, closing her eyes as she used it to apply pressure, pressure that started to feel quite pleasant in terms of numbing her pain, stemming the flow of blood as well as acting like a momentary painkiller.  
Heavy legs from her vomiting and now her injured hand caused Joan to lower herself to the floor, moving a bit away from the scene of both incidents and come to be sat on the floor, leaning back against the large corner bath, her long legs stretched out in front of her, clutching her injured hand closer to her chest, allowing herself a few minutes to close her eyes, taking in the calm and quiet of her surroundings, her house, her bathroom, the quiet and calm she'd not been afforded for what seemed like so long over the past few months, definitely not in that cess pit of an asylum they shipped her off to, definitely not in there.  
All the people who deserved to be in there.  
Had given the authorities cause to lock them up.  
To lock them away.  
House them in the various rooms and units they did.  
Keep them dosed up on whatever they dosed them up on.  
To keep them in line.  
To keep them normal.  
To keep them out of society.  
Away from the civilized people.

 

Letting her body try to relax that bit more, she rested more of her weight against the bath, her head leaning back more, the back of her hair and head touching the cold tiles behind them, the temperature a welcome contrast to the heat and simmering furnace she currently felt in her mind, sighing at the coolness she felt, her chest feeling less restrictive, less heavy, less tight, less anxious, less like there was a weight upon it, suffocating her, this new found relaxation flowing to the rest of her body, her being, feeling herself slowly start to sag that bit more against the bath as her body gave into itself and gradually fell to sleep, sat up against the bath, an injured hand still wrapped in the towel which had stopped the flow of blood, now resting in her lap against the dark of her leggings.


	3. Chapter 3

Appointments.  
Appointments with a psychologist.  
An actual psychologist.  
Ones she was made to attend.  
Made to as part of her freedom by the judge.  
Him thinking in some weird way that it'd help.  
That it'd offer her more support.  
Some assistance.  
Assistance now she was out of prison.  
Freedom but not from others.  
From the system.  
The mental health system.  
One that was there to help weak people.  
People who didn't get things done.  
Who didn't sort themselves out well.  
Conduct themselves properly.  
That's not me.  
Not me at all.  
Not Joan Ferguson.  
I'm more than capable of conducting my own business thank you.  
  
  
  
Oh the irony of these thoughts as her steps came to a stop on the pavement outside the address she'd been given, she'd taken a cab to a place a few streets away from where the actual hospital was she'd been told to attend, and it was told, told by a judge, not asked, told. She might have been forced to go to this godforsaken place, but she'd be damned if a cab driver was going to drop her off in front of it, this was no way happening, she'd walk the couple of streets to it on her own, just her seeing the place, alone. Looking up at the building she was surprised, it was rather modern, beige brickwork mixed with terracotta, sloping roof, all clean and fresh looking in the Melbourne summer morning sunshine, a tunnel on the left hand side led to more car parking spaces around the back, and a set of tinted, big glass doors on the right corner on the front of the building Joan guessed was the main entrance given the amount of people coming in and out of them.  
Looking down she glanced at the letter she'd pulled out of her pocket with all the information on it about her appointment, her eyes wandering over the main lines of text in the middle of the letter, especially the names.  
Ms Ferguson.  
Ms V Bennett.  
V.  
V.  
What could that stand for.  
Victoria?   
Veronica?  
Her mind only able to think of two names beginning with V as she stood outside the building, sliding the letter back in her pocket and walking across the small car park at the front, and through the main doors, the coolness of the air conditioning hitting her as soon as she did, a shiver running down her spine at the change in temperature.  
Left and right her eyes looked, then back in front of her, a woman sat behind a reception desk talking to and then directing another woman about Joan's age, Joan watching as said woman walked past her and up a corridor to the left of the reception desk.  
"Are you ok there?" came a soft voice, Joan frowning at it, still looking to where the woman had walked. "Can I help you?" another couple of seconds and then Joan slowly looked towards the voice, the woman smiling back at her from behind the desk. "Good morning, can I help you?" she asked again, her tone bright and cheerful.  
"I have an appointment, it says on the letter I have to report...report to reception when I arrive to be shown where to go?" this alone enough for her lip to twitch, the fact she was having to ask this woman who was only slightly younger than herself where she had to go, asking her for some assistance, telling the woman the name of Ms Bennett, the woman instantly knowing where she needed to go.  
"If you take this corridor right through both sets of double doors and then take a left, right to the end and then you'll see Ms Bennett's door second on the left, she's in the quiet side of the hospital, and I'll ring through to let her know that you're here" smiled the woman, not getting anything back from Joan except a stare, it obvious she wasn't going to give one back anytime soon, instead giving a silent nod and making her way in the direction she'd been pointed to, hearing the click of a telephone being picked up from behind her as soon as she started walking, the woman starting to ring through.  
  
  
  
Being in a hospital that I shouldn't be in.  
Being made to seen a psychologist.  
Not asked, told.  
It's ridiculous.  
Don't these people know who I am.  
That I am capable on my own.  
That I don't need to see anyone.  
That I don't need her help.  
What's she going to do anyway?  
Talk to me.  
Or down to me more like.  
Treat and talk to me like a child.  
Try and belittle me.  
Well she can't and she won't.  
This is going to be a complete waste of time, especially mine.  
She'll see what a waste it'll be and then she'll have to admit as much herself.  
Pathetic set of events this all is.  
  
  
  
Reaching the door she'd been told would be Ms Bennett's she looked at the name silver plaque on the outside of said door, the name printed into it in black:  
**_Ms V Bennett (PhD)._**  
**_Clinical Psychologist._ **  
Just reading it made her lip twitch a little, re reading it before reluctantly knocking twice on the light wooden door.  
"Come in" the voice on the other side said, Joan pushing down the metal handle and against the door at the same time, revealing Vera on the other side, the younger woman standing up from her chair behind her desk in the corner, dressed in a white, cap sleeved blouse, figure hugging black trousers and a pair of kitten heeled, peep toed shoes, her hair in the same style as when she'd introduced herself to Joan outside the prison the previous week, smiling at the other woman as soon as she saw her.  
"Ms Ferguson...please come in, take a seat" motioning to the comfy looking seating area in the corner, a comfy sofa and chair there with a couple of cushions on the sofa, a little coffee table in between them. "Is it ok for me to call you Joan?" following the older woman over to the corner of the room.  
"If you must" was the blunt answer from Joan, taking the short trip to sit on the sofa, taking this time to look around the room, it was more modern and that bit nicer than she expected, the desk not dissimilar to the one she had at Wentworth tucked into the corner, with the usual set up of a computer, a small pile of neatly stacked papers to one side of the monitor, nearby against the wall was a neatly arranged, solid wood bookcase, the books of varying sizes seemingly in alphabetical order, a little desk lamp being housed on the opposite side of the desk to the papers.  
The deco was plain but tasteful, all wood furnishings in terms of furniture apart from the big office chair, and the comfy seats, beige walls with lighter cream carpets, if you were that warm inclined you could call it a little cosy, not that Joan would have used this word.  
"Hello Joan, my name's Vera and I'm going to be the person working with you for the foreseeable future" seating herself in the chair after placing a box of tissues and a bottle of water on the coffee table, the two items drawing Joan's eyes, Vera seeing this and watching the other woman.  
"We certainly won't be needing either of those things" Joan remarked dryly, almost as if Vera putting both things on the table was laughable, some kind of joke.  
"Now I know being here can be scary, especially when it's with someone namely me you don't know, but I'd like to try and help it not be as scary, to help you feel more comfortable, over time gain or at least try to gain a form of trust between us. I'm here to help you feel better in yourself and work on anything that might be difficult or troubling you, be it in the present or from your past, no matter what it is, big or small I'm here to help" wanting to start off with the basics and introduce the nature of her work and what she offered in terms of helping Joan, acknowledging that the present situation is one that the older woman probably found scary, also given the fact she'd been told by the judge it was mandatory and part of her release clause.  
  
  
  
Joan scoffed lightly at the words, glancing quickly and then away from Vera, her eyes wandering over a couple of the canvases on the wall and then between the framed certificates on Vera's desk, frames that housed the degrees she'd achieved as well as her doctorate certificate and the one that showed her chartered status.  
"I'd imagine for you to have gained the position of governor of Wentworth you'd have a few framed certificates too, hmm?" Vera said, having not even turned around to see where Joan was looking, going off the direction of Joan's eyes past her, this remark catching Joan's attention and bringing her eyes back to Vera's, the younger woman giving her a smile. "Seeing that you're a clever woman yourself".  
"And what of it?" furrowing her brows at Vera's remark.  
"I'm simply saying that I know to be governor that that comes with many years of hard work, skill, and intelligence, and you gained that position, so you obvious hone these kinds of qualities yourself".  
Joan studied her face as spoke, taking in her features and seeing the kind of face she made as she answered, any mocking signs, insincerity. "And you'd know what about being governor of a correctional facility exactly.." narrowing her brown eyes a little.  
"Well I don't know anything personally..".  
"Then you can't say a thing really" Joan interrupted before Vera could finish her sentence.  
"But I can give my thoughts and opinions on thinking that to achieve such status isn't something that's achieved lightly, it takes a lot of intelligence, which you have" not saying anything as she saw Joan look at her, narrowing her eyes again, as if trying to work out a mental puzzle but not fully able to do so.  
Sat in a room with a younger woman, who was also a psychologist, a psychologist she had been made to come too, made to see to try and 'help' her due to a little bit of past history of struggles that had ended up with her in an asylum, for nothing more than a little hiccup that she could've handled, is not what Joan expected to have been doing on the first Monday morning of her release from Wentworth, not expected at all.  
  
  
  
Vera Bennett speaking to me about intelligence.  
My intelligence?  
She's saying she sees my intelligence.  
Actually sees it. But does she really see it.  
Does she understand how smart I am?  
That I do things for the greater good.  
That her own mind can't go up against mine.  
Can't compete.  
How can it?  
How can it possibly do that?


	4. Chapter 4

Last patient of the day had just left, closed the door on Vera's office and her day, allowing her to sit back that bit further in her plush office chair, slip her court shoes off in the process, flexing her toes to ease the discomfort they felt at being squashed into such a confined vice for so many hours every day, you'd think after all these years that she'd have got used to them but she didn't and she didn't think she ever would, she'd have much rather be in a pair of slippers if truth be told, her comfy, fluffy slippers, now that would be heaven on her feet, and they'd agree it was too at the end of her busy days.  
With her eyes closed she allowed herself a few moments of resting back against the soft leather of her desk chair, the way she easily fit her small frame into the large cushions at the back and the one she sat on, the chair she'd had to lower a little bit when it'd first been brought to her as a new chair to get it to the exact and most comfortable height for her smaller legs and smaller frame, well if she was going to be doing long days and hours in the office and at her desk she had to be comfortable.  
This is something she didn't imagine she'd be doing yet here she was, after her normal working hours, sat in her office files and papers all over her desk, namely files and papers about Joan.  
Joan Ferguson.

 

When she decided to take on Joan's 'case' as the court people had not so nicely put it, she wanted to do as much research as she could, get the woman's medical history, notes, files, anything that was to do with Joan, anything to help Vera discover more things about the woman herself seen as no one else wanted to bother with her, wouldn't go anywhere near the woman or her file so she'd been told, hence her taking the case herself, but at the same time wanting to try and know as much as she could, if she could about what made all the other psychologists and mental health professionals in Victoria so reluctant to even consider her and her case, flat out refusing to as soon as the name was mentioned, none of them wanting to have any kind of involvement with her, saying she was a 'nutcase' and 'beyond help anyone could offer', 'she shouldn't have ever been let out of Sinclair', she'd even heard some random comment by a person unknown that Joan deserved to die in Sinclair, this comment being hard for Vera to hear, because even though she didn't know Joan, she found it hard to fathom why someone would say such a thing about a woman who clearly needed help on some level, due to the judge making her therapy and appointments as a part of her release clause, especially for a woman who'd gained such a high status in the correctional facilities 'world', this drawing her attention to Joan and her case that bit more, as well as being interested to find out why people considered her so much of a lost cause, something Vera herself didn't believe in very often, a term she'd only consider giving much thought to if the person really had shown that they seemed too far gone mentally to be given any kind of safety rope and to use this given rope to get better, to improve their quality of life, then she'd consider it true and concede she couldn't help them in any way, something she'd not felt about Joan at this early stage, not that she'd ever met the woman before that first encounter outside the prison, but some gut instinct told her to take the case on, to give it a go, do some research and take it from there, give it and her a chance of sorts.  
"So they deem you a lost cause do they and why would they make this judgement of you hmmm?" Vera asked herself out loud as she sat looking at the first page of the brown prison file of the woman in question, her mug shot from when she'd entered Wentworth staring back at her, Vera wandered her eyes over Joan's picture, how her demeanour and appearance seemed softer in the picture, the addition of her hair loose around her shoulders adding to this, the way she wasn't in uniform but her own clothes, there was something about her eyes, the look she had in them that also caught Vera's attention, she thought they looked tired, sad, a hint of vulnerability in them.  
Next Vera looked at Joan's personal details, seeing that the addition of any family of any kind was none existent, she didn't have anyone else at all, no next of kin, no dependants, no partner, from what Vera was reading this woman had nobody else close to her in her life.

 

She was alone.  
Actually alone.  
In the fullest sense of the word.  
On her own in the world.  
No one else here for her.  
No one around for her.  
Just her on her own.

 

Whilst Vera had dealt with other patients previously who'd been alone at first, eventually they'd been reunited and connected with their family who were actually nearer than first thought as well as wanting to help their loved ones, circumstances and time had just temporarily pushed them apart until the situation arose when they needed help and people who loved them rallied around to assist them, to bring them back into the family fold, to a place and with people who wanted to help and see the person get better.  
But now, this time it was totally different for this patient, this person, for Joan.  
This woman who'd had a high ranking job within the correctional facilities, had climbed the ladder, had worked her ass off by all accounts, obviously had talent for what she did, must have been a person people head hunted and knew could get the job done, was now in totally the opposite situation, with no job, having just been released from the place she used to be in charge of, been banished from her job, the only job and career she seems to have had, and all through this she's been alone, totally alone, not another soul in the world to visit or help her, to even attempt to reach out to her.  
Vera allowed what bit she'd finished reading in the prison file to sink in, the sadness she suddenly felt causing her to swallow at the little lump in her throat, it being hard for her to read, momentarily pausing and putting the file down, taking a sip from the bottle of water that was off to the side of her desk.

 

What's going on here with me?  
All I've done is read some of her file and I feel a wave of sadness.  
A sadness at what though?  
Not for me.  
But for her.  
The fact she's got no one else in this world at all.  
I've looked through her records and there's no one.  
No one in her life.  
It's like she's always been on her own.

 

Screwing the cap back on the bottle, Vera resumed the pages she was reading, wanting to read at least a couple more before she called it a day and went home, a small yawn telling her that that was what was indeed after she'd finished reading, clearing her throat she continued to read.  
"Ms Bennett...Vera?" a voice filtering into her ears, it seeming far away and then it came closer, her brow furrowing as she glanced around, the room in darkness but then light came into her eyes from close by, as close by as the lamp on her desk, it was dark because she'd had her eyes closed, fallen asleep closed, her arms grateful that she was no longer leaning on them, crossed on the desk so they could get some blood supply into them and the voice turned out to be one of the cleaners who'd seen her light on and wanted to check she was ok.  
"Yes?" she mumbled sleepily, trying to pull her clothing straight as she sat up.  
"I just wanted to check everything was ok and you were ok, I came past and saw your light on so that's why I knocked and then came in" the woman smiled kindly.  
"Yeah I'm fine thank you Carol I must have fallen asleep, yes it's one of those days, and a cue for me to go home too I think" Vera replied, chuckling at herself, causing Carol to smile and nod, leaving the room as Vera closed the prison file, gathering the rest of them from over her desk and stacking them in a pile, placing this pile in her bottom desk drawer and locking it, the key being slid into her trouser pocket, quickly slipping her feet back into her shoes, turning her computer off, her lamp off, gathering her handbag, making sure it was all tidy before she left her office, closing the door behind her and heading off down the corridor, her heels signalling her exit as they tap tapped on the solid concrete floor of the hospital.


	5. Chapter 5

Seconds out round two.  
Round two of this pointless exercise.  
Because that's what it was.  
Totally pointless.  
A farce.  
A total farce.  
A complete waste of my time.  
This woman who was younger than me.  
Sat here smiling at me.  
Why is she smiling?  
And smiling at me?  
What could possibly make her smile in all this?  
What reason does she have to smile?  
She shouldn't be smiling.

 

Giving a soft sigh Joan glanced to Vera and then away, looking back again when the woman remained silent and didn't say anything to her.  
"Well, are you just going to sit there and smile at me?" Joan barked into the silence between them, the woman's smile and happy expression seemingly enough to irritate her.  
"I'm only smiling that's all, I like your choice of outfit Joan, it suits you" she replied calmly and softly, not a hint of insincerity in her tone or her face.  
Joan's brow furrowed and then relaxed before furrowing again and she glanced down a little at what she was wearing, a combination of a loose fitting, scoop neck, grey blouse underneath a black cardigan, black loose fitting trousers, her hair pulled back into a pony tail, flat shoes on her feet, not that this tall woman needed heeled shoes to give her anymore height and Vera sensed she might not be the type to enjoy wearing heels in any capacity, a sentiment she herself could understand.  
"Is that some ploy that you'd employ towards me?" Joan asked, her eyes back on the younger woman who sat on the chair across from her, the coffee table with the usual box of tissues and fresh bottle of water on it, keeping the space between them at a satisfactory level for the ex governor, it wasn't a massive distance but given the circumstances it would do.  
"No ploy at all Joan, a simple and honest observation of your outfit that I wanted to share with you, so I did" Vera gave back, calmly and simply her eyes on the older woman, Joan once again studying the face of the smaller woman, unable to detect and deceit in her words or expression, both matching up with the sentiment it was given in. "It seems you might not be used to compliments on your appearance, but I could be wrong" she added gently, seeing a small furrow in Joan's brow once again at the comment, once again setting off the cogs in the older woman's mind, knowing she'd be trying to figure out a suitable response to the comment just said.

 

You can see her thinking.  
The cogs turning in that head.  
That head filled with only things she knows.  
Things she's stored away.  
Stuffed down.  
Buried.  
Trying to decide her next verbal move.  
How she should respond to me.  
The outfit compliment not one she expected.  
The look on her face after I'd said.  
A look of someone who didn't expect it at all.  
It being the last thing she expected.  
Now she's working out a comeback.  
A come back to me.

 

Joan narrowed her eyes at Vera, looking over her face, like the younger woman was an object up for scrutiny, a puzzle Joan was trying to work out, having not expected her to give her such a pleasant comment regarding what she was wearing, something she didn't expect at all.  
"Things of this nature are of no business of yours" she gave back, a shorter answer than she'd have liked, Vera's observation and subsequent comment about others and noticing her appearance and what she wore on her mind as she tried to reply, causing her thinking to be on this at the same time as trying to answer, resulting in her short answer.  
"It's simply an honest observation Joan" Vera replied still calm and soft in her response. "How about you tell me a little bit about yourself and your family?" she added gently, seeing the older woman's expression shift, her eyes widening ever so slightly, a tension entering her jaw line, nostrils flaring at the request, little subtle changes in her behaviour that Vera immediately picked up on, things that a lot of people they wouldn't spot but she did, she saw these small signs as signs of Joan being uncomfortable and what people might refer to as being triggered.  
"I told you, it's none of your business" Joan snapped back, her fists clenching and then loosening in her lap, eyes fixed on Vera's blue ones, her stance in the chair shifting yet again, defences primed.  
"I understand things of this nature might be painful for you, things you've bottled up over a long time, not spoken about to anyone at all, pain and fear that you've had to carry around with you for an equally long time.." Vera started, wanting to carry on speaking, but being careful with her approach on seeing Joan's reaction, not wanting to upset her if she could help it.  
"I'll advise you to cease in that vein of conversation" Joan murmured back, her voice teetering on a low growl, a defensive growl.  
"Have you ever thought about maybe reaching out for some help, some support, because you deserve that Joan, you deserve to be supported and given help in whatever form that might be" believing and trying to convey that she did think the older woman worthy of such help and support.

 

Two words.  
Help and support.  
Alien words.  
Words Joan couldn't stand.  
Hated hearing.  
Thinking such terms as weak and low.  
A bit like the connotations they'd attach to her if she said or even thought of them.  
And now here she was sat with a woman saying them.  
A younger woman.  
A younger woman sat in front of her saying them.  
Saying them to her.  
That maybe she warranted them.  
Needed them.  
Would somehow benefit from them.  
She.  
Her.  
Joan Ferguson.  
Benefit from help.  
Support.  
Doesn't she know who I am?

 

With her mind fizzing with the sudden overload of being faced with two words she found some of the most difficult to hear, her mind wandering over all the connotations those words held, a wave of suppressed emotion escaped from its confines and momentarily bubbled to the surface, making itself known in the form of Joan leaning forward, grabbing the bottle of water and squeezing it tight in her right hand, her fist and arm shaking with the force she was exerting on the thin plastic under her grip, the material bulging and bowing under the pressure, the liquid being forced up and below the vice like grip of the older woman's hand, her jaw clenching even harder as she squeezed like a boa constrictor that bit more against the object in her hand, a liquid keg threatening to explode if the pressure continued.  
"It's alright Joan, you're safe here and don't have to be scared here, nothing said will ever go outside of this room, outside of between the both of us, ever" came the soft words from Vera seeing Joan's obvious distress and change in demeanour, trying to help calm her.  
Still she squeezed the water bottle, her arm shaking even more with the tension it held, her vice like grip still on the bottle.  
"Joan, you're safe, you're safe Joan" Vera repeated a few times softly but firmly her eyes on the other woman all the time, not advancing her position or encroaching the older woman's personal space, giving her that freedom whilst she went through the blast of emotion she was currently experiencing.  
Repetition, soft, calm repetition of the same phrase eventually started filtering through to the ears and psyche of the older woman, Vera watching as the grip lessened on the bottle, so much so that she reached across and took it from Joan, setting it down on the table and then sat back on her chair regaining her position and giving Joan the space she deserved and needed, something she didn't think some people understood in regards to clients like Joan and then wondered why they erupted in your face even more and didn't make much progress, she'd heard of this from other clients that had moved to herself from other 'not so helpful therapists', ones that hadn't responded in the best way because said therapists hadn't totally understood that if they were angry or overcome with emotion, and it was bubbling up and out then you gave them space and sometimes said something and sometimes said nothing, sometimes words weren't needed, sometimes patience and time was needed, followed by slipping in the odd comforting word or phrase, just like now.  
Seeing her chest rise and fall slower than before, her body becoming that bit looser, a twitch of the lip and then a look in Vera's direction, Vera saw the calm returning to Joan, brown eyes searching Vera's face, getting back nothing but a sympathetic and kind smile from the younger woman.  
"Are you ok?" Vera asked gently and quietly, waiting for a few moments not sure if she'd get any kind of response, eventually seeing a small nod from Joan signalling without the need for words that she was, Vera giving her an affirming nod and another soft smile back in return.

 

Well Vera it looks like you've discovered your first tender point.  
Your first trigger.  
Seems the talk of family or anything connected to that is something to go off, an anchor point for Joan.  
Something that needs a bit of gentle exploration.  
Gentle discovery.  
Finding out a bit more about the woman herself and why it's as sore a subject as it is.  
There's certainly something that's gone on that's caused the trauma, distress and pain it has.  
Something or a succession of things that she's kept locked away for quite some time.  
Locked away because of, well, that's anyone's guess.  
Seems there's some work here for you Vera.  
Quite a bit of work.  
Work that no one else was prepared to take on.


	6. Chapter 6

Pushing her front door Joan entered her house and shut the door behind her, her keys going into her little bowl, lining her shoes up on the mat as she slipped them off her feet, padding over to the stairs and sitting down on the next to the bottom step her head going into her hands, closing her eyes.

 

What the fuck was that?  
I lost control somewhat in there.  
In that session.  
In front of her.  
In front of Vera.  
That wasn't the deal.  
Wasn't part of the plan.  
Not something that's allowed.  
That I'm allowed to do.  
It's bad.  
Weak.  
Pathetic.  
Like me.  
Like I've always been.  
And always been told I am.  
Had it drummed into me about weakness.  
Not showing a chink of it to anyone.

 

After a few moments she got to her feet and made her way into the kitchen, retrieving the bottle of vodka from the freezer, followed by a frozen shot glass, setting them both down on the kitchen surface, pouring and then quickly draining a shot, refilling it and then repeating the process for a second and then third time, then leaning forward and resting herself over the counter, once again closing her eyes, the rush of the spirit travelling down her insides and giving her a warm and heady feeling at the sudden influx of three pure vodka shots on an empty stomach, clearing her throat and then slowly opening her eyes, wandering them over the bottle and shot glass again, curling the fingers of her right hand around said glass and squeezing, her eyes going back to being closed as she did so memories returned of being sat in the room with Vera less than an hour ago, seeing the distorted water bottle in front of her on the coffee table, the bottle she'd squeezed to within an inch of its life, a couple of minutes from the water bursting out all over her and the room, possibly the other woman too. It was like when Vera was talking her in her haze of anger that her words were miles away and then slowly approached her, a steady approach and not an aggressive ambush, an ambush of belittling words and phrases that she'd expected, things she'd gotten in the past, the younger woman had thrown Joan an unexpected curve ball, she was dare a little Joan think of the alien word 'nice', Vera had been nice to her, done the opposite of what Joan had expected, assumed, predicted, especially since she'd lost a bit of her self control, gotten a bit frustrated, a little triggered by the topic at the time, feeling a sense of anger bubbling to the surface, this causing her to grip the nearest thing, the bottle, the bottle taking the brunt of her feelings at the time, wanting to take it out on something, and the bottle was the nearest thing she could grab, in the past she'd only reacted when at home in private, a major reaction being after she'd heard Bea and Doreen mocking her after Doreen had had her baby, this time it'd been her house that had felt the full force of this reaction, starting with the goldfish bowl, after this it felt like she needed to unleash it all, get it all out, like there was this searing pain and weight throughout her being, something she felt she couldn't hold back, a tidal wave of emotional pain submerging her that she had to try and lessen somehow, get some relief, lessen to be able to breathe and smashing the breakable things to hand in her house seemed to offer this relief.

 

And it seemed a similar thing had happened here today again, the younger woman had started speaking about 'help and support', these two words causing a spark, a spark against the psyche of the older woman, these words she didn't think could or should be used around her given their connotations, their horrible, weak connotations, words she'd had drummed into her that you weren't allowed to use and things you weren't to ask for, especially herself because she wasn't worthy of such things and things such as help and support made you look weak to others and others weren't to be trusted, others had the chance to hurt you and also Joan Ferguson was too bad a person to deserve any kind of sympathy from someone, she hadn't and wouldn't ever earn such a thing because she was nothing, she was too sensitive, not good enough.  
So when Vera had started talking about it and talking about it with her name together in the same sentence, she couldn't handle it, didn't want to hear it, it sparked a flash of something, a flash of anger, anger at painful memories, memories she thought she'd gotten rid of, pushed into the abyss, the abyss she wouldn't have to think about anymore, but two simple words this afternoon had brought it all back, pulled in from the darkness along with her reaction to it.  
But then Vera's reaction and handling of her own response had been a surprise to her, she'd been patient, understanding, validating, things Joan wouldn't have expected from a professional such as her, she had images of belittling, shouting, talking down, making fun of, all the things she'd been used to, expected, Vera had caught her off guard, her patient and soft tone of voice brought her out of the red haze of anger that had consumed her, taken over her being, and she'd managed to do it rather easily, it not lasting as long as it had in the past, and less destructive.

 

Opening her eyes she looked at the shot glass in her hand, after a few minutes she loosened her grip and placed it back down on the work surface, releasing a long breath she'd not realised she'd been holding, her chest aching slightly as the pressure was released, swallowing at the dryness in her mouth and throat, her tongue swiping over her lips to try and moisten the dry skin, moving to the cupboard to grab a glass and then fill it with water from the tap and then drinking it, feeling the cool liquid dispelling the dryness.  
"Appointments with a psychologist, me" she scoffed, an image of the younger woman flashing across her mind, shaking her head as it did, as if that motion would clear it somehow, carrying her glass of water across the kitchen and then to the sliding doors, sliding one open and stepping out into the gentle breeze of the early evening, padding out to the garden furniture and taking a seat in one of the chair, her glass resting on the table.  
Leaning back against the generous cushion, her arms on either side of the chair arms, brown eyes surveyed the space in front of her, the different flowers and bushes in her garden, a vast array of colour that burst into view as soon as the back door was opened, something at the opposite end of the spectrum to what the inside of her house looked like, with her neutral colour scheme and furniture, something people wouldn't expect from the older woman.  
"How did things come to this, appointments I'm being made to go to with a psychologist, a younger woman psychologist, losing a bit of control in one of these appointments and now here I am sat in my garden, no longer a prisoner but also no longer governor, ex governor.." trailing off as she mumbled to herself unable to verbalise anymore of her thoughts, not wanting to think about them, having done that quite a bit in the past few months, instead she took a couple more sips of her water.  
It was funny how things 360 in life, you end up in a situation and circumstance you never imagined before, never imagined in your wildest dreams or maybe nightmares, just like the whirlwind of events that had linked together to form Joan's current life and worst possible circumstances.

 

A life.  
Is that what this is?  
This shambles.  
This mixed up nonsense.  
This shit.  
Stripping me of my governorship  
Trying to keep me locked up.  
Treat me like the rats in that prison.  
Locked me up like an animal.  
In a place I didn't belong.  
A place I couldn't stand.  
First the institute.  
The smells in there.  
The noises.  
The sounds.  
The touches.

 

Her eyes clamping tight shut at the flashing memories of the psychiatrists hands on her, the smell floating up her nostrils, making them flare, her hands balling into fists and simultaneously banging down on the chair arms, resting there, a flash of anger mixed with hurt escaping in the action.  
"No!" she mumbled out into the garden and afternoon sunshine, her eyes opening as she did so, the action of realising she was still sat in her own chair, in her own garden bringing back to herself and calming her down, taking another sip of water and replacing the glass.

 

Come on Joan get a grip.  
Stop this.  
This, this nonsense.  
You need to gain some sort of control back.  
Control of yourself now you're not in there anymore.  
You're not allowed to be like this.  
It's not acceptable.  
Bury it down.  
Swallow it down.  
Push it down.  
Anywhere down.  
Anywhere to keep a lid tightly on it.  
To the back of your mind.  
Somewhere else.  
Anywhere else.  
Not bubbling up like it is at the minute.  
Anything but this.  
This shaky ground.


	7. Chapter 7

It was mad to think that somehow she could leave work at work and not bring it home, especially when one of your close friends was also a psychologist and knew that you were the person who'd taken on the formidable Joan Ferguson, and thought you were for want of a better word...crazy.  
"Well thank you for that" Vera chuckled softly as she sat on one of the chairs in her living room, sipping wine from a glass, pinot of course.  
"Oh you know what I mean" replied the other woman sat on Vera's sofa, this woman being the same age as Vera, slightly bigger build, bigger as in more muscular and with more weight on her frame, a few inches taller and with bobbed hair, and dark framed glasses on her face, she was dressed in a loose fitting round neck t shirt and dark blue jeans, socked feet, her canvas shoes next to the sofa.  
Georgia had come to know Vera since Vera had started at the hospital about five and a half years ago, they'd met and spoken more when they'd both attended the works Christmas party, the seventh one for Georgia, the first one for Vera, she'd been unsure about attending it, nervous that she didn't really know anyone since she'd only been at the hospital about three months or so when the party had been announced, but she'd decided to swallow her nerves and go, she'd been placed next to Georgia at one of the tables and the two women had hit it off almost immediately, sharing similar work and university stories and finding they worked in similar fields now at the hospital, Vera as a psychologist and Georgia as a psychiatrist, and they'd been close friends ever since, going out for food and drinks together, shopping and then nights like this when they'd go around to each other's houses and drink wine and just enjoy each other's company.  
"I do, I do, I also know that you were one of the people asked to take her on and said no weren't you hm?" smiling over the top of her glass at Georgia, seeing the other woman smile back over her own glass.  
"Yes I did say no, but it's just because well, I don't think I could've helped her, I feel that well, it's not something that's in my realm of expertise, I've heard a little bit of her case etc on the TV and gossip and with my work load as well it wasn't an option" sipping her wine. "Then I heard you'd taken her on and you know that I only say this because I care about you, are you sure about helping her, I mean really sure, she's quite a character to take in, especially after you saying you'd read more than me into her case and the gossip surrounding her time as governor at Wentworth and yes whilst this might be hearsay, the rest of her as person is a lot to take on, to attempt to try and help, hence why others straight out said no as soon as her name was mentioned to them".

 

I knew this was coming.  
I always have and I understand why.  
She's not the first person I've heard it from.  
And probably won't be the last either.  
But I think she can be helped.  
And I can be that person that can help.  
Someone she clearly hasn't had to help before.  
Someone she's needed.  
Help she's needed.

 

"I know you care and I appreciate it, just like I'd be no doubt saying this exact same thing if the situation was reversed. But yes I'm sure about helping her, and taking on her case, and I promise if it all gets too much or I feel that I actually can't help her then I'll say so and pass her and her case onto someone else who I feel that will be the person to help her, but I don't feel this, I don't feel it at all, I feel deep down that she can be helped, that she's just been passed from pillar to post by people who've simply dismissed her by what they'd heard or seen on the news, she's not been given a chance to be helped, to get better, one that I want to give her, because I do feel that I can make a difference to her and her life" Vera explained, pouring herself another glass of wine from the bottle on the table.

 

It was true.  
That's what she thought.  
She thought she could see a chink of something in the older woman.  
Something buried deep inside.  
Deep inside the very plummeting depths of her.  
The hidden depths of Joan Ferguson.  
Places that had literally been locked away.  
Chained up.  
Been out of bounds for so long.  
How long was anyone's guess.  
Hidden for any number of reasons.  
Reasons no one except the woman herself knew.  
Maybe she herself had forgotten said reasons.  
Reasons Vera had not even scratched the surface of.  
Even Vera knew this.

 

"Her story has certainly had an effect on you hasn't it" Georgia mumbled, pouring herself another glass of wine and then settling back into the chair.  
"No, I just want to help her" narrowing her eyes at the other woman, this action causing Georgia to give a chuckle at Vera's response.  
"Oh come on Vee you can tell me, I can tell when things effect you, when that heart on your sleeve is out that bit more and I think that this is one of those times" giving Vera a little smile.  
"I don't believe that anyone has ever offered to help her and if they have they've done a pretty shit job of it if you asked me, I've read and heard enough nonsense on the TV and radio about her, but it makes me think how many of these reporters and journalists actually know her, how many have even met the woman to start printing this crazy stuff that they do, bloody ninety nine percent I bet have never met her to say all this crap".

 

Yep.  
This woman's plight and story had certainly had an effect on Vera.  
Of course the woman was passionate and good at what she did.  
That had and would never be in question.  
Even Georgia knew this.  
Knew it better than most along with Vera's other friends and colleagues.  
The woman was held in high esteem by many people.  
Not just for the kind of person she was, but because when you teamed this with her talent and skill for the job it was such a winning formula, a perfect combination, the talent and personality combined to just work for patients, something inside them just connected with this woman.  
Patients that in the past had had in their words 'no success' or 'felt like they'd never get better' suddenly started feeling these things with Vera.  
Things she'd managed to bring out in them.  
Things she'd managed to help them with.  
And ask any one of her fellow colleagues what it was and even they couldn't tell you.  
Couldn't describe what it was.  
What she actually did.  
She just did it.  
Did whatever it was she did.  
Was just herself.  
Used her gift and talents in that way and it worked.  
Worked and connected with them.  
Connected with something inside.  
Inside of them.  
Awoken them.  
Helped them.  
Pushed through the obstacles.  
Obstacles in their mind.  
Deep in their psyche.  
She helped healed them.  
Helped heal their hidden pain.  
And here she was trying again.  
Not willing to just give up on someone.  
Someone who literally everyone one else had.  
Had deemed a lost cause.  
Beyond help.  
Too far gone.  
Too messed up to be help.  
Too dangerous.  
Too lethal.  
But not Vera.  
She'd done the opposite.  
She'd walked towards said woman.  
Embraced the 'challenge'.  
Welcomed Joan to patient list.  
Taken her under her wing as it were.

 

"Well, you know what I think of it all, but I also know that you are a professional and a brilliant one at that to take on this woman and try and help her, as you've done with other people in the past that other colleagues thought were too hard work, or lazy, and you helped them, just please Vee, if it gets too much, she gets too much or you feel that you really can't help her, please promise me that you'll tell someone and get her transferred or handed over to someone else to try and help?" her eyes showing nothing but kindness towards her friend.  
Vera nodded at the request and gave Georgia a reassuring smile.  
"I will, if it gets too much and I feel I've tried all I can and it's not working I'll admit that I tried my best and pass her case and file onto someone else, I promise" her eyes with her friends, showing the other woman that she meant what she said, seeing Georgia smile back at her.  
"Ok, I'll take that" Georgia said, leaning over and lightly clinking her glass with Vera's, both women taking a sip and then leaning back, their conversation turning away from the subject, Georgia feeling that she'd gotten her concerns and point enough to her friend, not wanting to dwell on this one subject whilst they weren't actually at work, wanting to get onto more light hearted subjects, especially now the wine had really started flowing and they both had the weekend off this weekend, a nice and welcome treat given both of their recent heavy workloads and long days, yes tonight they were going to enjoy each other's company, with good wine, nice food and relax into the weekend, no more work talk, that was out of bounds now.


	8. Chapter 8

Progress.  
Big or small.  
Some people have different opinions on what progress is.  
What it means.  
On what means that we've made progress.  
On what means that we haven't.  
Vera was in the business of it.  
Of progress.  
Her job allowing her this.  
This angle.  
An angle of seeing progress.  
Whether it be in big steps or small ones.  
The way someone came to her at the very beginning.  
The 'state' they were in.  
How raw.  
How 'injured' be that mentally or physically.  
How many life battle scars they had.  
Open wounds that they came to see her with.  
Wounds that they couldn't heal on their own.  
That they needed help with.  
Vera's help with.  
Help she had only just started offering to a certain ex governor.  
An ex governor who wore battle armour.  
Thick battle armour.  
Battle armour Vera wasn't sure had ever been taken off.  
It seemed as though it was a constant feature of Joan.  
Something the older woman had pulled on to protect her.  
Pulled from a young age.  
Protect her from what was open to people's own outside interpretation.  
Slowly getting said woman to peel back, or start to peel back the armour was Vera's task.  
And what a task it was.  
One everyone else had washed their hands of.  
Said there was no point in even trying with.  
That she wasn't worth trying with.  
That she was a lost cause.  
A dangerous one at that.  
It seems like I like proving people wrong.  
Helping supposed 'lost causes'.  
I like a challenge.

 

This session had certainly been another challenge, she'd made another comment, a small but quiet one, that complimented Joan on what she was wearing, the remark making Joan look up from her lap and directly at Vera, silent.  
It was as if the very fact it was a compliment made Joan fumble, her brain not know how to process it, not know how to act, how to reply, it being a totally alien concept for her. An alien concept that someone should make such a remark to her, a remark that they actually meant, that was genuine and Vera's was.  
She did mean it.  
She did like Joan's outfit.  
Joan dressed well she thought and her style of clothes and how she put them together suited her, flattered her tall and strong build.  
The woman was tall, very tall, her build was strong and steady, not skinny, but by no means fat either, she was well, just right for her build and looking well for her age, an age that had surprised Vera when she'd read her file, she'd thought her younger when she'd first seen her on TV, no way would she have guessed her actual age, she had aged very well, obviously looked after herself and maybe had some good genes too.

 

So instead she looked at Vera.  
Looked straight at.  
Her lip twitching as she did.  
A slightly apprehensive twitch.  
Her eyes narrowing a little and then relaxing as she took in what had been said to her.  
Again.  
The second time Vera had made a comment.  
A comment on her outfit.  
A compliment on her outfit.  
Another unexpected one.  
Interesting.

 

With the conversation turning then to a brief overview of Joan's career in corrections, this seemed a topic that the older woman didn't mind talking about within reason. Vera started by asking her about how she'd gotten into this particular field and her rise in the ranks as it were, being head hunted and picked out to join and be the governor of Wentworth and how she'd been successful at what she'd done, that you didn't get to the status Joan had without having talent and being very good at your job, these things Vera had heard also, that despite what rumours and other nonsense shit talk that had flown around the various media and press outlets, there was no denying how good the woman in question was at her job, also how much hard work and grafting she'd put in to achieve her positions over the years that she had, the hundreds upon thousands of hours she'd given to the job to make a success of herself and the facilities that she worked in, something Vera admired about the older woman, she bloody wasn't shy of hard work and she obviously had a talent for what she did, that was undeniable.  
The session had ended and the small talk about the next appointment had happened, Vera giving Joan a small, plain appointment card with the time and date on, which the older woman took from her and slid into her jean pocket, standing next to the younger woman, Vera still not reaching anywhere near Joan's height even in her heels, there was still quite a few inches of height between them.  
Saying goodbye to the older woman and getting a nod from Joan, Vera turned back to finish tidying her files and folders into a pile before collecting her handbag and coat and making her way out of the hospital and to her car, just shutting the door of the 4x4 car when it started to rain, glancing up through the windscreen to see how black the sky had actually gone, the rain pouring down.  
With her car lights on she pulled out of the car park and started driving along the road, her brow furrowing when she saw a familiar tall figure striding down the pavement, pulling her trench coat collar up to try and shield herself that bit more from the heavy rain, it was definitely Joan, Joan with no umbrella and no sign of transport home from the hospital.  
Taking another glance as she passed, Vera indicated to pull into the first side street on the left hand side, turning her car around then crawling to a stop at the top of the street, stopping on the left so that she could see Joan coming towards her, sitting about on level with the tall woman seen as she drove a 4x4, a rather nice and top of the range one at that, well she worked hard for her money and thought she deserved a nice car, so when she'd seen this one, she'd instantly liked it and decided to treat herself.

 

"Joan?" Vera called out through the now open drivers window after seeing no one else was around, so the older woman would know she was the one being called.  
Blinking through the rain, Joan locked eyes with Vera after hearing her name and seeing the car the other woman was in.  
"Can I give you a lift home?" seeing the older woman immediately shake her head and stay on the opposite side of the road, the rain starting to come down that bit more now.   
"Please let me give you a ride home, this rain is awful and seems to be getting heavier, you'll make yourself poorly walking home in this, you're already starting to soak through now, please?" she pleaded again, concerned for the other woman's wellbeing at being out in such awful rain without any kind of shelter to walk home with, not able to just drive on and not try and help her.  
Joan said nothing as she looked at Vera and then at her car, back to the woman again, her mind whirring as she thought about the current situation, seemingly not bothered by the fact the rain was coming down heavy against her, although her body shivering betrayed this front that she was putting on, giving away the fact that she was feeling the effects of such bad weather.  
"There's just me in here, all I want is for you to get home safely and not get even more drenched out here in this rain walking home" Vera said, her eyes still with Joan, her tone caring and obviously concerned for the older woman's welfare.  
"You'll just drop me off home?" Joan asked, wanting to test Vera's intentions again, the mistrust she automatically had bubbling to the surface even at such a simple offer.  
"Yeah I will, I'll drop you off at your home and away I'll go" giving Joan a soft smile, sensing the apprehension and anxiety coming off the older woman, guessing this kind of thing Joan wasn't used to in the slightest, not having much faith in other people, her trust having been broken in some way, by someone or many things.  
Glancing around her and finding the area free of people, she took another look to Vera and her car, silently crossing the road and then moving around to the front passenger side of the car and getting in, her hands going into her lap, fiddling with her fingers nervously, but also because of the coldness she must be feeling in them, saying nothing Vera turned a couple of dials on the centre console of the car, positioning one of the heaters above the built in screen which she could control most of the cars added extra features on, as well as control the radio and sat nav, towards the older woman so she'd feel the benefit, as well pressing another button nearby, this turning on the heated seat to also warm Joan up a little more on their journey, when all this was done she asked Joan for her address and typed it into the sat nav, it immediately coming up on the screen, before pulling away from the pavement and turning out of the side street, the radio on low.

 

After driving for about half an hour Vera pulled up the car next to the pavement outside Joan's house and stopped the car.  
"Here we are" Vera murmured softly, glancing to the woman in the seat next to her, Joan having already taken off her seatbelt, giving a nod at Vera's statement.  
"T..Thank you" the older woman mumbled quietly, her eyes quickly darting to and then away from the younger woman.  
"You're welcome Joan" watching as Joan nodded silently and then opened the door and started getting out, turning as her feet landed on the road to see the wet seat she'd just gotten out of.   
"Erm..".  
"It's ok it'll dry don't worry, it's no big problem" giving Joan another kind smile, seeing Joan's expression soften at the reassurance, retreating from the car and closing the door, making her way around to the pavement and then to her front door, turning back to look at Vera after she'd put the key in the lock, the younger woman still with that kind smile on her face, feeling her own mouth curve into a small smile, seeing Vera nod lightly at the response, to which Joan then turned back around and disappeared inside her house, only then did Vera indicate and pull away from the pavement knowing Joan was safely inside her house.


	9. Chapter 9

"And how about you listen to me, I said no!" Joan spat back, the topics Vera had attempted to even hint at not being met by such a good response by the older woman, the opposite in fact, Vera sensing the barriers not moving very far today and not much progress being made unless she thought on her feet and quick, the older woman rising from the chair, eyes glaring at the younger woman.  
"Ok Joan, ok we won't talk about those things, it's ok, please sit down?" Vera asked softly, keeping her own eyes with Joan's, her expression soft, staying sat in her chair so she didn't encroach into Joan's personal space, especially when she'd reacted like she had.  
Joan narrowed her eyes, looking over the woman in front of her, nostrils flaring, fully expecting Vera to get up and shout back at her, get in her face, something she hadn't actually done.  
Still Joan stood, brown eyes shining as they looked at Vera, to the door of the office and then back to Vera.

 

Come on Vera think.  
She obviously has untapped into pain.  
Barriers that have been sky high most of her life.  
Barriers to prevent other people and pain getting in.  
Trust issues.  
Hurt issues.  
Pain issues.  
Pain from other people.  
Being alone.  
Not able to trust or rely on others.

 

"It must be quite stressful being in such high demand by the correctional services, especially when you've to run a place such as Wentworth, it takes a special type of woman to climb the ladder and ranks like you have" Vera started, her tone soft and warm, hoping this would filter through to Joan, have the effect that she wanted it to.  
Joan's brow furrowed lightly and then relaxed again, doing the same thing for a second time.  
"What would you know about it?!" came the irritated reply, still not sitting down.  
"I don't know very much about the field itself, but you do, maybe you could tell me about it, I'm interested and could learn something new too?" not averting her eyes from Joan's so the older woman could tell she was genuine in her interest at the topic.

 

She's asking me about corrections.  
About learning.  
Learning from me.  
Not pushing.  
Pushing me to talk about things.  
Things I don't want to.  
Why?  
Usually others would.  
They'd pressure me.  
Push me.

 

"Sitting down might be more comfortable" Vera offered, giving a kind smile to Joan, the older woman backing up and taking her seat again, Vera placing a fresh bottle of water on the table in front of Joan in case she wanted or needed it, actually surprising herself that she took the suggestion of sitting back down again.  
"Feel free to start whenever you're ready, maybe from the beginning, the path into the job itself, the basics might be good for me to understand as a starting point?" the older woman leaning forward, picking up the bottle of water, unscrewing the cap, taking a sip, replacing the cap and then the bottle on the table, eyes back to Vera.  
Leaning back into the chair she considered the woman across from her, her more youthful appearance, her face, her patient expression and then a kind, little smile, something Joan took notice of, Vera always seemed to smile at her, all the time, not scowl, or frown or sigh or huff, but smile.

 

How can someone smile at me so much?  
Why would they want to?  
How can they?  
Especially someone like her.  
Smiling at someone like me.  
She's always smiled at me.  
Every time I've seen her.  
No matter what mood I've been in it's there.  
That smile.  
It's strange.  
Odd.  
An alien concept for me.  
Not many people have smile at me in my life.  
Not many at all.  
Yet this woman does.  
Every time.

 

Taking a breath she paused and then another breath, her lips parting to speak but no words came out, Vera sat still and quiet letting Joan be given the chance and time to gather her thoughts and speak, not wanting her to feel any more nervous than Vera sensed she did at the moment.  
Another silent minute and then it started, her lips parted again and words came out, she started speaking, softly and steadily, talking about the training she'd undertaken when she began her career right at the very beginning in corrections, giving Vera all the necessary details of the method and practice that they went through, her memory recalling even the smallest details and relaying them perfectly.  
Vera sat back in her chair and listened, totally engaged to the other woman, finding the way she spoke engaging and interesting, noting the different ways she spoke and the expressions that followed with this.

 

She really can talk.  
And talk well.  
The way she flows when she speaks is engaging.  
And her tone can be rather soft.  
Steady.  
A comfortable tone.  
A concentrating, but not angry expression.  
I see her eyes light up when she speak about her career.  
Her path to the top.  
Her brown eyes come alive.  
They don't look sad.  
Or as sad.  
She enjoys talking about certain things.  
Things and topics that don't seem to cause pain.  
Cause her inner pain or turmoil, or trigger her.  
An inner pain she's carried for so many years.  
Carried heavily on her shoulders.  
All on her own.  
Such a lonely place to be.  
She's seemingly known no different a place.

 

Joan continued to speak, hands moving from her lap to the arms of the chair and then back again, gently playing with her fingers, Vera still totally engaged and listening to the older woman, suddenly noticing her gripping her fingers that bit tighter and her expression shift, a uncomfortable and pained look etching her face after the story Joan had been telling had moved onto her time at Blackmoore as Deputy Governor.  
"Joan are you ok?" seeing the brown eyes disappear as she closed them, flaring her nostrils and then her brow frowning, fingers balling into fists on either hand, the woman not answering. "Joan?".

 

Jianna.  
Jianna hanging.  
Baby taken away.  
Blackmoore inmates.  
The noises.  
The voices.  
The pain of cradling the body.  
Her body.  
Her lifeless body.  
Killed.  
Hanged.  
Dead.  
The pained cries out into the darkness of the space.  
The cold space at the bottom of the stairs.  
The place I'd stood and looked up to see it.  
The sight that had become engrained on my psyche.  
A shadow of her hanging.  
Hanging there.  
Lifeless.  
A vision that had added to many other pains.  
Internal pain.  
Stacking up.  
Building up.  
Guilt sitting atop of my shoulders.  
Like a lead weight put there as my punishment.  
Punishment for being me.  
Being such a horrible person.  
A despicable woman.  
Someone too sensitive and useless as a child.  
Someone not good enough.  
Someone not worthy of love.  
Not deserving of such a thing.  
This being drilled into me by the discipline he dished out.  
The smacks.  
The hits.  
The slaps.  
The emotional abuse.  
Constant.  
Never ending.  
Ringing in my ears.  
In my head.  
Never letting up.  
No end or comfort in sight.  
Not deserving of this either.  
Things like me didn't deserve such nice gestures.  
Such nice things.  
Suddenly a jolt, a jump, a touch.

 

A touch that sprung Joan's eyes open, her chest heaving, glancing down and to the side at what she'd felt against her, the touch, this touch being a hand, a small hand on her shoulder, Vera's hand, the younger woman now stood next to her.  
Vera had seen the panic and distress the older woman had descended into and despite trying to get through the haze and upset with her words she'd not been able to, so after a few minutes she'd made the decision to see if a little touch would help, conscious of not wanting to scare Joan, but knowing this was a situation where she needed to intervene and step in to help the older woman, so she had, intervened in the way of putting a gentle hand on Joan's shoulder and reassuring her that she was ok and that she was safe, the touch seeming to help bring Joan back to herself, even if the ex governor was breathing heavily when she did.  
"It's ok, you're ok" Vera whispered gently to her, her hand still resting lightly on the strong shoulder of the older woman, seeing a hard swallow and a sheen of sweat on her brow, reaching forward and grabbing the water bottle she'd drank from before, shakily unscrewing the cap off and taking a few big gulps from the bottle, closing her eyes and then opening them again, Vera well aware of a couple of tear tracks against the pale skin of Joan's cheeks but not mentioning these given the current circumstances, instead she slowly removed her hand and made her way back to her seat, giving space back to the older woman.  
After a few minutes Vera cut into the silence between the two of them, speaking in a soft tone.  
"I know that that must have been a painful experience whatever you just got near in your mind and memories, but you handled it really well, it was very brave of you, you did well, well done, I'm proud of you, you should be proud of yourself too Joan" she smiled kindly, her tone and eyes conveying the sincerity of her words, seeing Joan glance away and down almost shyly at the sentiment, something she'd never heard someone else say to her before in her life, not even her own father.

 

Well Joan that's definitely what I'd class as progress.  
We saw a little chink into the person behind the armour.  
A very slight peek at you.  
The real you.  
The vulnerable and emotion you.  
The you that I suspect has been in all sorts of pain for years.  
Pain no one has helped you try to heal.  
Pain you deserve heal.  
Pain you don't deserve.  
Not one bit.


	10. Chapter 10

With the TV on low in the background in her living room, Vera returned from the kitchen later on that night after putting her empty plate into the dishwasher and carrying a mug of tea back with her, placing said mug on the coffee table and then sitting back on her sofa, legs tucked underneath her, picking up the file that she'd put down on the sofa whilst she'd been eating, allowing herself some time off reading and working to at least eat her food, but now it'd been eaten she was resuming reading, reading a familiar file of a familiar person.  
Joan.  
Joan Ferguson.  
Yeah she knew she should leave work at work but after the session they'd just had she felt like she wanted to read, to learn more about the woman, see if she could identify any more potential reasons for why she was this way, see what else had gone on behind the doors of Wentworth and other places that might add to Joan being the woman she was, the closed off and insular woman, the vulnerable one behind the armour.  
Scanning the file she took in the information she was reading, pausing to take a couple of sips from her mug, then replaced it and resumed reading, pausing a little while later as her mind drifted to their session that afternoon, the way that Joan had reacted when they were talking about Blackmoore, Vera having previously heard or read she couldn't remember considering all the research she been going through to get a fuller picture of the older woman, a report or something about a prisoner who'd been hanged there when Joan had been deputy governor, something circulating at the time of a possible close relationship between the young woman and Joan, also including Jianna's baby son.

 

Could this be a little part of the issues Joan had?  
Guilt?  
Guilt on her own shoulders?  
Thinking that it was her fault because she'd gotten close to this girl?  
Guilt at her death?  
Thinking she'd inadvertently played a part?  
But not just guilt.  
But loss.  
Loss at someone she'd gotten close to and they been taken away?  
Because reading through her brief family history she'd no other siblings.  
No mother.  
No mother for most of her life.  
A mother who died when she was a little girl.  
A father who seems to be somewhat of a cold and rather strict disciplinarian, but to the point of it being emotionally abusive, especially with his military background, something I get the feeling he imposed roughly on his little girl, this little girl being the sensitive toddler psyche of Joan.

 

Just this thought alone was enough to make Vera put the file down to take a moment to gather herself, closing the front cover and picking up her mug cradling it in her hands the warmth flowing through to her chilly palms, small fingers curling around the body of the china but not quite easily enveloping the entire thing, given how small her hands were you'd think they'd be warm a lot more than they were cold but no they got cold a lot, hoping this didn't bother the older woman earlier on today when she'd put a hand on her shoulder, hopefully this hadn't been felt through Joan's cardigan she'd been wearing, well nothing had been said so maybe it hadn't.

 

Vera why are you bothered if Joan felt how cold your hands were?  
Does it matter?  
Like really matter?  
Yes.  
Yes it mattered.  
It mattered to her.  
So in that way it mattered to Joan to, well from Vera's point of view anyway.  
She didn't want her hands to feel that way.  
To herself or Joan.  
She wanted Joan to be comfortable, or at least a little more comfortable the more she attended her therapy.  
Seen as the woman herself hadn't chosen to attend the sessions, the least Vera felt she could do was try and offer the woman some comfort whilst she was in her office, even if this was with simple little things.

 

It seemed the older woman hadn't had or been used to comforting things, big or small, not even kind words or gestures, the look of total bewilderment and surprise when Vera had complimented her outfit had taken the younger woman aback, shocked at how what she and other people considered basic human needs that we get from family and friends around us, things that this woman wasn't very aware of and certainly it appeared hadn't gotten, like she felt puzzled her why Vera said such things to her, such nice things, almost like she shouldn't be saying them, that Joan felt she should be saying the opposite things, mean things, nasty things, things she's been told she is or that are true about her and now here was this woman she'd been put with by order of the court, someone she was just beginning to know was saying nice things to her, trying to help her, being patient with her, showing small acts of kindness, wanting to make sure she was ok.  
This thought brought a lump to Vera's throat, a sad lump, feeling a sadness wash over her at just what this woman had actually endured and gone through up to now in her life and how she's been in her sessions, having to clear her throat to stifle the feeling of tears beginning to well up in her eyes.

 

I know the world is full of horrible people I'm not that naive.  
And these people do horrible things to those around them.  
But this.  
Her.  
She was a child.  
A helpless little child.  
A little girl.  
An innocent.  
A little person who couldn't have and most likely didn't do a damn thing to warrant it.  
But she got it.  
She got no doubt a manner of things said and done to her.  
A constant stream of abuse be that physical and mental, emotional too thrown into the mix.  
All this directed at a helpless little girl who had lost her mum.  
Lost one of the focal people in her life.  
One of if not her main nurturer, the main 'nice' person in her life.  
Her protector.  
Her one person.  
Her care giver.  
Her mum.  
And was left with someone who was the opposite of this.  
Turned all this on its head.  
Sent it spiralling to the other extreme.  
Used the fact she was a vulnerable little girl to take his anger or whatever it was out on her.  
Damaged her because he was weak.  
Was a dictator.  
Was a control freak.  
An abuser in more ways than one.  
And saw this little girl as an easy target.  
A target right under his nose.

 

Vera closed her eyes as a tear escaped and trickled down one of her cheeks, quickly wiping it away and taking a deep breath, willing herself not to get upset. Not that she could help feeling like this given what material she was looking over and thinking about, was it any surprise this woman was the way she was given the evidence or bits of evidence for things she'd endured and had to go through, how she'd been treated from a young age, it would mess anybody up and to have not been given or offered any kind of help, for no one to have spotted the danger she was in and intervened, maybe then she wouldn't have suffered as long as she had, wouldn't be as damaged and vulnerable as she was now.  
Because she was vulnerable, she was vulnerable and alone and needing someone, even if the woman herself wouldn't say or hint at such a thing, Vera sensed she was, probably one of the reasons she'd agreed to be the one to help, to serve a sort of weird 'justice' to help this woman, to see what she could do within her power to help her, to support her, support she should've had years and years ago. Also to help the woman herself feel better, to lessen some of the overwhelming emotional baggage she must have carried for years by herself, to have someone there for her, to help her, to let her know someone cares about her, that she's not on her own, that they want to help and support her, Vera wanting to extend this offer to Joan, because she thinks that she deserves this after all the horrendous things she's been through.

 

Let's face it we all need someone.  
No matter who we are.  
What job we do.  
Where we are.  
We all need at least one someone.  
Even her.  
Even Joan Ferguson.  
Even she needs someone.


	11. Chapter 11

With a solitary tear somehow escaping from her left eye, making itself known down the older woman's left cheek, a hand came out and swiped it away, her head dipping at the same time, eyes on the floor, shielding or at least trying to shield it from the younger woman sat in the chair opposite from her in the chair.   
Vera.  
The one she refused to let see the droplet of water that had somehow crept out of her eye, defying her, failing her, because that wasn't supposed to happen, Joan Ferguson didn't do such weak things, especially when talking with a woman who was a psychologist, a younger woman, a woman she'd been forced to come and see, attend appointments with not of her own free will.

 

This was all her fault.  
Vera's.  
She'd started opened up the topic of childhood.  
Wanted to know a bit more.  
Asked if I'd tell her something.  
Anything about it.  
About how it was.  
So I had.  
I'd started saying little bits about it.  
Bits I didn't mind sharing because I'd chosen what to share.  
But then it started.  
The memories.  
They'd started appearing as I spoke.  
Slotting in between the words.  
Flashing back.  
Back into the forefront of my mind.  
Like lightning bolts.  
Bolts of the past.  
Jolts of pain I didn't want.  
That I'd kept away for so long.  
And now they were back.  
Back at the beginning.  
The beginning of my thoughts.  
At the forefront of my mind.  
And it was her fault.  
Vera's fault.  
She'd caused this.  
Caused this by asking about them.  
She's to blame.

 

"It's your fault, you caused this" Joan growled, slowly lifting her head again to look across at the younger woman. "You caused me to feel this way, you" seeing Vera with a soft expression on her face at the words, still not moving in her seat.  
"There's nothing to worry or feel ashamed about Joan, you're doing well, it's natural to feel upset at painful memories" seeing the older woman close her eyes and shake her head, clenching her fists on her lap, her head shaking that bit more as she balled her hands, then suddenly she got up from her chair and quickly made her way over to where Vera sat, the sudden action not giving Vera a chance to think of anything apart from having the tall figure of Joan looming over her, nostrils flared, brown eyes glaring at the younger woman, her breathing that bit quicker than it'd been for the other part of their session, it being obvious to Vera that she was angry, it was coming off her in waves, angry because of her own reaction to the talk of her childhood and Vera was now in the firing line of such anger.  
"It's your fault" she growled again, that bit more aggressively than before, add in the fact that now she was actually in Vera's face, her tall figure much bigger than the smaller woman, her face coming closer to a seated Vera, eyes locked together, brown orbs not moving from blue, the psychologist able to feel the warm breath Joan was breathing out of her nostrils, due to how close they physically were.

 

She's angry.  
Angry at herself.  
At her reaction.  
That somehow her emotion escaping was bad.  
Wasn't allowed.  
That she's just committed the ultimate sin.  
A sin against her own moral code.  
Only it's not strictly her code.  
It was no doubt her fathers.  
A deep seated code that had been ingrained into her.  
Beaten and driven into her by a man that should've known better.  
Should've treated her better.  
Treated her like a little girl.  
Not a subject to take his own issues out on.  
She was a little girl that needed caring for.  
But got the opposite.  
She got taken advantage of.  
She got hurt.  
Emotionally hurt.  
Emotionally scared.  
Emotionally abused.  
Hence the woman she currently is.  
The woman I've now got in my face.  
The frightened and angry woman.

 

"It's not my fault, but it's also not yours either Joan" Vera replied softly but firmly, aware of her own heart having speeded up, the woman in front of her was bigger and stronger physically than her that was obvious, but Vera felt like she had the upper hand at knowing what the older woman was like inside, insider her mind, or at least she felt she knew a bit more than other people Joan had ever had in her life, no one it seemed had looked past the mask she wore, the armour, seeing the real her.  
"It is!" Joan barked, her chest heaving that bit more, bigger hands curling around the arms of the chair that Vera sat in, her face not moving from Vera's, brown eyes still glaring.  
Vera shook her head at her in response.  
"I see you Joan and I hear you, and I know that this right now, what's happening, this isn't you, not really, not the 'real' you, this is anger, this is upset and it's how it's manifesting itself. You're not what others have said you are, those horrible and mean things that they've said about you and how they've described you, that's not you, not really, not at all. The woman I see in front of me is a nice person, she's just been treated very badly in the past by people who should've been caring and looking after her, those people are to blame, they did you wrong, treated you despicably, they hurt you in many ways and unfortunately you've been the person who is left with the pain, the hurt, the anguish, the anger, the wounds and all these things you're allowed to feel, you're justified in feeling them because you weren't treated and looked after properly, not like you should've been, so these reactions are all natural, but this right now, this reaction is to protect yourself, like you've had to for years and years so that you wouldn't have to go through anymore hurt, pain and trauma like you have in the past" keeping her voice soft, her eyes not moving from Joan's, her body language the same as it had been since the session started, as she continued. "You won't hurt me even though you're like this in front of me right now, even though you're this close, I know you won't because it's not you, you're not that kind of woman, you do care, you're a caring person, and this is just a result of your anger, your pain, but I know that you won't hurt me, even now with our faces this close and how angry you are, you won't hurt me, I know you won't because it's not you, you don't do that kind of thing, you're not that kind of person. I see you Joan and I hear you" giving a little nod to the older woman to emphasise the fact she did see her and she did hear her, her eyes wandering over the older woman as Joan took in what she'd just heard, hands still gripped around the arms of the chair.

 

Silence.  
Silence for a good few minutes.  
That much silence that it was almost as if you could hear the cogs turning in that clever brain of the older woman's.  
Her brain taking in all she'd just heard and processing it.  
Thinking about it.  
Weighing up if the other woman was being honest.  
Checking all the signs.  
All this whilst she looked at Vera.  
Her brown eyes not moving.  
Staying on Vera like they had the entire time.  
Vera also holding her position.  
Not that she could exactly move, but she kept the same stance, the same position.  
Not needing to move.  
Trusting her own instinct of the older woman.  
Just having to wait to see if her hunch had worked.  
Then movement.

 

First it was the head of Joan that started to move back from Vera's, hands loosening their grip on the arms of the younger woman's chair, all the while Vera could see that Joan's breathing had started to slow down a little bit, her nostrils weren't as flared, her body wasn't as rigid, then her body followed her head moving back from Vera, retreating slowly from its position of looming over Vera and then standing up straight, eyes looking Vera up and down, saying nothing as she gave a swallow and then turned on her heels right, moving back around the coffee table, taking up her position back on her chair and opening the bottled water that Vera had placed there like she did every session along with the tissues, taking a couple of big sips, her eyes anywhere but on Vera as she did so, replacing the cap and then fully sitting back, closing her eyes and taking a couple of deep breaths, Vera noticing a swallow accompanying said deep breaths, taking the time to pick up her own water and take a couple of sips to moisten her mouth and throat, her eyes taking the time to observe the older woman as she calmed down.

 

I see you Joan.  
I see you and hear you.  
I do.


	12. Chapter 12

Looking up from her work as she sat at her desk, Vera glanced towards the door as there was a knock at it.  
"Come in?" turning full on her large office chair to see who was at the door, smiling as one of the reception women came through the door and smiled back at her.   
"Sorry to disturb you, I've just had a message from one of your patients, Joan Ferguson she said that she's not coming to her appointment today".   
"Did she give a reason why?" seeing the woman shake her head. "Nothing no, just said she wasn't coming in and put the phone down and that was it, I thought that I let you know so you were aware of it and didn't wonder what was happening when she didn't turn up".   
"Thank you for letting me know, I'll be leaving in a few minutes now, seen as Ms Ferguson's appointment was my last one of the day and she's not coming now, leave it with me, I'll sort it out".   
"Ok, no problem, see you on Monday Vera, have a nice weekend".   
"You too Barbara" the older woman smiling at her and then left the room, shutting the door behind her as she did so.   
After gathering her papers together and storing them away in one of her filing cabinets, Vera made sure her office was tidy, before getting her handbag, and making her way out of the office, down the corridor and out of the private hospital, to the staff car park and getting in her car, out of the grounds and away from the building down the road. Driving the route that she had a few weeks ago, she pulled up just like she had those weeks ago outside the house she recognised.  
Joan's house.   
Pausing for a few moments sat inside her car, she studied the front of the house, being able to see a slither of light through the closed blinds on the front, slim windows, signalling that someone was inside the premises, Joan was inside, she was home, home when she should've been sat in her appointment with Vera.   
  
  
  
Getting out of her car, she locked it and made her way to the front door, tapping lightly on it and waiting, then tapping again, her ears then being able to make out footsteps coming towards her on the inside of the house, the door then clicking a couple of times as it was unlocked, being open a jar, brown eyes staring back at her over the chain that was still attached on the other side, of course Joan was safety conscious she wouldn't expect anything less, she'd have probably been more surprised had she not had been or not left this chain on whilst seeing who was knocking on her door, especially when she probably wasn't expecting anyone.   
Vera gave her a little smile. "Hello Joan".   
The older woman furrowed her brows and then relaxed them a little.   
"Yes?".   
"I just thought I'd come and check that you were ok seen as you were unable to attend your appointment today" came the simple reply, and she did want to check, given the fact Joan had attended her other appointments but suddenly she'd rang to say she wasn't attending this one, randomly and with no given reason why such as illness.   
"I'm fine thank you" going to close the door but Vera's hand gently stopping this, the action of her door not shutting causing Joan to look down and see Vera's hand the thing preventing this.   
"Please could I trouble you for a glass of water whilst I'm here, I've not had time to get a drink this afternoon at work?" looking towards the other woman as she asked, having not had chance for a drink that afternoon at work due to the paperwork she'd been working through at the time that Barbara had told her about Joan's message, Joan looking back at her and considering her request, seeing the fact that Vera had held her position after asking, not moving into Joan's space.   
"Erm...very well, I'll get you a glass of water" closing the door and taking the chain off the door and then opening it fully to let Vera come in.   
"Thank you" Vera smiled stepping into the hallway, wiping her shoes on the mat at the door as Joan closed the door and then moved past her into the kitchen, the younger woman looking around at her immediate surroundings, her ears picking up music coming from a music system set up in the nearby living room, music she recognised, recognised as music she herself listened too, listened to quite a bit if she was honest, taking a couple more steps off the mat and onto the wooden flooring, standing not far from the foot of the stairs but not going any further into Joan's house.   
"There we are" Joan said as she handed over a tumbler filled with water, watching Vera take the glass from her, take a sip and then another one.   
"Thank you for this" she smiled. "You've good taste in music" she remarked before taking some more sips of water.   
"Excuse me?" Joan frowned softly, not quite sure she'd heard her right.   
"The music you're listening to, Ludovico Einaudi Oltremare if I'm not mistaken..." watching one of Joan's eyebrows lift at the comment, this softening her face a little, a look that she didn't wear very often that Vera had noticed since they'd been put together for therapy.   
"You're correct, it is Einaudi" she was surprised when Vera announced the name and title of the song straight away and that she'd got it right, this teamed with the fact she'd complimented Joan's taste in the music she was playing in her home.   
Vera smiled. "He's one of my favourite musicians, his range of genres that he plays in his songs, the grace in which he plays the piano, the passion he plays it with, and the way there's almost different moods to each piece that he's written, I seem to find myself getting lost and taken away somewhere new each time I listen to his music, the emotions he brings with his playing and composition.." seeing Joan intently looking at her as she spoke, brown eyes fixed straight on her, something about the way she looked at you, the height she had, the big brown orbs, the window to the beginning of the older woman's soul, eyes that conveyed things that were unspoken by the woman herself, for now. "Sorry I got a bit carried away with myself then, I just really enjoy his music" taking another sip of water, looking at Joan as she did.  
"I myself share similar opinions to yourself in what I like about his music" was the simple answer from Joan, her face soft as she spoke, no raised eyebrows or frowning this time, hands clasped together in front of her over her simple black t shirt and loose fitting black jogging bottoms, her hair loose on her shoulders.  
  
  
  
This made Vera's smile remain as she took yet another sip of water, near enough finishing said glass of water.   
"I wanted to make sure that you were alright given that you didn't make it to your appointment today and didn't leave a message as to why, so I thought that I'd check you were ok on my way home".   
"I don't have to answer to you about what I do or don't do" Joan replied bluntly, her tone taking on a hint of irritation at the mention of her not attending her session, she wasn't about to let on to Vera that because of the last session that had been hard she didn't want to go back and embarrass herself, or what she saw as embarrassing herself, even though Vera hadn't ever said this.   
"You're right you don't, but I have a duty of care towards you, I like to know that you're ok and nothing bad has happened to you or that you've fallen ill and therefore can't attend, especially if you need medical aid if you're poorly".   
"Well I'm not ill am I, as you can see, so now you can leave can't you?!" her eyebrows furrowing at the insistence of the younger woman, an insistence she wasn't used to and therefore was somewhat suspicious of, suspicious of the care being shown.   
"I need some assurance that you're going to come to the next planned sessions, you're making progress, good progress and I think that it'd be a shame to not carry on in this way, you're doing well..." being cut off by the older woman taking the glass from her hand.   
"Get out, I don't want you in my house, get out now!" she growled, Vera jumping a little at how quick Joan had reacted, but also spotting the shaking of the older woman's hand with the almost empty glass in it, a sign that Vera took as fear more than anger, a defensive kind of fear, one she had spotted a few times when they'd been together in her office when certain topics had been brought up.   
"Ok, ok, it's alright Joan I'm going. Thank you for the glass of water, I'll see myself out" she replied softly, taking another quick glance at the face of the older woman before she turned on her heels and left, hearing the door bang shut behind her, making her way to sit in her car, not bothering to turn the engine on yet as she sat in the driver's seat, here she sat thinking for a good few minutes, her eyes glancing to her watch every so often, when it had been fifteen minutes she rooted in her handbag that she'd picked up from the passenger foot well, pulled out a scrap of paper and a pen, writing on the paper and putting the pen back in her bag, getting out of the car, making her way to the front door and pushing the now folded up piece of paper through the letterbox, before returning to her car and then turning on her engine, pulling away from the older woman's house and away down the road.   
  
  
  
On the other side of the door inside the house, sat on the bottom of the stairs still clutching the empty tumbler, Joan looked up from where she'd been staring at the floor when she heard the rattle of the letterbox, frowning as something floated down and landed without a sound onto the mat, getting up and moving over to pick it up, her brows still furrowed in confusion, sitting the glass on the little table by the door so she had two free hands to enable her to unfold the scrap of paper and read the inside, wandering her eyes over the telephone number and writing.   
_This is my number, if you need anything at all then use it, you're making good progress Joan, I believe in you. Vera_


	13. Chapter 13

There's something about nights.  
Nights alone.  
Night when you're not feeling right.  
When something is amiss.  
When you're alone.  
Alone with your thoughts.   
Thoughts you've had for quite a while.  
Ages in fact.   
Nights that make you think that bit more than you normally do.   
Thinking and thinking and thinking.   
Thoughts going around like a hamster on a wheel.   
A roundabout that you can't physically or mentally get off.   
It's a form of torture.  
Forget water torture, that was nothing compared to this.   
That was rather easy and pleasant.   
  
  
  
This was the situation that Joan currently found herself in, a couple of nights after the incident with Vera at her house, causing her to now be sat on her sofa at 1am, unable to sleep and clutching the scrap of paper that Vera had given her in one hand, her recently acquired mobile phone in the other hand, her eyes reading and then re reading the hand written note and number over and over again, and then her mind remembering that night and how she'd been with the other woman, yet that woman put her number through the door and offered a message of support, she'd left Joan's house when asked and then still put that scrap of paper through the door, even after her outburst, extending an olive branch to her, giving her an option, an outlet should she wish to take it, to use it.   
Closing her eyes she gripped her phone tighter, taking a deep breath, her jaw a little tense and tight, this feeling extending to her body, the weighty feeling she was carrying and experiencing on her shoulders at the moment, unable to shake it, sometimes it felt like it moved to her chest and made it harder to breathe, like she was drowning in certain instances.   
  
  
Drowning in pain.  
In hurt.  
In feelings.   
In loneliness.  
In fear.   
In tiredness.   
Fatigue that was physical and emotional.   
It sometimes made her mind and head hurt.   
Unable to figure out anything.   
Unable to think straight.   
Feeling like she was going mad.   
Actually going mad.  
Can tiredness actually do this to you?   
  
  
  
Hovering her hand above the phone keys, she placed the paper on her lap, her hands shakily making their way over the key pad as she typed a message out, starting to deleting it and then pausing, swallowing the lump in her throat and retyping it, keying in a number and closing her eyes as she pressed send, her heart feeling like it was about to burst out of her chest as she did so, something taking over her for these few minutes as she actually typed and then sent the message, something she didn't ever see herself doing,   
after all that wasn't her was it, that wasn't what she did, what she was supposed to do?   
The beeping from her phone a few minutes later making her jump from her thoughts, drawing her eyes to the lit up screen, the name Vera appearing along with it, still with trembling hands she opened it.   
**Do you need some company?  
** Joan paused before typing back a reply.  
**If it's convenient?**   
Immediately cursing herself for what she'd just sent.   
  
  
It's fucking 1am in the morning you stupid woman, of course it's not convenient!   
Convenient is in the afternoon.   
Or early evening.   
Or some other time that isn't the early hours of the morning.   
Just like now!   
Stupid, stupid woman!  
  
  
  
Looking to her phone as she got an alert of a message from Vera.  
**I'll be over soon, give me half an hour.**   
Putting her phone down after she'd read the message, looking at the clock in the living room and then at her phone again, fiddling with her fingers as she waited.   
  
  
  
Waiting.   
Waiting to see if she'd arrive.   
If she'd actually only be half an hour.   
If she'd just not bother.   
Just lying to Joan.  
Not really meaning what she said on her note.   
Not really being honest when she said she could contact her for anything.   
What if she didn't turn up?   
If she'd lied to Joan?   
Made a fool of her.  
Taken the piss.   
Offered the olive branch but not really.  
Had used it as a toy.   
As a lure of some sort.   
A lure for her own gain.   
Professional gain.   
Not meaning anything she said.   
Nothing.  
Knock knock.   
  
  
  
The sound of someone on the other side of the door rousing Joan out of her own head and back into her living room and to the present, the older woman putting her phone and the paper on her coffee table, making her way to the door, opening it to reveal the woman in question stood on the other side, dressed in loose fitting yoga pants and a t shirt, her hair loose on her shoulders and flip flops on her feet, the lack of heels making her that little bit smaller that she usually was.  
"Hello Joan" she smiled softly, seeing the older woman who was dressed in loose fitting dark jogging bottoms and a loose t shirt, her feet bare, give her a shy, almost tight smile, Vera sensing her shyness and embarrassment, Joan standing aside to let Vera come inside, closing the door behind them.   
"Can I...can I offer you a drink?".   
"I'll have a tea please if you don't mind?".   
Joan nodded. "I'll bring it over, you erm...you can sit down if you'd like" motioning to the sofa in her living room, feeling a little unsure of how to act in this situation, not used to someone else in her house and not at this time of the morning, when she was Governor at Wentworth and she went home after her shifts be it day or night then it was just her, her alone, no one else, not another being had set foot in here, even since being out and freed no one had come into her house either, no one except Vera.   
Carrying both cups over from the kitchen, Joan placed them each on its own coaster on the coffee table in front of the pair of them, the steam rising from each cup into the cooler air of the living room.   
"Thank you" Vera said picking her cup up and cradling it as she blew gently on the steaming tea in the cup and then took a small sip, aware of a pair of eyes on her next to her as she did so, Joan's eyes, some had said she had cold eyes, Vera thought there was more to them than that, a haunted look almost, a fear of sorts if you looked close enough, which from what she'd learned so far most people wouldn't and hadn't gone near Joan for quite a long time. "I'm here to listen to whatever you'd like to say and if that's nothing then I'll just sit here and offer you my silent company too" she reassured softly, replacing her cup back on the coaster and giving Joan a little smile as she did so.  
Joan swallowed at the words.  
  
  
  
It seemed the mention of talking effected me.   
Something about that concept.  
The concept of opening your mouth and sharing.   
Sharing thoughts and feelings with someone else.   
Those things I've been told so many times that you don't do.   
Don't do because it's weak.   
Because it's something you keep to yourself.   
It's your own weight to carry.   
And yes it's definitely a weight.   
One I feel on your shoulders and chest.   
A weight in my head too.  
It hurts my brain sometimes.  
Like a millstone that I feel like I want rid of.   
A heaviest weight that's hard to carry.   
But also a risk to start to move.   
Start to move because of what repercussions that it might have.   
What if they don't understand?   
What if they judge me?   
They use it against me.   
Strike me down with it.   
Hurt me with it?   
This is part of the reasons why I've never spoken about things to anyone.  
It's dangerous.  
  
  
  
"I erm...what I said the other night, it wasn't right, I shouldn't have raised my voice like that at you. I....I apologise, I'm....I'm sorry" looking down at her hands and then turning her head slightly to the side away from Vera after she'd spoken, feeling ashamed of her behaviour, having had some time to recollect the situation and that the younger woman hadn't done anything wrong to warrant her outburst.   
Vera watched the woman next to her, the turning of her head, the fiddling of her fingers after she'd spoken the words quietly, the waves of shame and embarrassment she was feeling from Joan, figuring it took a lot for the woman to send that message and then actually apologise, very carefully reaching her left hand out and touching her fingertips to the top of Joan's right hand, the older woman's breath hitching a little at the touch but allowing the small amount of contact, the warmth and softness of Vera's fingertips against her own skin, it feeling more pleasant than she ever thought they would.   
"It's ok Joan, I understand, the fact you sent that message and apologised is quite a thing to do, a good thing, a positive thing, more than what some other people might do, it means a lot to me as does the fact that you've offered me the piece of trust to invite me into your home again and let me sit with you like this, so thank you for these things" her voice laced with sincerity and softness, no hint of anger or belittlement towards the other woman, letting Joan know she was forgiven, offering her that little key of 'freedom' from one of the burdens she'd been carrying in her mind about how she'd behaved towards Vera.   
Whether it was the way the other woman spoke, the very gentle touch she'd given Joan, the fact that she felt a small relief at the forgiveness and understanding of Vera, or a combination of these things that caused her to release a deep breath she'd become unaware she'd been holding, the weight and tension leaving from sitting on her chest, this relief causing her to close her eyes and then feel herself lean ever so slightly right, finding herself resting against the body of the other woman, her hands coming to rest a top of her thighs, Vera's left hand silently and gently moving with Joan's hand, laying itself over the top of the other woman's giving it a light squeeze and then returning to rest on the top of it, both women just sat together on the sofa in silence, Joan resting against the woman next to her, Vera with a silent but supportive and understanding hand over the larger one of the older woman's.  
  
  
  
It seems she likes physical contact on some level.   
She enjoys it.   
It does comfort her.   
As long as it's done in a patient and gentle way.   
Given the understanding she seems to respond in a positive way.   
It seems to calm her on a deeper level than some people might find it calming.   
She's very wary of trusting people.  
This is probably due to the damage others have caused her physically and mentally.   
She is like a little girl on that level too.   
She just wants to feel safe.   
Safe and secure and then she might build that trust slowly.   
It just takes patience.   
Trial and error.   
Patience.  
And getting to know and understand her.   
All of the things I'm willing to do.  
To do for her because I feel she deserves them.   
No one seems to have put themselves out there to help her.   
So I am. Now it's my turn.   
My turn to offer her all these things.   
To show her she can trust me.   
And this has started tonight.   
Started with a simple touch.   
A touch from me to her.   
And she's reciprocated it by now being sat here gently leaning on me.   
Leaning on me and letting me touch her hand.   
I'm here Joan.   
I'm here for you to lean on.   
I'm here.


	14. Chapter 14

"...he....he used to say...to say to show...show emotions was weak, that it made you look weak to show such things, things that shouldn't be shown to people because then you were perceived to have a weak character" pausing from speaking to take a sip from the already opened bottle of water on the table in front of her, Vera glancing at the woman in front of her as she did so.

 

It'd been quite the session up to now.  
Quite the session indeed.  
Quite a heavy one.  
For Joan anyway.  
And Vera was feeling things a little too.  
Feeling them given how much they'd managed to discuss about Joan's past compared to before in previous appointments.  
The older woman having quietly admitted that things hadn't been like this till after her mother had died, that they'd had a nice life, a happy one, but then it changed when the death had occurred, affecting all of them and morphing her father over night, turning him into someone unrecognisable.  
He was angry and volatile, nasty, violent, abusive and all this was aimed and directed at one person, the only other person around him at this time.  
Joan.  
But not grown up Joan.

 

From what the older woman had described, it made it obvious to Vera that Joan had only been a toddler when her mother had died, a toddler when her dad had turned into for want of a better word a monster. A monster who blamed Joan for her mother's death, said it was her fault because she warranted and wanted too much attention, too much affection, too much love all the time, that she was an annoyance, and if she hadn't have been such an annoyance and needy then her mother would still be here and he wouldn't be stuck with her right now on his own.  
Hearing that he'd look at her and then flip in anger, this anger manifesting itself into shouting at her, hurling abuse and sometimes physical violence against the helpless and vulnerable toddler, a little girl who didn't know any different, who was looking to her father for some comfort and love after losing her mother, but instead she got the opposite, she got shunned, shouted at, physically hit and smacked and then blamed for his violent outbursts, yelled at when she cried at the injuries and because she was scared of him.  
"And how did these things make you feel Joan?" Vera asked softly, thinking Joan had gathered herself enough to continue the session.  
At first she didn't say anything, she just sat looking at her hands and then glanced up at Vera and then to the wall to her right, still in silence.  
Then she opened her mouth but no words came out at first, closing it and then attempting to speak again.  
"W...Why me?" she said quietly, Vera detecting her voice quivering and then breaking, wandering her eyes over Joan's face to see big brown eyes widening and glazing with a haunted look. "W....Why me....why me, I....I....I was just a little girl....why me?" the last utterance of the words causing the pain to rise to the surface after years of being suppressed deep down, like a volcano erupting, but the only lava Joan was expelling was pain, years upon years of pure white pain. "WHY ME?! WHY ME?!" she yelled into the space of the office, it reverberating off the walls and any other available solid surface there was, a large hand lashing out and fully contacting with the uncapped water bottle on the coffee table, swiping it onto the carpet, this action causing another wave of emotion to come out, the emotion that strong that it brought this statuesque and otherwise on the surface steady and unflappable woman to her knees, literally to her knees, tears uncontrollably spilling out of her eyes, a hand suddenly clutching at her chest because she felt she couldn't breathe, a film of sweat breaking out on her brow, her chest heaving, her free hand pulling at the slightly open at the top, loose, long sleeved, collarless khaki coloured blouse she was wearing underneath her black cardigan, she pulled at the top of it even though it wasn't fully buttoned up, pulling because she felt like she couldn't get her breath, that she was suffocating, that somehow it was stopping her or hindering her.

 

Panic attack are the two words going through Vera's mind as she saw Joan's reaction, she herself immediately jumping off her chair to help, lowering herself on the floor near the older woman.  
"It's ok Joan, it's ok" she started gently but firmly, seeing the wide eyed look she got back, Joan was there but wasn't at the same time, she was in this in between state, being taken over by panic and the fact she was dispelling pent up emotions, years of them.

 

Emotions I sense she's never released.  
Emotions that have been so tightly wound up.  
So wound up in her she's had no idea what to do with them.  
Wound up in her mind and body.  
It literally consuming her.  
Probably made worse by being in prison.  
She's had no release.  
No escape.  
They've been with her since childhood and no one has bothered to offer their time to help her.  
She's just been abandoned.  
Abandoned emotionally and physically.  
Abandoned most of her life.  
People not caring.  
Not bothering.  
Pushing her to the side.  
Forgetting about her.  
Hurting her.  
Neglecting her.  
No wonder she doesn't trust many people.  
I don't think I would either.  
Maybe I'd be in a similar kind of state if I'd been through half of what she has.  
Maybe I'd be worse.  
Maybe I'd shut myself away from the world and never come out.  
Or I'd be so angry, so so angry.

 

"I...I...can't..." mumbled Joan, still pulling at her collar tightly, this was someone feeling like they were falling apart, losing control, feeling like they were going to die, that they actually were going mad, going mad right in front of someone else, someone they didn't want to see them lose their mind in front of.  
"Yes you can, you can breathe you can" seeing Joan shake her head, her tears increasing in frequency, her breathing hitching, unable to breathe as quickly as the tears were falling, this not being lost on Vera, she couldn't just sit here this far away from the distraught woman, so she took a chance and worked off instinct, leaning forward and closing the gap between them, she said nothing as she wrapped her arms around the upper body of the other woman, bringing her into her. "I'm here Joan, you're not alone, you're not alone" feeling the shaking and sobbing frame against her, she'd never felt shaking like it before in her life, especially from someone she was helping and she'd dealt with some tough patient cases.  
At first Joan tried to push away from Vera's hold, she tugged at her collar still, mumbling words through her tears that Vera couldn't quite make out because of how upset Joan was, but she held firm, trusting her instinct and knowledge she had gathered and was gathering more and more of Joan that she responded to consistency and effort, evidence of words backed up by actions, someone saying something and then actually doing it.  
Vera wasn't exactly sure how long they'd both been sat on the floor in the office, her with her back against the front of the chair that Joan had been sat in, the older woman tucked into her arms, a head leaned on her shoulder, but eventually after keeping her grip firm around Joan and repeating comforting words and statements, the odd and gentle squeeze of her arms, it'd taken a while but eventually Joan had started to calm down, she'd stopped fighting against the younger woman, ceased tugging at her collar and started to listen and absorb what the voice holding her was telling her, her brain actually registering the words themselves and matching them with the actions that Vera was exhibiting, both these things having the desired effect of calming her, her body not trembling half as much, her crying being reduced to soft whimpers and sniffles now and then, her hands moving from pulling and grabbing herself, to instead lightly holding onto Vera's cardigan, the soft material somehow feeling pleasant and soothing for Joan to hold.

 

There we are.  
That's much better.  
That's what we and I were trying to achieve.  
I'm glad she's calmed down.  
I'm glad that I've managed to help her in some way.  
I like being able to comfort her.  
To feel that she feels comforted by me.  
That she feels a sense of safety with me.  
A sense of safety enough that she'll sit like this.  
Sit in my arms and be calm.  
Not want to run out of my arms.  
I don't think she understands what a privilege it is to be able to help her like this.  
Because to me it is.  
It's one I enjoy.  
Maybe some might say that that's wrong but it a privilege to me.  
No one else comforts her so I will.  
I'll do it.  
Giving the woman in her arms another gentle squeeze, Vera glanced down at her, a soft smile on her face as she saw that Joan had her eyes closed right at that moment, she was tucked into Vera's arms with her eyes closed.  
That's right Joan you just rest there.  
You just rest I'm right here.  
I've got you.  
It's ok, it's all ok.


	15. Chapter 15

Sat on her sofa in her living room she fiddled with her fingers, glancing around her space, it looking slightly different than it had before she'd attended her appointment a couple of hours ago, she'd felt it was a bit different when she'd gotten home, different but she wasn't quite sure how.

 

It was definitely a different reaction.  
I reacted.  
Reacted to the dare I say it emotion.  
I never react to emotion.  
Because I'm not allowed.  
I've never been allowed.  
It's something I'm not allowed to do.  
I've been taught it's wrong.  
Something you just don't do.  
Don't do because you'd be weak to do it.  
But then today.  
Before.  
I reacted.  
I reacted to the situation.  
And cried.  
Released.  
Released something.  
Many things.  
In front of her.  
And now.  
Now I feel strange.  
Drained.  
Tired.  
Dare I also say vulnerable.  
Like I'm not sure what to do.  
Where to put myself.  
Restless.  
Agitated.  
Somewhat anxious.

 

With trembling and cool hands, Joan found Vera's number on her phone, shakily pressing the call button and waiting, her mind in two parts as she heard the dial tone on the other end, one part telling her to hang up, the other telling her not to hang up, to keep on the phone as it rang, a battle of wills, wills in her own brain.  
"Hello?" came the soft tone down the phone and into Joan's ear, the tone that was always soft when the phone was answered.  
"H..He...Hello" Joan mumbled just above a whisper as soon as she heard Vera.  
"Joan, are you alright?" automatically concerned about the other woman's welfare, this also was becoming a regular occurrence to.  
"I....I feel...strange.." came the feeble answer, this also a clue to Vera that something wasn't quite right with the older woman.  
"It's ok I'll come and see you, I'll not be long" Vera replied, hanging up the phone and then going to get changed.  
Nodding to herself as she heard Vera hanging up the phone, Joan put the phone on the coffee table and took another glance around her living room and then into her kitchen, before her eyes landed back on her phone.

 

I reached out to her again.  
I rang her.  
Rang her and reached out.  
Said to her that I didn't feel right.  
And now she's coming over.  
Again.  
Coming over to see me.  
No one has ever come to see me.  
To see if I'm ok.  
But she has.  
She has on a couple of occasions now.  
She's offered that to me.  
Offered that olive branch.  
No one has done this kind of thing before.  
No one has ever put themselves out for me.  
I've always been a lone wolf.  
On my own.  
No one wanting or offering to help me.  
No one stepping towards me as opposed to away.  
But her.  
She's done the opposite.  
She steps towards me.  
Almost offers me a helping hand.  
A helping hand and she's asked for nothing in return.  
She's never offered it and wanted something back from me.  
Or helped and then asked me to 'pay her back'.  
She's done it for nothing.  
All she's said is that she was there if I needed her.  
That I could turn to her.  
That I could ring her.  
And somehow, some way I do.  
I respond to her.  
I ring her.  
I struggle but I speak.  
I say a couple of words.  
Only a couple.  
But a couple is enough.  
Enough for her to understand.  
For her to understand me.  
No one has ever understood anything about me.  
Ever.  
Not even my own father.  
He was the opposite in understanding me.  
But her.  
She seems to understand.  
And somehow I understand on a level that makes me reach out to her.  
I reach out for her.  
I silently ask for her help that she's constantly offering me.  
I ask.  
Me.  
I ask someone.  
That someone being her.  
And now here I am sat thinking about her.  
The way she treats me.  
Her kindness.  
Kindness towards me.  
Her patience.  
Unwavering patience.  
Patience that hasn't faltered yet towards me.  
The way she smiles at me all the time.  
That nice smile she has.  
She's got a nice face too.  
A nice demeanour.  
I don't usually get along with 'nice' people.  
I don't usually get along with most people really.  
Purely for the fact when they've been nice before it's not real.  
It's because they've been wanting something from me.  
It's been pretend niceness.  
But I respond to her.  
I respond to her nice nature.  
Sat here thinking about her.  
What is going on?  
I never think about people.  
Not about other people.  
And not about other women.  
Definitely not about other women.  
But her...?

 

A couple of steady knocks at the door roused her from her thoughts and cut them short, making Joan look around to the noise, rising from her chair and opening the door, opening it to a yet again kindly smiling Vera looking up at her due to the height difference.  
"Hi" Vera murmured softly, gaining a little smile from the older woman, who moved aside to let her in the house.  
"I erm...I shouldn't have rang you for this, I erm....I think you've had a wasted journey coming here, it's silly of me to feel like this, I should be able to just deal with it on my own, not have to drag you all the way out here like this, it was wrong of me....wrong to ring you" shaking her head and looking at the floor, suddenly seeming to regret her decision to ring Vera, feeling foolish and embarrassed to have to reach out over something she now thought was maybe silly and small, but knowing that she was struggling with the feelings on her own so that's why she rang the first and only person that sprang to the front of her mind, the one her brain told her would help her and know what to do and or say.  
"It wasn't wrong Joan, not at all, it was right. And you're not silly, not at all, you were struggling and needed help, so you reached out for that help as I said you could and here I am, ok?" Vera replied as she stood in front of the now closed front door, seeing Joan raise her eyes from the floor and to the other woman, giving a little nod in acknowledgement of Vera's words, this bringing a kind smile from the younger woman.  
"Can I...would you like a drink?" Joan asked, to which Vera accepted, watching the older woman move into the kitchen as she took her spot on the sofa, her eyes not moving from the tall figure across the space, the way she moved around her kitchen dressed in her 'home clothes', how relaxed she seems in her own home, no tension on her features, her handsome features.

 

Bloody hell Vera what are you doing?  
Sat here watching her.  
Watching her because it seems that you can't help yourself?  
Can't help yourself watching her.  
Watching her because she fascinates you.  
Because you find her attractive.  
You find Joan Ferguson attractive.  
Fuck.


	16. Chapter 16

Sitting.  
Thinking.  
Wondering.  
Analysing.  
Scrutinising.

 

Vera's current situation as she sat at home and sipped at a cup of tea, having not long been home from Joan's house, her mind trying to make sense at what had gone on and what was going on currently.  
Finding her mind wandering to how she's found herself liking speaking to the older woman and spending time with her like they'd just done at her house, but even more surprising to Vera was the pull and creeping attraction to Joan she'd felt washing over her when she was in Joan's presence over the past month or so, something she'd never imagined could happen before and especially not to her, not to Vera Bennett, but it's something she can't seem to get a grip of enough to stop it in its tracks, to stop it right where it is.

 

It's something that shouldn't ever happen between a professional and a patient, a client, it's just one of the 'worst' things that could ever happen in this situation, someone under her watch, her guidance, her care, her patient, her client, it's place she never ever saw herself in like this, feeling attraction to a patient, it was something she'd read about and heard about happening elsewhere and always brushed it off as something that happened to other therapists to other psychologists, other professionals in her field of work, but never a position that she'd find herself in, yet here she was, right in that very situation.  
Not that this was in anyway relevant, because this attraction was all one way it was all Vera towards Joan, not that Joan would find the younger woman in anyway attractive to her, after all Joan was such an attractive and striking woman, even if a lot of other people saw her as this cold and hard figure, Vera knew different, she got to see the 'real' Joan, the Joan under that body armour, the soft Joan, the vulnerable Joan, all of these glimpses just made the older woman that bit more attractive to Vera, feeling so lucky to be allowed that glimpse or glimpses of the other woman.

 

There'd been a respect developing between the two women over the last few months, there has for Vera anyway, the fact that Joan has started to open up to Vera, trust her that bit more, started to become the woman that Vera feels she is underneath the hurt and pain of her past, also a respect given what Joan has been through, starting when she was just a little girl, the pain and abuse she's suffered, yet the woman is still here after all those years, all those decades, through all of it she made a career, climbed the ladder, became governor of Wentworth and ran a successful prison, cleaning up the drugs issue and getting glowing reports from the board about her conduct as a governor and how the prison itself was being run, a stark contrast to what the board considered chaos before her arrival, Joan brought in to try and rectify what had gone on previously and rectify it she did very well, well organised and efficient.

 

For sure there were things that the older woman had probably done whilst at Wentworth and during her life that weren't good, she'd heard certain rumours and bits and pieces on the gossip grapevine about what Joan is meant to have done within the prison walls to prisoners and maybe guards alike, whether they were true or not Vera wasn't sure, she thought that the older woman may have used certain underhand and not above board actions, but what these may or may not have been well they'd never know, no one on this planet was perfect and that was certainly true of Joan Ferguson, but it was also true of Vera Bennett too, it was true of everyone.

 

Being perfect was probably something that Joan's father indoctrinated or at least tried his damn hardest to instil into her from god knows what age, very young if you asked Vera and listen to the woman herself speak and you actually properly listened you got snippets of this kind of thing from her, little bits and flakes. The woman has been subjected to severe emotional and physical damage from a young age, an age that makes big impacts on her psyche, she's been given from what Vera can see hardly any help to try heal these gaping wounds, not to mention not being given any kind of love and attention that Vera thought the older woman has craved and basically been starved of, basic things that little children need, need to grow up and develop fully, emotionally and physically. Instead Joan had been starved in all ways of any of these things, abandoned so much and tossed aside, preventing any kind of wound healing, and instead it leaves them and the woman herself exposed, exposed and trembling with anger, hurt and vulnerability, not knowing where if anywhere to turn and who to turn to, to start to make any kind of sense of feeling like this, to try and soothe her pain, she's had no one, literally no one in this world.  
All this together, all put together has made Joan into the woman that Vera had first met outside that prison on her release day, the woman who simply looked at her, not a flicker of anything when she did, a blank but slightly irritated expression, wary of having another person within ten feet of her. And those first couple of sessions weren't exactly what she could have deemed as easy, because it wasn't, it was rather tough, difficult, not that she was surprised by this, not surprised by any of it, she saw the older woman as a kind of puzzle, someone who had so many layers, hidden layers to her that were covered in her shell, her protection, her body armour, her self preservation tactics, a combination of things she used to keep people at arms' length and therefore save herself from getting hurt by anyone or anything, a survival tool she'd needed to use over the years. Joan had started off was the word frosty, defiant, none cooperative, obviously not wanting to be there, thinking it was all a pointless exercise, a waste of her time, that she didn't need to be there, had no reason to be there, especially with a woman younger than herself, and it'd taken a lot of patience from Vera's side, luckily the younger woman had plenty of this given the nature of her job and her as a person, she'd had to find little things or 'keys' to open communication with the older woman, things that gained Joan's attention and slowly got the older woman to settle down that bit more in every session, making her feel that bit more comfortable, comfort that had reached the point they were at at the moment, communication slowly getting better and better, Joan releasing some of her inner pain and allowing Vera to comfort her when she did so.

 

Everything to do with the older woman seemed to be going in the right direction in her sessions and treatment, the techniques and work Vera had planned for her obviously coming to fruition and being effective in helping Joan, but this wasn't at the expense of Vera finding herself being hit full square in the face at her growing attraction to Joan, when did that happen?! So much so that she was now in bed and going to sleep, or attempting too given the present circumstances, with a certain dark haired, older woman filling her brain, and it was fully filling it...fuck this is where I'm at right now is it, going to sleep thinking of her, god woman what is going on here, just what is happening to me?!


	17. Chapter 17

Sometimes long days just call for a catch up with your best friend, nothing too much just a couple of hours in a local bar in the city, having some food and a drink, soft drinks for driving of course, but just some easy going company and conversation, some winding down time before you go home and go to bed, that's what Georgia and Vera were currently doing after both had decided after equally long days that this is just the thing they both needed.

 

It'd not been anything too much, just some good food, relaxed atmosphere with a close friend, someone who you could just have a moan about random things to, work things, someone who understood your point of view, and then in the next minute have you laughing because the subject had been changed to something light hearted and silly for both of you to laugh at, the joy of close friends who just understand you.

 

Both women were that engrossed in general and friendly chatter that they were unaware of the figure who'd happened to be passing the window outside, the figure who'd decided to venture out of the house, the cover of darkness making her feel that bit better, darkness and it not being as full of people, seen as most people were now home from work and not out on the city streets, it being a week day helping on the decision for her to venture out from her house, seeing what it'd be like. This tall figure just by chance glancing into the bar and her eyes catching sight of a figure she recognised, a figure she'd recognise anywhere, Vera, only Vera wasn't alone, Vera had company, another woman for company, someone she was currently laughing at something with, the face of the psychologist lighting up and erupting when she laughed, this being something Joan hadn't ever seen her do before, her attention then turned to her companion, Georgia, the other woman looking like she was slightly older than Vera, sitting not too far away from the younger woman, fully engaged in the conversation, something she said yet again causing Vera to laugh, only this time Vera reached her hand out and touched the other woman's forearm, this causing one of Joan's hands to ball into a fist at her side, her big brown eyes totally locked at the scene in front of her, like she had tunnel vision to only be able to see Vera and the other woman, the other woman who seemed to be very close to Vera, too close. 

 

After a few minutes of talking, Vera turned her head to glance to her left, her eyes almost immediately looking through the other tables and to the window spotting Joan, skimming her eyes over the tall figure at the window, seeing the balled fist and the look of tension spread across Joan's features, Vera looking at the window causing Georgia to do the same, and then at Vera.  
"Is that who I think it is?" Georgia asked, Vera then looking to her as she rose from her seat.  
"Give me a minute, I won't be long" stepping past Georgia who was still sat down.  
"But Vee..".  
"It's fine, I'll not be long, it's fine, honestly" giving her friend a knowing smile, telling Georgia that she'd be ok, passing the other tables and then out of the door. "Joan?" the older woman turning after a few seconds to look at the smaller woman who was now outside with her.  
"What?" the short and blunt answer from the older woman, not giving Vera the chance to answer. "That's it now I suppose, you're not going to help me anymore, you're just like everyone else, a liar" she said without taking a breath, shaking her head and going to turn and walk away, not expecting to feel Vera's hand on her wrist over the top of her overcoat, stopping her walking away from her, then leading her away from the main view of the bar window off to the side, not waiting for Joan's approval.  
"That woman with me in there, that's Georgia, she's one of my best friends and has been for quite a few years now, she works at the hospital as a psychiatrist, she's one of the first people I met there and talked to, we'd both had a stressful and busy day today and decided to come out for some food together, try and de stress a little" she explained, her eyes with Joan's as she spoke, wanting Joan to look at her, seeing the look of the older woman was one of Joan's undecided and not quite sure if she believed her or not, her insecurity and abandonment fear starting to rear its head in this situation, seeing Vera close to another person, another woman. "And whilst we're on the subject, why wouldn't I help you anymore, me being friends with someone at the hospital has no impact on me helping or wanting to help you, you're making such good steps and progress Joan as I've told you before..." seeing the older woman go to try to interrupt her but getting there first. "No let me speak please, and as well as wanting to help you and being able to see how well you're making this progress, I happen to like spending time with you in the sessions and in general, yes you heard right I enjoy spending time with you Joan, another reason why nothing is changing either, everything is alright, our relationship is exactly as it was before, I promise you" staying silent as she finished speaking to try and let the older woman digest what she'd just told her, her eyes not moving from the older woman's as she spoke, speaking truthfully and directly to Joan all the time.

 

She really does feel alone.  
She is this alone in the world.  
Properly alone.  
That alone that she saw Georgia as some kind of 'threat'.  
A threat that could in her head potentially take me away in some capacity.  
Take me away from her.  
Someone who seems to have a bit of an understanding of her.  
Someone who has gained a bit of her trust.  
Someone she has started peeling her layers away for.  
She's terrified of losing this.  
She's scared so she lashes out or at least tries to.  
Lashes out as a form of protection.  
Protection from a potential abandonment situation.  
That this relationship we have means that much to her.  
More to her than she's willing to say out loud.  
That maybe I've become someone of a little bit of importance to her?  
That she values me and what I offer and am like as a person more than she's ever said?

 

"Do you hear me?" she asked softly, gently taking Joan's hands in her own, feeling the softness of the other woman's skin on her own, people might be inclined to think that the older woman might have rough skin or not nice skin, nothing could further from the truth, Joan's skin was the softest skin Vera could say she'd probably ever felt, and it felt so nice to have against her own hands, feeling the older woman's larger hands in her smaller ones, the touch softening Joan's expression considerably as well as her hearing the reassuring words from Vera, the younger woman seeming to be able to carve a path through the chaos in Joan's mind and settle her down, and the fact she believed Vera in what she said helped too, she believed her when she said everything between them was alright, that Georgia was no threat to their relationship and to her helping Joan, not to mention feeling Vera's hands holding hers, the physical contact of the younger woman towards her acted like a pacifier, an adult pacifier, a pacifier Joan couldn't honestly recall ever having before, it seemed no one had connected with her before like the younger woman in front of her.

 

Not saying a word Joan nodded in confirmation that she had indeed hear every word that Vera had said to her, this nod causing Vera to break into a kind smile that she flashed at Joan, a knowing smile slowly being returned by Joan herself as they stood together, the tension of the previous minutes dissolving into the night as both women stood holding hands, a peaceful silence now between them.


	18. Chapter 18

Outfits.  
Outfits and style.  
Some people can wear certain things and others can't.  
Some look nice easily it seems.  
Others it take more time.  
Joan always seemed to wear nice outfits.  
Well put together.  
A clean style.  
Smart, classy, fresh.

 

That's some of the things Vera had thought when the older woman had entered the room at the beginning of their session together and still thought it now since the session had ended, Joan being Vera's last client of the day, the last late appointment she'd had available in her diary, this ended up with Vera asking Joan if she'd like a coffee seen as it'd been another successful session, going rather smooth and being quite calm, this resulting in Joan accepting the offer, something she wouldn't have even entertained at the beginning of meeting Vera, not a chance.  
Joan Ferguson at the start of her initial release from Wentworth didn't want to drink coffee with anyone and certainly not another woman, another younger woman, one who she was being forced to converse with, but Joan now found their interactions and meetings rather pleasant, their exchange outside the bar showing the progress they'd made and were making, the bond that was growing, the relationship that was forming and these things in themselves were milestones.  
"It's nice to have a coffee with you Joan" Vera remarked generally as both of them took sips from their cups, big brown but shy eyes peeking at the younger woman over the cup, steam wafting from the hot liquid near Joan's eyes like a temporary veil that then vanished into the air between them.  
It seems such a simple thing to share a coffee with someone, and to then have them say how they enjoy sharing the time with you, a simple but enjoyable thing, a thing Vera was liking with Joan.  
"You actually have proper coffee, not the material people try to pretend or disguise as coffee and then still try and convince you otherwise, it's nice coffee I must say, it's a good taste" Joan offered back, offering Vera a little smile when she saw the younger woman smile at her across from her on the other chair.  
"Real coffee is important, no plastic coffee in my office, Joan" the remark seeming to hit something within Joan, the quick comeback one she appreciated and gave a little snigger against her cup, this action not going unnoticed by Vera, it widening her smile that bit more, she actually just gained a snigger from Joan Ferguson, an actual snigger, the notion making her feeling a little dare she say it smug.

 

That was quick I must say.  
A quick and witty comeback.  
Rather dare I say it amusing.  
She's an intelligent woman.  
A funny one too.  
Quick in her mind.  
It's a good quality to have.  
Intelligence isn't overrated at all.  
It's important.  
It's a splendid quality.  
A quality she has.

 

Both women then dissolved into general conversation, finding out more nuggets of information about the other, it being nice they were having these kinds of conversations together 'outside' of Joan's therapy and it being about general things like friends could and would talk about, here they were both looking like two friends chatting over coffee, regardless of the setting being in Vera's office, that didn't seem to matter at all under these circumstances.  
It seems that when people bothered to take the time to sit and actually talk to Joan instead of at her then the conversation was interesting and varied, the older woman having vast knowledge of different things and interests too, things people would never have known or expected because of their judgements of what they'd heard from other sources instead of getting to know the woman themselves, whilst these judgements and assumptions were understandable on some level, on others they weren't because the saying goes you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, yet the majority of people seemed to be quick to judge this woman by her cover, not fully realising what was underneath that front cover in amongst all those pages and layers.

 

And I like talking to her.  
She's clever and interesting.  
Her intelligence is something many don't actually realise about her.  
She's not gotten this far in life by being dumb.  
Far from this.  
She's smart.  
And if only people were prepared to see chinks of this.  
Because I see it.  
I see it very clearly.

 

With their coffee drank and Vera finished for the day the younger woman offered Joan a lift home seen as she was heading home too, of course Joan was conscious of not putting Vera out and too much trouble at having to do this instead of not just going straight home after working all day, Vera quickly telling her that it was no trouble and if it had been then she wouldn't have offered it in the first place, the confirmation putting Joan's mind at rest, the older woman gratefully accepting Vera's offer and thanking her for the lift home, this simple exchange between them making Vera smile to herself as she drove Joan home, the fact that this woman now seemed to be a little more relaxed or certainly heading that way in terms of accepting something as simple as a lift home from her, something she probably wouldn't have done at the very beginning of them meeting.  
With her evening meal eaten and everything tidied up downstairs, Joan took herself up to bed changing into her pyjamas and relaxing against her pillows, turning her bedside lamp off as she did so.

 

There was something about when you get into bed at night, something that seems to turn your mind on to thinking about various things all at once, or it makes you mind analyse things that during the day when you've been busy that you haven't thought about or paid much attention too, but that calm and quiet of being in bed, that then allows these thoughts and this thinking to come into play, just like it seemed was the case for Joan now, only these weren't just random thoughts, they were thoughts that all revolved around one thing, one person, Vera.

 

Having spent some more time with the younger woman again today after her session and how general and relaxed this was, it got the older woman actually taking into account what it all meant, how it felt, how it made her feel, what was said. Of course she was finding Vera's company pleasant and nice, she found herself liking their exchanges and the conversations they had and the fact that the other woman had gained a snigger from her at her witty comment was something Joan couldn't say another person had before, also the way that Vera seemed to know how to calm her down in certain situations like outside the bar the other night, that could've escalated into something bigger, something more distressing for both parties and all happened in public too, but it hadn't, it'd been quelled, brought back down before a flame was lit and a bomb had gone off, all quelled by Vera, she'd known exactly what to say and do to ensure that Joan clearly understood that there was no threat to their relationship and sessions whatsoever and went so far to tell her that she enjoyed her company and liked spending time with her, something no one else had ever said to her, they'd said the opposite enough times in her life, but never what Vera had said and this made Joan feel funny, feel funny inside, a feeling that had crept up upon her, a feeling only Vera had enticed from her and why, why had she enticed this feeling?

 

It feels oddly rather comfortable.  
She's rather comfortable in who she is.  
How she is.  
And that is a first for me.  
A first in my life.  
She offers things to me.  
Things that no one ever has before.  
Her time.  
Her effort.  
Her understanding.  
Her patience.  
Her compassion.  
Her kindness.  
Her humour.  
Her comfort.  
Her trust.  
No one else has ever offered anything like this before.  
I've been a lost cause to near enough everyone.  
Someone defective, weird, a freak.  
Definitely a freak to lots of people.  
Someone who was beyond any kind of help.  
Even the professionals no doubt wouldn't touch my file.  
It was passed through various hands until the court found her.  
Or should that be she found me.  
She took it on.  
Took me on.  
And she is still here a few months later.  
Not days.  
Not hours.  
Not weeks.  
But months.  
And at the beginning I didn't have any interest talking to her.  
None whatsoever.  
Why should I, she couldn't help me.  
She'd be horrible.  
She was younger.  
Probably thought she was smarter than me.  
But I was wrong.  
She can and has been helping me.  
I actually have found myself enjoying her company.  
I don't mind attending the sessions with her.  
Because they're with her.  
And then the incident with Georgia.  
I felt it.  
That certain something.  
I guess people call it dare I say it jealousy.  
Pangs.  
Pangs in my gut.  
Like I was watching in slow motion her laughing with her friend.  
But I didn't want it to be her friend there making her laugh.  
I wanted it to be me.  
I wanted to make her laugh.  
To be that close to her in public.  
Also that she's an attractive woman.  
Very attractive.  
Fuck.  
I find her attractive?

 

Joan took a breath as she repeated that last line to herself in her head, she found Vera attracted, she found her psychologist and friend attractive and had found herself thinking of her in other ways and terms as more than just a friend to her.  
Not that this made a difference the older woman thought in her mind, after all why would someone of Vera's intelligence and beauty find someone like her attractive, not that she was probably interested in women anyway, no doubt she had some boyfriend, or fiancé or husband at home, or a girlfriend or wife if she was interested in women, someone had already probably got Vera for themselves and why wouldn't you, she was quite a woman to be involved with as a person, to be in a relationship with her, well you'd definitely gotten lucky then, not like Joan, who'd want someone like Joan, especially not someone like Vera, never someone like Vera, she could never even think of being interested in someone like Joan, that was a ridiculous thing to even begin to imagine, so she'd better stop was the thought that snapped her back to the fact she was led in bed, in the dark on her own and Vera was probably at home with goodness knows who, taken, happy and taken, so stop it Joan, forget it.

 

You could never get someone like her.  
She'd never give someone like you a second glance.  
Just close your eyes and go to sleep.  
Stupid, stupid woman.


	19. Chapter 19

Another calm and successful session over between them for another week, Joan found herself staying sat in her chair, that had over the months become her chair in Vera's office, straight across from the younger woman, sat in it and watching Vera cross her office to the other side and take her seat at her desk, Joan herself sipping from her bottle of water that she'd steadily taken sips of throughout today's session, the cool liquid coating her throat as she swallowed it, not helping to soothe the warming sensation she had felt starting in her body when her eyes had decided to wander up and down the woman across the room from her, oblivious to the scrutiny she was under from the tall figure in her office.

 

Wandering her gaze over Vera a couple more times, she swallowed lightly before speaking into the silence that hung in the air between them.  
"You...erm..You look nice in your...outfit" came the simple remark, loud enough so that Vera could hear it, Joan watching as the smaller woman ceased her pen on her papers and half turned from her work to look back at her, a shy smile across the psychologists face along with a red tint to her cheeks, yes she'd heard Joan's remark and yes it'd made her feel somewhat shy, shy in a good way though, this shyness Joan had herself seen on Vera's face, she couldn't not see it.  
"Oh..erm..thank..thank you Joan" flashing her a smile that revealed her white teeth and then they disappeared as she lingered looking at Joan for a couple more seconds, Joan giving her a smile back and then Vera turned back to her work, the older woman still able to see the rise in Vera's cheeks to let her know she was still smiling at the compliment as she continued with her work.

 

That's endearing.  
Look at her still smiling.  
Sat smiling to herself at her desk.  
And she flashed me one of those smiles she has.  
A full smile, one showing her straight, white teeth.  
One that reaches her eyes.  
It seems she liked my compliment.  
It made her shy.  
It meant that much and had that much of an effect she went shy.  
Shy right in front of my eyes.  
She didn't give anyone else that smile.  
She gave it to me.  
And she seemed to like my compliment.  
It affected her.  
Affected her in a good way.  
I managed to do that to her.  
Me.

 

Vera's eyes remained on her papers but her head was going over the exchange that had just happened between them, the younger woman liking the fact that Joan had just said that to her, it being the first time the older woman has made such a comment to her and given her any indication that maybe she'd noticed Vera in that way, noticed her so much so that she finds her dress sense nice and she had in fact noticed Vera and how she dresses, maybe also that she finds her a little bit attractive to the extent that she'd taken in upon herself to compliment and make a comment on what outfit she was currently wearing, because she didn't have to say anything to her, yet she did and she returned Vera's smile as she did so, all good signs it seems.  
Little did Vera know that all the time her mind was running over these types of thoughts the woman in said thoughts was still looking over at her, wandering her big brown eyes over her, unable to help herself it seemed since she'd given Vera that compliment, her eyes taking in all the pieces of Vera she'd not been able to simply sit and observe before, here and now allowing her the ideal viewpoint to see her, all of her, in an atmosphere of calm and quiet, the other woman engrossed in her work so that Joan could be afforded this time and opportunity.

 

Could any realm of her like me?  
She liked my compliment but is that it?  
Could a woman like her actually like me?  
Is it possible?  
Is there a chance?  
Is it in the realms of being possible?  
She's made comments on my outfits before.  
Said she liked spending time with me.  
Being in my company.  
Has been kind to me.  
Helps me.  
Shows an interest in me.  
Smiles at me a lot.  
Could it be possible?  
Could she like me in some way?

 

Pulling her car up outside Joan's house with the older woman a passenger and the last appointment of the day, which led her to offer her a lift home to which Joan accepted, she's gotten better at accepting Vera's offers of small things like this, knowing the younger woman wouldn't offer if it was any trouble or she didn't want to, Joan knew this or had come to know this, so she did accept the lift when it was presented to her, they'd become peaceful journeys back to her house now, not the nervous and somewhat awkward ones they'd shared right at the very beginning, one of the first times she'd been offered to be dropped home by the psychologist that night when it was pouring with rain, that seemed like such a long time ago now, it seemed like years even if it was only months.

 

This evening things were slightly different in that Vera ended up getting out of her car and walking up to the front door with Joan, something she'd not done before but found herself doing now, she wasn't quite sure herself why she was doing it, but since she heard no comment or seeming objection from Joan she carried on walking beside her all the way to the door, the taller woman turning around to face Vera at the door, their heights slightly more balanced since Vera had heeled pointed shoes on under her black, flared trousers, she would never be Joan's height but it was definitely an improvement compared to if she had flats on.

 

"Here we are" Joan murmured simply and softly, seeing Vera nod in response and then lean forward to her, her arms opening as if wanting to share a hug with the older woman, seeing her arms Joan leaned into the goodbye embrace, both of them holding their positions for a few seconds before pulling back to part, as this action took place there was a brushing of opposite cheeks, their close proximity to one another and the angle that Vera pulled back from their hug caused the edge of her lips to catch Joan's, the gentle contact of the corners and edges of sensitive skin was enough for both women to feel it and in that moment everything stopped including them.

 

Stopped and looked at each other, caught in the moment, a moment, neither of them speaking or moving, simply looking at each other, gazing, their eyes locked as they stood with only a small gap between them, it was Vera's eyes that widened at what had just happened, the younger woman's eyes and the swallowing of the lump in her throat the only movements that were present in that current atmosphere between them, no words were being spoken from either woman.


	20. Chapter 20

Spooked.  
A rabbit in headlights.  
Sudden realisation.  
Panic.

 

"Sorry....I'm sorry..that...that shouldn't have happened, it wasn't...wasn't what should've been done....I'm so sorry Joan.." her usually calm and steady voice, being replaced by panic, panic about what had just happened, the somewhat intimate exchange they'd just had, panic at what Joan's reaction could be, that it might have somehow caused the older woman to now dislike her and have ruined their relationship and bond, that Joan would now be angry at her and the current situation, just some of the thoughts racing like a formula one race around the younger woman's head.

 

This babbling and obvious distress from the woman in front of her caused Joan to furrow her brow and then relax it a couple of times as Vera spoke, feeling the fear coming off of her in waves, the distress and panic obvious to hear and see, something Joan found herself not liking, especially since it was Vera it was coming from, if it had been someone else, anyone else she probably wouldn't have been bothered, but something about it being Vera made it different, it made something inside Joan want to help her, to comfort her, to reassure her, things she can't say she'd wanted to do to another human being before, let alone another woman, a younger woman, this younger woman. Team this with the fact that she couldn't come out and say that she didn't totally dislike the feeling of Vera's lips catching the edge of hers, if anything she liked how they felt, the softness and gentleness of the touch of such an action.

 

With the memory of what Vera had done to help calm her down in the past, Joan gathered herself and her thoughts before she took hold of Vera hands in her own, brushing her thumbs gently over Vera's knuckles, not quite sure if this was the right thing to do or if it'd even help but she wanted to at least try to do something.  
Eyes down on their hands that now were together, Vera was silent as she simply watched her hands in Joan's and Joan's thumbs across her knuckles a few times before they ceased their movements, this seemingly becoming Vera's cue to slowly raise her head from where it was to look up at the woman who was currently holding her hands, silently she caught Joan's eyes and wandered her eyes over the older woman's face, taking in her expression, working out what it meant.

 

Well she's not frowning.  
She doesn't look angry.  
Doesn't look annoyed.  
Or horrified.  
She's calm.  
Her stance is calm.  
And she's holding my hands.  
Just like I did with her when she was upset.  
I held her hands to try and help her calm down.  
She remembered what I've done and now she's trying it with me.  
She's trying to help me calm down.  
She's helping me.  
I thought she might have run.  
May have shouted.  
Possibly kicked off in some way towards me, but she hasn't.  
She's done the opposite.  
She's stayed.  
Stayed and held my hands.

 

"There's...You..." Joan cleared her throat and paused before attempting to speak again and vocalise what she was trying to say to Vera. "You don't have to apologise, because I don't feel....I don't feel you've done anything wrong. It erm...it didn't feel...unpleasant" her voice quiet and a little faltering, but loud and steady enough for Vera to hear and the message to get across to the younger woman, it seemed the security she'd gradually been feeling at being around Vera was allowing her to exercise her muscle in self expression, something that she'd not been able to do before, no one giving her that level of security teamed with emotional freedom before.

 

Freeing her hands from Joan's, Vera silently closed the gap and wrapped her arms around Joan's body in a hug, her head resting on the older woman's collar bone, as she did so she felt the light touch of Joan's arms around her after a few seconds, Vera then keeping her arms loosely around the other woman so she was able to have the room to look up at Joan, Joan herself glancing down to the younger woman, call it a magnetic force of some kind between them that caused both women to end up bringing their foreheads together and rest soft skin against soft skin, eyes locked together in an intimate gesture, the most intimate and close they'd been since their paths in life had crossed, soul looking at soul in the quiet of Joan's house.

 

Eyes closed at the same time before they then opened and connected together again, it seemed somehow that their lips in the time that they'd closed and reopened their eyes had gotten that little bit closer together, that close they were almost within touching distance, no words, not a single one was spoken or exchanged between either woman as the gap got that bit smaller, as if one of them was one side of a magnet and the other was the other side, both pulling the other towards them, slow motion and time standing still as their lips met, not bruising, not hard, not with force but with a tender brushing and coming together, the contact subtle, but with all the tenderness and meaning that could never have been conveyed had the contact been harder and more forceful, an intimate contact that seemed so apt for the moment and both women themselves, neither of them pulling back, no tension, no hesitation, both of them in that moment going with their hearts and nothing else, it was like they were in their very own bubble, a bubble where nothing and no one else in the world mattered, that they wanted and were destined in that exact moment to have that close and intimate contact and to share the most tender of kisses, a kiss between both of them, a kiss just right between both of them, because they could and because their hearts wanted to even if they didn't vocalise these exact words to each other, their actions said all they wanted to say and communicate in that exact moment.


	21. Chapter 21

Kissing Joan.  
Kissing Joan Ferguson.  
Joan who is one of my clients.  
One. Of. My Clients.  
But she's also my friend.  
Well not just my friend.  
Or I feel more for her than a friend would.  
Feel more than I thought I ever would.  
I didn't expect this.  
Didn't expect any of it.  
But I don't regret it.  
I don't because I can't help it.  
I can't help what I'm feeling for her.  
I just can't.

 

The day had been lighter for her in terms of appointments and gave her the chance to leave early in the afternoon, getting in her car she headed out of the car park of the private hospital and drove for a little while, finding herself pulling up of a familiar address and property.  
Joan's house.

 

It seemed her brain had a built in sat nav for Joan's house now, a default setting for heading here when she'd gotten in the car less than an hour ago, glancing out of the front passenger window and to the front window of the house, the blinds were open partly, privacy for Joan of course, maybe the older woman wasn't even in, she could be anywhere doing anything, also if she was in who is to say she'd want Vera's company, she might not want it at all, she might want to be alone.  
Turning to her phone that was resting in the centre console of her car, she picked it up and unlocked it, at first she hovered over Joan's number and then switched to start to type a message to her but before she'd typed a single letter she had second thoughts, sighing to herself at being unsure of whether Joan would actually like her or any company she put her phone back into the centre console and gripped the steering wheel again to begin to drive away, her left hand on the hand brake, when a tap on her driver's window stopped her and caused her to release her left hand before she'd had a chance to do anything with the hand brake, her attention turning to the noise and what had caused the noise on her window, her frown softening as she saw the cause, Joan. 

 

Seeing the other woman on the other side of the window she opened her window feeling somewhat sheepish and shy at being 'caught' sat outside the older woman's house by the woman in question herself.  
"Joan...I'm sorry" she mumbled softly.  
Joan's brow furrowed softly at the apology.  
"What are you apologising for?".  
"Well for sitting outside your house for one, I ended up driving straight here after I finished work earlier today, I was thinking of coming to see you or something, but when I got here I wasn't sure if I'd be wanted or if I'd be intruding on you and I wouldn't want to do that".

 

She's concerned about my opinion.  
My opinion of her.  
Of her and what she's done.  
She's sat outside here because she wanted to see me.  
She actually came to see me.  
No arrangements made but she wanted to come.  
No one has ever wanted to come and see me.  
Not a single person.  
She's the first.  
The first person.

 

Joan wandered her eyes over the smaller woman sat in the driver's seat, taking in the face of Vera, seeing her blue eyes still unsure of the fact that she was sat outside Joan's house.  
"Would you like to come in?" came the smoothly delivered question from Joan to Vera, her brown eyes not moving as she asked it.  
"I don't want to intrude or disturb you" she gave back to Joan's question, not quite sure if Joan was asking out of politeness or because she did want Vera there.  
The older woman shook her head sensing Vera being unsure.  
"You wouldn't be, I'd....I'd like you to come in" this being her version of an olive branch to the younger woman, whilst she wasn't the best at vocalising this kind of thing, this was Joan attempting to help Vera understand that she did in fact want her to come into her home.

 

With the afternoon being a nice sunny one, both women went to sit outside in Joan's back garden, carrying two cold drinks out to where Vera was sat on the plush garden sofa, Joan put them on the outside, glass topped table and then took the space next to Vera, a silence descending over them both at the close contact they were both in again.  
"W...What happened the other day....the...the kiss we shared..." the word 'kiss' making Joan lock her eyes on the woman next to her, Vera clasping her hands together on feeling Joan's eyes on her as she spoke. "If...If you didn't like it, if it was too forward, I...I'm so sorry...it was my fault, all my fault.." her mind even now thinking that maybe Joan didn't like it and didn't want it, the fact she was Joan's psychologist weighing in her mind too, after all Joan hadn't dismissed the fact she hadn't like it, she'd not said those words even after it'd happened, so maybe she'd not liked it, even though she'd not pulled away at the contact or the kiss itself, it seemed Vera's mind right at that moment was whirring at top speed at the very thought that a line had been overstepped and the woman it'd happened with hadn't actually liked it.  
Silently shaking her head, Joan said nothing at first but simply placed her hand over Vera's clasped hands, patting gently before she stilled her larger hand there, her attempt at some physical comfort to Vera.  
"I...I did like it" came the softly spoken answer, her honesty surprising herself and Vera too it seemed who looked straight at her at the answer she'd just heard from her.  
Taking a sip from her glass of fruit juice that Joan had brought out with her, Vera replaced the glass before speaking.  
"Did I just hear you right, did you just say that you liked it?" her ears not quite believing that they'd just heard Joan say those words, so thinking that she should double check so she had no chance of making any more of a fool of herself after being caught by Joan sat outside her house, this question being greeted by Joan nodding her head in confirmation that Vera had actually heard her right the first time.

 

There you go Vera, swallow that answer.  
You did hear her right the first.  
She said that she liked the kiss that you shared.

 

"I....I...I like you Joan" her eyes flicking to her hands with one of Joan's still over them and then to the woman herself, it seemed at that very moment she couldn't stop herself expressing this feeling to the older woman, but this didn't stop Vera's stomach suddenly doing a few somersaults at not knowing how Joan would react and if she did react how Vera herself would then handle it, call it opening a can of worms with no clue of the immediate consequences.  
Now it seemed it was Joan's turn to not quite believe what she'd heard Vera say, whispering. "Did I just hear you right?" cue Vera nodding to confirm yes she had.

 

She likes me.  
She just said she likes me.  
This younger woman likes me.  
A younger woman who I've been thinking about recently.  
Thinking that she could never like someone like me.  
Could never be attracted to someone like me.  
Someone who has all these flaws.  
Who is damaged goods.  
Too damaged to be worthy.  
She's just said she likes me.  
Likes me.

 

"How can you like me?" almost an instant reaction to the revelation that Vera liked her too, something in her mind trying to work out how Vera could like her, how could someone like Vera like the likes of Joan Ferguson, no one liked Joan Ferguson.  
Vera gave a smile to the question, not expecting anything less in this case, she'd have been surprised had Joan not asked it.  
"Why wouldn't I like you, you're a nice person and an attractive woman, the more time that I get to spend with you and get to know you the more I've found myself liking you, I never expected to feel anything like this and I haven't before, but I don't regret it and I won't and can't deny the fact I like you, neither to myself or you, I said that I'd be honest with you and I meant that, be it good or bad, I always am honest with you" trying to explain why she likes the other woman, but in a way that she felt wouldn't freak out or pressure Joan, simply wanting to be straight up and transparent with her thoughts and feelings towards the older woman.

 

Little red hue on her cheeks.  
Shy Joan cheeks.  
That's the reaction that these words had on the other woman.  
No one had said anything like this about her before.  
Usually people had rhymed off why they didn't like her.  
Not why they did like her.

 

"I've seen the progress that you've made the past few months and I like seeing this, but I also like the person you are in spite of your flaws, we all have flaws, I've got plenty myself but it's these for me that add to who that person is too" Vera added as she gently took hold of Joan's hands as the older woman was looking at her own hands, not used to this kind of situation at all, the opposite in fact, her mind doing spins at someone being so positive in the way that they were talking about her.  
"No one can like me, I'm not worthy of such things, I don't deserve these kinds of words or..." Joan's sentence being cut short by Vera interrupting her slew of negative thoughts about herself.  
"Of course you're worthy, you're more than worthy Joan, even more so I'd say after all you've been through and endured, you're very worthy of it Joan" one of Vera's hands leaving go of Joan's in order for her to be able to tilt Joan's head up to get their eyes together. "I like you Joan" taking her time in saying the words again, her eyes not moving from the big brown set of Joan's as she said the words in order to convey their meaning to the older woman, she'd said it once but had no problem saying it again if it meant Joan believing it that bit more, her hand still touching Joan's chin.

 

With the earlier words being enforced and repeated, this coupled with Vera's eyes with hers and the younger woman's hand making her look directly at her as she spoke, the sincerity and honesty in her eyes, this softened something in Joan, it gave her a pang of something deep within her, encouraging her to moistened her throat with a couple of swallows in order that she herself could speak, her words making it out of her mouth in something a bit louder than a whisper, a soft tone to her own voice.  
"I..I...I like you too" this admission causing a smile to creep and then spread across Vera's face, she couldn't help herself right then and there, how could she with what the woman in front of her had said. Call it a trigger or catalyst, but whatever it was it caused the brown eyes of the woman opposite her to slowly get smaller as she herself returned Vera a knowing smile, a smile that showed it seemed they both were on a level playing field in terms of liking each other, a playing field neither could claim that they'd played on before, but they certainly were firmly on it now.


	22. Chapter 22

Dinner.  
A meal.  
What is it they call it?  
Sharing food with someone.  
Someone cooking for you.  
You being invited around to someone else's home.  
Someone inviting you to their house.  
How do you behave?  
What do you say?  
What are the right things to say?

 

These were just a small number of the thoughts that were occupying the older woman's mind as she walked up to the front door of Vera's home, taking a breath before knocking and then waiting for it to be answered, tightening and then loosening her fists as she waited.

 

"Joan hi" Vera smiled as she opened the door to her guest, unable to resist quickly wandering her eyes over the older woman, the trench coat she wore doing a nice job of nipping her in at her waist and making the most of the tall and strong figure she had, oh yes she had quite the figure, no one could deny this, well not in Vera's eyes at least.  
"Hello" Joan replied simply, moving into the house, she herself looking over the woman who appeared at her side after shutting her front door, her eyes taking in Vera in a ruby red sleeveless dress, the hem coming to stop just at the knee before it flared out at the bottom, her feet wearing peep toed, the heel being a small wedge but not as high as the work shoes she wore so she didn't have as much height this early evening, Joan thinking she looked radiant in her dress.  
"Are you ok?" Vera asked as the older woman simply stood in her hallway, a little nervous fiddle of her hands as she did.

 

Me in someone's house.  
Another woman's house.  
In Vera's house.  
Having dinner.  
Together.  
She actually wants me here?  
Should I be here at all?

 

"I erm...maybe...maybe this...this isn't a good idea, that I should leave" going to turn and head for the door, being stopped by Vera grabbing her hand, this action making Joan look down at the contact.  
"I don't think you should leave, I don't want you to leave, I want you to stay, I'd like it if you stayed. I invited you here because I wanted you here, to spend time with you, please don't go" her eyes verging on pleading with the older woman, wanting her to stay and have dinner with her.  
Listening to Vera speak and then looking down at their hands, she slowly raises her eyes as she hears the other woman.  
"It's ok to be nervous about tonight, about this, if that's what the matter is, because I'm nervous too, but good nerves, excited ones, because I'm getting to spend time with you and cook for you" admitting her own nerves to Joan and hoping this might help the older woman feel less nervous.

 

Hearing Vera admit that she was nervous too seemed to have the desired effect on Joan, feeling like it just wasn't her with the nerves, but Vera felt the same too and understood how she felt.  
With Joan still not answering Vera asked her one more time.  
"Please stay?" she whispered, keeping her hand with Joan's having not let go of it since she had grasped it a few moments ago to stop the other woman walking out.  
Joan's eyes connected with Vera's, looking deeply into them for a few seconds, big brown eyes staring into blue and giving a little nod.  
"I'll stay".

 

With the nice meal eaten and Vera collecting the plates from the table, she looked up as she held them in her hands.  
"Feel free to head to the living room and make yourself at home and comfortable, I won't be long with clearing this up" giving Joan a kind smile, turning around and moving into the kitchen to start the cleaning up, unaware that Joan had started to move towards the living room but paused after a couple of steps, half turning to pause in the kitchen door way and watch the younger woman, the way she moved around her personal space, the way she filled the dishwasher, the fluid way her smaller frame made its way around the room even on her little heels she wore, quite a skill in itself with your hands full of various pieces of china and glasses, with one more glance Joan headed out of the room.

 

A short while later Vera moved into the living room carrying a bottle of fresh wine and a couple of clean, long stemmed wine glasses, pausing to see the older woman glancing around at the room and wondering what she was thinking, that could actually be anyone's guess if truth be told sometimes. Stepping into the room she crossed it and came to sit next to the older woman on the sofa, the bottle and the glasses going onto the coffee table in front of them both.  
"This is nice" Vera remarked softly smiling at Joan, seeing Joan give a little nod back.  
"It is yes" watching the woman next to her wander her eyes over her face, as if Vera was studying her face and features somehow, this being quite the foreign concept in itself, people didn't look at Joan Ferguson and definitely not like this, ignore her yes, scowl at her, definitely, give her dirty looks also, but not looking at her with a soft gaze, soft features, and not younger women like Vera Bennett.

 

Look at her.  
Look at how attractive she is.  
Those big brown eyes.  
Handsome yet womanly features.  
Strong frame.  
Strong yet vulnerable.  
Body armour.  
I'm so glad that she stayed and didn't go home.  
I like spending time with her.  
Time like this.  
Just her and I.  
Quality time with her.

 

"You're so attractive" Vera whispered, suddenly becoming shy at her forwardness and thoughts become vocalised to the woman in question, who happened to be sat right next to her.  
As soon as the words hit Joan's ears the blush crept up her cheeks, never expecting she'd hear such words be spoken about her, many other ones she'd heard over the years, but never those and from such an attractive, younger woman such as Vera.  
Saying nothing at first, Joan leaned forward closing more of the small gap between the two women and looked down at her hands as she whispered into the air between them.  
"As are you" peeking up at Vera and then bringing her head nearer to the other woman's as if leaning in for a kiss, but then stopping, being unsure whether this was going to be deemed an acceptable way to behave, the older woman appearing shy and somewhat awkward in what she could and couldn't do, having not been in this kind of position before, it was literally a bit like going in blind and picking things up as she went. 

 

Sensing Joan's hesitation, Vera made things easier by evaporating the remaining gap between them and touching her lips to Joan's, hearing the older woman's breath hitching albeit quietly at their contact, quite liking the fact she could get that reaction out of the other woman with a simple touch of her lips.  
Smaller hands laid over larger clasped hands for another way to be closer to the other woman, almost like the contact of lips wasn't quite enough and Vera needed a little bit of something more, something subtle but meaningful, feeling that holding Joan's hands or at least putting hers on the older woman's was this contact she wanted, grateful that the older woman seemed to like it too.

 

As they kissed Vera slowly moved her hands from on top of Joan's and then gently placed them on either one of her hips over the loose fitting, white blouse she was wearing that hugged her figure in all the right places, as did the black trousers she had on, people obviously were blind if they couldn't see how attractive a woman she was, Joan Ferguson was beautiful and she was in Vera Bennett's living room right at this very moment. Unable to help herself Vera edged that little bit closer, as close as she could get without being sat on the older woman's knee, staying in her new position, her hands still on Joan's hips as they parted from the kiss, Joan well aware of Vera's touch, saying nothing as she hesitantly and a little awkwardly put her arms around the younger woman, after a few seconds gently bringing Vera into her, and Vera didn't need any more encouragement as she cuddled into Joan, now fully wrapping her arms around the strong waist of the dark haired woman, feeling Joan laying back into the sofa and bringing her with her.

 

After few moments of them sitting together as they were, Joan felt the corners of her lips curve into a little smile, a little smile at feeling the woman in her arms snuggle that bit closer, if that was even a possibility, this followed by her feeling Vera relaxing even more in her embrace, it seemed that she liked being held and more specifically being held by Joan.  
"This is nice" Vera murmured softly after a few minutes of silence, wanting to express how she felt as well as trying to gauge Joan's reaction and feelings at how they were being at this moment.  
Joan nodded at Vera's comment, feeling herself also start to relax that bit more as she felt herself feeling like she was getting this 'right' in terms of being here with Vera and holding her like this.  
"I've never...never done things like this...before" she whispered into the room, meaning holding someone and have them hold her, it being a bit new to her what the both of them were doing at the moment.  
Vera listened as Joan spoke, wanting to see if she'd say anymore about it.  
"People....people haven't wanted to hold me or have me hold them, didn't want me near them or they be near me" she added, feeling Vera squeeze her gently in support.  
"Well...to me that is their loss, because by being like that they've ensured that they've not had you hold them just like you're holding me now, and I'm the fortunate one to be able to experience just how well you hold me and how safe I feel" Vera whispered reassuringly back, snuggling into Joan that bit more, feeling herself hurt for Joan in what lies she'd been told by people in her past, how she's been conditioned to think that she's not good enough or that that physical contact is somehow not for her, or she's not able or capable to offer it to other people, when in fact she's more than capable and gives it very well under the right circumstances with people who understand her, people like Vera.

 

Listening to Vera speak and the comforting words she was saying, Joan slowly closed her eyes, allowing herself to take on board the sentiment of the other woman's words, keeping her arms around Vera and squeeze the smaller frame that she was currently holding, almost as if she wanted to keep the physical contact and weight of Vera on and against her and by squeezing the younger woman then she wouldn't go anywhere, unbeknownst to Joan, Vera had no intentions of going anywhere, not if these are the kind of hugs and embraces that were being offered by the other woman, she'd take this kind of closeness and simple physical contact with Joan Ferguson over anything any other woman in the entire world could ever offer her, every single time.


	23. Chapter 23

Nutrition.  
Making sure she ate properly.  
Ate well.  
And especially before a session.  
She knew she had too, but Vera when she'd first started attending their sessions had spoken to and asked her about this.  
About her eating.

 

Obviously having spent so much time in Wentworth as a prisoner the food wasn't exactly what Joan would call nutritional or filling, so she'd picked at things, not sure at the beginning if anything had been hidden in it or added to it, anything dangerous or life threatening, after all that's what some of the other women prisoners wanted.

 

They wanted her dead.  
Gone.  
Wanted her life extinguished.  
And her meals would be an easy target, good cover when serving everyone else.  
Luckily, somehow she'd not been a victim via food.  
God knows how, but she was glad it'd not happened.

 

Standing at the sink after eating her sandwich, her hands suddenly stopped before they plunged into the warm and soapy water that her plate had just gone into.

 

Stopped because of the radio.  
The song that had just come on.  
That song.  
That ominous one.  
Mozart.  
Mozart's K626 Requiem in D Minor.

 

Barely any notes had been played before she was reaching out and quickly turning the radio off, the kitchen descending into silence, the older woman looking at the radio and then around her space, her hands balling up and her nails digging into her palms, the sensation of the wincing pain causing her nostrils to flare widely, big brown eyes slowly closing to try and shut out some of the pain quite literally, somehow being able to detect a hint of the sterile environment of the psychiatric facility, it was like she was still there, it was that much of the same smell she could've sworn she was stood there in that horrific place.

 

Opening her eyes quickly she took a couple of quick breaths on seeing that she was still stood in her own kitchen, her chest hurting with the tension that she'd held while stood there not daring to breathe and or open her eyes for fear of what that smell meant, even though somewhere in her psyche in that moment something told her she was safe at home, but a little niggling thought took her back to that place, that horrible place, that alternative prison she was held in before being transferred to Wentworth, not knowing which of the two were worse.

 

At her session she moved into the room after knocking on the door with that familiar name plaque on it, the name she'd been thinking of quite a lot recently, not to mention spending time with, when did that happen and happen to Joan Ferguson.  
After letting Joan know she could come in, Vera smiled at the older woman, then a light frown spread over her brows as she saw that Joan didn't smile back at her and barely acknowledged her at all, simply closing the door behind herself and taking her usual spot in her usual chair in Vera's office.  
"Are you ok Joan?" Vera asked as she took her place across from the older woman, looking across to her as she did so.  
"Yes, I'm fine" was the blunt and quick answer, Joan's tone and deliverance of the words not really convincing Vera that she actually was fine, the opposite in fact, the amount of times that Vera had known and spent with Joan she knew if the other woman was trying to brush off the fact she was ok when she wasn't, trying not to draw attention to this fact but in fact she did the opposite, just like in Vera's office.

 

Starting the session and not far into it, Vera could tell that the other woman wasn't fully engaged, she seemed to be preoccupied with other thoughts, her mind seemingly more focused on whatever was on her mind than the current task in hand in the office.  
"Joan.." she started softly. "What's the matter, I only ask because you don't seem as engaged as you usually are and I feel like there's something causing this, and I'm just concerned if you're ok" wanting to convey to Joan her concern and wanting to help the older woman if she could, not liking the thought of Joan being unhappy, she'd had enough unhappiness.

 

Then the turn.  
The reaction.  
And what a reaction.

 

"I'm fine, fine, fine, fine! How many more fucking times?!" came the sudden and irate response, the nature of which caught Vera off guard, causing her to jump due to not expecting it, her eyes locked on Joan as the older woman seemed to explode in front of her eyes. "You people don't seem to listen, you do as you please don't you, maybe it's because there's lots of your profession out there that aren't nice, that just fucking take what they want from who they want, they don't give a shit!" this outburst confusing Vera initially, the younger woman trying to listen and work out what the other woman could be talking about, especially as this was an unexpected tirade of verbal abuse, unsure of its context.

 

Got to think on your feet here Vera.  
How to approach her?  
If to approach her?  
And if so what to say.  
What's the reason behind this.  
Is there a hidden meaning in her words.  
A trigger for what she's saying.  
Especially given the actual words she's said and the anger in them.  
Anger and upset?  
Hurt?  
Pain?

 

So she tried again, carefully, almost like approaching a deadly snake that was ready to strike, it seemed fitting given Joan seemed ready to strike anyone verbally right about now.  
"What's caused you to feel this way Joan, something or someone clearly has, something has really caused you pain and hurt, anger too. I'd like to help you if I can, has someone done something to you, have they hurt you in some way?" choosing her words carefully and trying to take into account the fact that Joan had made the comment about people in Vera's profession, some of them not being nice and taking what they want, all the time she was talking to Joan, she could feel and see the older woman's hurt and anger bubbling, being able to tell she was upset, but not sure what she was upset about.

 

Hurt.  
That word.  
A word that had been heard and used rather a lot.  
A word that ironically caused pain.  
Was somehow a trigger for pain.  
For her pain.  
Vera's use of this word seem to tip her over.  
Tip her over the edge.

 

With brown eyes widening she reacted, reacted in the form of hands shaking, one of these hands, her right hand swiping the capped water bottle onto the carpeted office floor in one fail swoop, she fully connected with the bottle and Vera thanked god that it was plastic and therefore wouldn't caused Joan an injury as opposed to had it been glass.  
She stood up and then sat down as she felt her legs now start to shake, her mouth opening and then closing a couple of times, silent tears started their journey down her cheeks, but she still didn't speak, it's like her voice had vanished and been replaced by silence, this image causing Vera herself to ball her own fists as she resisted the temptation to jump up and put her arms around Joan yet, the older woman needed to speak, get something off her chest and if Vera moved she felt she'd prevent this and that's not what Joan needed right now, after maybe but not right this second.

 

"He....I...He...forced...himself...on...me" she stuttered out, the words seeming to nearly choke her as she said them, said them for the first time to anyone. "That enough for you" as she reconnected her eyes with Vera's for a couple of seconds, and then attempted to get up from her chair again, but it seemed the weight of what she'd just said gave her body other ideas, ideas that meant what she'd just vocalise to Vera caused this usually outwardly strong woman to collapse to the carpet on her knees, this giving Vera all she needed to see to make the instant decision to put her arms tight around the other woman and hold her close, feeling her own heart break as her office was filled with a painful wail from Joan, a wail filled with pain and hurt, one that came from her soul, her damaged soul, damaged by numerous horrors and nasty people, people who had all played their parts in how much Joan had suffered and become the woman who had the wounds she had, and was trying to heal from right now.

 

Becoming aware of Joan sobbing into her and physically shaking, and then a hand of the older woman fisting her blouse, it appeared that the older woman was trying to find some physical grounding for herself, some purchase she could hold onto in her distressed state and it seemed Vera and her blouse were the chosen things. Feeling her blouse being fisted, Vera very gently took a soothing hand up and down Joan's back, wanting to do and try anything she could in that moment and moments to help Joan.  
Taking up what had now become their positions on the floor of the office, Vera couldn't help but close her own eyes as she held Joan against her, the emotional wave of what had just been revealed to her by the other woman hitting her.

 

Hitting her like a ten ton truck, the pain of Joan, the hurt of Joan, all that Joan must have been through and still going through at the hands of that man, having previously read Joan's file, read it a few times due to taking Joan on as her client, she didn't class Joan as a patient, but a client, she'd read the reports and file that he'd made on the older woman a few times, the treatment he'd given her, the therapy that they'd engaged her in or tried to, who'd have thought what he'd done to this poor woman, the advantage he'd taken of her, the vulnerable position of her that he'd exploited, as well as the swirling sad emotions Vera felt, she also felt a wave of anger, of wanting to protect Joan both physically and emotionally, anything to protect the woman in her arms, protection it seems that the older woman hadn't had much if any of in his life, hence the person she'd turned into her.  
With these thoughts in her head, Vera tightened her grip that bit more around Joan as she heard the older woman's cries continuing but didn't seem as severe as they had at the beginning, that was something then.

 

"I'm here Joan, I'm right here Joan" she whispered, stilling her hand up and down Joan's back and instead choosing to start very slightly rocking the other woman instead and see if that also helped in soothing and comforting her, she'd try anything to help her. "I'm not going anywhere I promise".

 

Feeling her chest tighten up again, Joan took a deep breath, opening her eyes for a brief moment before closing them again, closing them as she cried and then leaned more into the younger woman, allowing herself to physically and emotionally lean on Vera, something that she'd not let herself do before, not let herself do with anyone, because Joan Ferguson didn't do that and people weren't 'safe enough', but here and now, with this woman, this woman who she'd developed a bond and dare she say relationship with, she'd found someone that had earned quite a bit of her trust, had and continued to be patience with her, Vera had become someone she could rely on, that hadn't run away from her despite her faults, her outbursts, her walls, she stayed right there and been rock steady, always willing to help Joan if she needed her and gave her the space if she decided at that time she didn't or wasn't ready for that help, but letting her know she'd be there to give it when needed. Vera had become someone who also continued to offer emotional support and reassurance, two vital things that the older woman had never had from someone else, those corner stones and foundations that people have growing up, Vera had slowly started to allow Joan to gain them, to feel more secure, more stable, knowing that she could reach out and Vera would be there when needed, it seems that Vera had been doing more for Joan than anyone else ever had, it seems the younger woman had slowly but surely helping Joan to heal her heart, something she hadn't thought could ever be a remote possibility, ever. This revelation might be the test of the foundations of the past few months in many ways.


	24. Chapter 24

Pulling up outside Joan's house after Vera had driven the older woman home, they sat there in silence for a good few minutes, Vera unsure whether to break the silence or not, after a few more minutes she decided to take the chance.  
"Are....Are you ok Joan?" came the very gentle question, knowing it was such a silly way to enquire but not really knowing any other way to ask.

 

Saying nothing Joan silently turned her head and looked at Vera, not a word did she say, but she just looked, those big brown eyes staring at Vera, glassy and vulnerable, not an ounce of evil to be seen in them like some people and newspaper reports had said on numerous occasions about her eyes, they were almost talking to Vera, communicating with her or trying too, hoping that Vera would understand their plea.

 

Let's try this again.  
See if I can understand her.  
Understand her needs.  
If my understanding of what she might need is right.  
If I do actually understand her like I think I do.  
Vera gave a little swallow before she tried again.

 

"Would you like some company tonight, so you're not on your own?" looking over Joan's face as she said the words, searching her features, thinking the older woman might not want to be on her own given what happened during the session and what was revealed to Vera.  
"Please" was the barely audible answer from Joan, along with a small nod, it was a good job that Vera was sat next to the older woman otherwise she may not have heard what she said.  
Giving Joan a kind smile in reassurance that she indeed would be company for her, they exit the car and make their way to Joan's house, silence once again coming over them both.

 

Standing on the doormat as she entered the house and Joan shut the door behind them, Vera simply stood and watched, watched as Joan took her shoes off and neatly line them up together, the older woman slowly raised back to being stood up again, Vera thinking about how tired and drained she looks and seems to be in herself.  
"Could I help with anything Joan, making a hot drink or something? Maybe you'd feel a little better in some more comfortable clothes?" she suggested softly, thinking of simple things that might offer some comfort to the older woman, anything to help her feel that little bit comfortable given the circumstances, hoping that it was coming across in the way that she was meaning it.  
Joan looked at her as she spoke and then thought about what Vera had said to her for a few moments, glancing away and then looking back to the younger woman, opening her mouth to speak, it being closed again and then opened as she spoke quietly and albeit wearily.  
"I'd....I'd like a drink yes and..." softly frowning at herself at what she wanted to ask, her voice dropping to a whisper as she continued. "I'd like to lay on the sofa..but...but not alone" her eyes seeming to take on another layer of vulnerability, an almost childlike quality as she put forth her request, a request she'd never put to another human being before in her life.

 

Well that speaks volumes but in few words, I understand what she's trying to say, trying to ask for.  
Of course I myself am not going anywhere.  
Not if she doesn't want me to.

 

"That's not a problem at all Joan" giving the older woman a kind and understanding smile, this reassurance causing Joan to give a little nod in her acknowledgement, before she turned and then made her way upstairs, whilst Vera moved into the kitchen to start making them both drink.  
Standing next to the work surface as she filled the kettle and turned it on after hearing the door close upstairs, Vera leaned forward with her hands on the cool work top, closing her eyes as she did so, taking a deep breath and allowing herself to take a moment, a moment in the quiet, swallowing the lump in her throat, the lump of upset for Joan, at seeing how upset and vulnerable the older woman was and is at the current moment, someone else having caused Joan this pain, pain and distress she didn't deserve.

 

Of course people do bad things and make mistakes, everyone in life did this, but that was no way an excuse for what he did to her, that damage and emotional injury that he'd purposely inflicted onto her for his own sexual gratification, bastard, actual evil bastard.  
Come on Vera, get it together she'll be coming down again soon.  
Got to gather yourself.  
Keep it together.  
Joan needs you to be strong, right now more than ever at the moment.

 

Forcing herself to swallow harder at the lump in her throat, preventing herself from totally breaking down then and there, Vera composed herself and tried to distract her mind by focusing herself on the task in hand, making Joan and herself some drinks.  
Having changed into her loose fitting jogging bottoms and a long sleeved top, Joan made her way downstairs and then padded slowly into the kitchen, slowing down that bit more when she saw Vera making the drinks. Heading over to her in silence, Joan simply stood near her, a little gap in between them both and watched, watched what the younger woman was doing, how she was finishing making the drinks, how her hands moved and her blue eyes focused on the task in hand, then seeing said woman turn and look up at her, giving Joan a little smile, a smile that showed nothing but kindness and softness.  
Joan fidgeted with her fingers as she stood there in silence, saying nothing for a few moments, looking at Vera and then glancing away, before looking back at her, almost as if she was trying to gather courage from somewhere in the room, or at least give herself a chance to build a small bit of something to speak to Vera.

 

"Could...Could I trouble you for a...erm...a hug?" came the whisper, a slightly stuttered one at that, the stutter being Joan's brain nearly preventing her from asking for the thing she wanted then and there, but the current vulnerable and drained state she found herself in had lessened her energy in being able to suppress this kind of thing she felt she wanted and more so needed.

 

There was something about the physical contact from Vera, it was...different.  
Not usually one at all for anyone being near her let alone touching her, it seemed the younger woman did something different, something better.  
It soothed Joan.  
Comforted her.  
She liked it.  
Had felt herself getting used to it.  
Liking it.  
Feeling like she wanted it.  
And this for her was very different.  
Joan Ferguson never wanted someone touching her, like ever.  
But with Vera.  
With this younger woman she did.  
It felt nice when Vera held her.  
It felt soothing.  
Safe.  
Comforting.  
And these are things that she needed to feel right in this moment.

 

"Of course you can" came the reassuring answer of Vera, the younger woman stepping into the space between them, her arms opening as she did so, inviting Joan to come into them, which the older woman did, leaning down and burrowing her face into Vera's neck, her arms going around the younger woman as she felt Vera's arms around her own torso, holding her close. "And just for the record, this is no trouble, no trouble at all" Vera whispered gently, hugging Joan wasn't any trouble, the opposite in fact, she loved holding her, feeling her close and wanted Joan to know this.  
"Maybe moving to the sofa would be a good idea, in the sense of it being more comfortable for you and I could hold on there, I'll bring the drinks over too?" Vera suggested, thinking it'd be a more restful place for Joan and if she was to fall asleep or wanted to then she could. 

 

After a few moments of hearing the suggestion Joan nodded on Vera's shoulder, before parting from the younger woman and padding over to her sofa, leaving Vera to make their drinks as she sat down. When both women were seated they each took a couple of sips from their mugs and then Joan glanced to Vera again, her big brown eyes sparkling at the smaller woman, this look was all Vera needed to open her arms once again, silently inviting Joan into her, which Joan did straightaway, cuddling into Vera, her head coming to rest on her shoulder, allowing herself to close her eyes as she settled against her.  
"Are you comfortable like this Joan?".  
"Yes" Joan whispered back, not seeing a little smile come over Vera's face at her answer, unable to help herself smile when she knew Joan felt comfortable and good being close to her like her and her with her arms around Joan.

 

With Joan settled and quiet against her, Vera gently starts to stroke the older woman's hair, as well as placing a gentle kiss on her hair, before resuming stroking her hair again, guiding her fingers carefully and soothingly through the dark locks, she had such soft and luscious hair, and getting to put her fingers through it was wonderful.

 

A comfortable and calm silence then descended on the living room, no music, or background noise, just silence, a nice silence, it was a settled silence, not awkward in the slightest. Vera continued stroking her fingers through Joan's hair and then when some time had passed she looked down at the woman in her arms, the woman who was now fast asleep, fast asleep curled into Vera, her head resting against her shoulder still, it seemed that because Vera was sat back more into the sofa and not as upright as if she'd have been sitting on her own or on the edge of said sofa, this position had allowed for Joan to be as comfortable as she was in every way, so much so that being curled into the other woman and held by her had relaxed her to the point of her falling asleep, her breathing slow and steady, not an ounce of stress or tension on her face, all that from before had disappeared with sleep.

 

She couldn't help but watch her as she slept, how could she, just look at how peaceful and beautiful she was, Joan was gorgeous and she was asleep in Vera's arms, the younger woman couldn't not watch this, to take the time to admire her. Giving this vision a few more minutes, she then gently touched her lips to Joan's forehead in a gentle kiss, loving the feel of her soft skin under her lips, it was like silk, so so soft.  
Vera then whispered tenderly.

 

"I'll look after you Joan, I want to look after you, no one will hurt you whilst I'm here, I'll protect you. You mean so much to me and are so precious to me, you don't quite know how precious and special you are. Getting to hold you is one of my favourite things in the world, and knowing that you like and want me to hold you too is even better. I'll hold you as many times as you want, for as long as you want and need, I'll hold you forever if you want me too. I'm here Joan, I'm here and everything will be ok, you're not alone anymore, you've got me, you've got me" placing another loving kiss on the older woman's forehead and then wandered her eyes over Joan's face again, watching her sleep.


	25. Chapter 25

With Joan tucked up under the throw and fast asleep on the sofa, Vera gently moved from her position on the sofa next to Joan, being as careful as she could so she didn't disturb or wake Joan, knowing that the older woman needed the sleep, she was clearly emotionally exhausted.  


Having safely exited the sofa and left Joan sleeping peacefully there, Vera padded her way through the softly lit kitchen and towards the sliding patio doors, gently opening them she stepped outside barefooted onto the decking and then over to the grass into the cool night air, the feel of it hitting her bare forearms seen as she was just in her short sleeved blouse and suit trousers, making the hair stand up on end and causing her to rub her arms.

 

This is what happened when she couldn't sleep, she'd tried but then woken up again and after laying there decided to come out into the fresh air to see if it'd help her go back to sleep.  
It wasn't really surprising that she couldn't sleep, her mind was filled with all manner of thoughts of what Joan had gone through, what she'd been going through, the things that she'd told Vera, how the older woman had suffered. Wiping a couple of tears from her eyes, she glanced back into the house and looked through the furniture to see a glimpse of the sleeping older woman, knowing how peaceful Joan looked before she'd come out here, the difference in her expression in sleep compared to how it'd been before, how upset, tense, tired.

 

Turning back into the garden, Vera closed her eyes and let out a sob, albeit a stifled one as she placed her hand over her mouth so it wasn't too loud, but she needed that release, to let out some of the emotion of the past few hours, and this seemed like the ideal place and time to do that, Joan was safe inside and sleeping, so this was then her turn to do just that.  
Letting out another stifled sob and allowing herself to cry for a short while, she let the tears run down her cheeks, not attempting to hide them, to stop them, she let them flow, she'd stifled and stopped her emotion in the kitchen earlier that previous night because it wasn't a good time, Joan needed her and needed her to be strong, but this time, in this place it was ok for her to have her time, to let her feelings and emotions out, it was healthy, Vera of all people knew this.

 

I'm reacting to her pain like this.  
Reacting to how she's been treated and suffered like this.  
Things that haven't even happened to me.  
To someone not related to me.  
But that doesn't seem to matter.  
The pure fact that its Joan has caused this.  
Yes I would have sympathy and pity for other people, of course I would.  
But this.  
Her.  
It's different.  
Different because it's her.  
And I can't deny that these past few weeks I've felt my feelings change.  
They've changed for her.  
But not in a negative way.  
They've changed in the fact that I've felt them getting stronger.  
And being near her makes me aware of how they've developed and gotten stronger.  
I've realised how they've grown and continued to grow for her.  
Or when I've not seen her for a few days and in between sessions I've found myself missing her and wanting to see her, wanting to be near her, to hear her voice.  
I've not experienced this kind of thing before with anyone else in my life, I've missed them to odd time when I've not seen them, but not like I miss her, the feeling in my stomach of missing her, wanting to see her.  
She's the first.  
The first to make me feel this way, and I don't believe that anyone else could do it like she does, have the effect on me like she does.

 

With a few more tears escaping her eyes, she then took a couple of deep breaths, wanting to calm herself down, after her breathing had returned to a more even level, she turned back around and made her way back inside the house, gently and quietly closing the sliding door and locking it.  
Silently padding back across the kitchen and dining area, she paused as she reached the living room, choosing to perch on the chair next to the sofa that Joan was asleep on, her hands resting on her thighs as she watched the older woman, watched her sleeping, Joan having not moved from the position she'd been in as Vera had made her way outside.  
Slowly leaning forward towards Joan, she placed a soft kiss on the top of the other woman's head, before pulling back and looking at her again.

 

Look at her.  
Look at how peaceful she looks.  
How can people say she's evil.  
They've never seen her like this.  
How she sleeps just like a baby.  
The side of her no one has seen.  
A side people assume she doesn't have.  
They don't know, they just assume.  
But I see it.  
I see her like this.  
Vulnerable Joan.  
The real Joan.  
Beautiful Joan.  
I want to see her like this more often.  
To be able to see her sleep.  
To be near her like this.  
In this domestic setting.  
Just the two of us.  
I want to do this more.  
I've imagined it.  
Imagined us as a couple.  
Imagined it a few times.  
About getting that chance.  
A chance I'd take with both hands.  
Take it and never let it go.  
Never let her go.  
I'd do whatever to make her happy.  
Because she makes me happy.  
I've never known a feeling of happiness like the one I feel with her and I'd like the chance to make her happy.  
To be with her, properly.  
But I also understand that it's not just up to me.  
It's up to her too.  
If she'd like something like this.  
If she'd like to be with me.  
I'd like to think that she would.  
I'd like this more than anything.  
Anything in the world.

 

Carefully she rose from the chair and stepped towards the sofa, taking a moment and then managing to lay down on the sofa next to Joan, under the throw, Vera being small enough to get into the gap that was vacant on the edge of the sofa, this gap then getting bigger and more comfortable as Joan shifted in her sleep and moved back making more room for the younger woman, thank god Joan had a big sofa and a comfy one, otherwise Vera could very well now be on the floor. Taking the chance as Joan shuffled back, Vera moved further onto the sofa and laid on her back, being pleasantly surprised as she felt a weight on her, the weight of Joan. The older woman coming to settle and rest half of her body on the younger woman, snuggling into her as she did so, Vera smiling as she heard Joan snuffle and then her breathing even back out again, her head seemingly quite comfortable on Vera's shoulder, Vera unable to help but slip an arm around Joan and snuggle that bit closer with her, it was times like this that Vera did take her chances, her chances to be as close as she could with Joan, the environment one of peace and calm for them both, and unconsciously in her sleep it was like the older woman knew Vera was there and wanted to cuddle close with her, lay with her, lay on her, so she did, a feeling the smaller woman had no objections to, no objections at all.

 

The warm comfort of Joan's body against hers as they led under the throw together, Joan fast asleep, caused Vera to place another tender kiss on the other woman's forehead, gently resting her head against Joan's and closing her eyes, joining her in peaceful sleep.


	26. Chapter 26

"That look" Georgia said a couple of days later as both women sat in her office at work talking at the end of the day over a coffee, they'd for once both finished seeing patients a couple of hours after dinner, so had taken the chance to catch up with one another.  
"What look?" Vera questioned, bouncing the question back to her friend.  
"Oh come off it Vee you know what look I mean, the dreamy kind of look you've got over your face, I know that look from you and what it means, it's a new one for you, I've not seen you wear it before" it was plastered over her friends face, maybe others at work hadn't noticed it but Georgia had, she couldn't help but notice it.  
"I don't know what you mean".  
"You're not a good liar either, definitely not to me. Is a certain woman responsible for this look you're wearing, a certain older woman by any chance?" well Vera if you're going to try and brush it off I'll just go straight to the heart of what I think this is all about.

 

This mere mention towards Joan caused Vera's cheek to flush a little, dipping her head briefly as she gathered herself at her friends questions, this gesture seemed to satisfy Georgia for an answer.

 

"That gives me my answer, yes it is about her, it's about Joan, all this is down to Joan" Georgia added, by this time Vera had raised her head to meet her gaze again, she couldn't get anything past her friend, her close friend, someone who knew her well. "Do you have feelings for her Vee?" well if she was going to ask, she was going to get straight to the point.

 

A few minutes pause followed between them.

 

"Y...Yes, I didn't expect to, didn't expect to at all of course I didn't, but it seems that they've developed, and before you say anything about it being just because I've been helping her and she's my client, it's not, it's gone beyond that, and I myself know that it's not those kinds of feelings, I just can't help them. I've seen her Georgie, the 'real' Joan, the side other people haven't seen. I do like her...a lot, and she herself has admitted that she likes me in this way too. If I'm being totally honest, would I like to get the chance to see where we could go together, to be given a chance to be with her, then I'd say yes, yes I would because...because I've never felt this way about someone before" feeling a little relief at getting that truth off her chest, something she'd not expressed to anyone about the older woman before.  
Georgia looked at her friend as she spoke and then took in what Vera had just revealed to her about Joan and how she felt about her.  
"Is this wise, getting involved with someone, someone like Joan Ferguson, isn't it too big of a gamble?" the concern for her friend coming through, it was one thing to get involved with a patient, a client, but this someone was somewhat different, this was Joan, Joan Ferguson, THE Joan Ferguson!

 

Vera gave a little sigh, a sigh because she knew what Georgia was saying and that she only had her best interests at heart, it was probably a sigh at herself too, she didn't expect any of this at all, it was the last thing she'd expected. When she first took on Joan and her case, she just had helping the woman in her mind, someone everyone else had given up on and couldn't be bothered to help, so she did. But then over time things had changed, developed, she'd started seeing bits of the 'real' Joan poking through, chinks in her armour, the older woman becoming that bit more vulnerable with her, offering more honesty to Vera, letting Vera see her, trusting Vera with things, reaching out for her help, something she'd never done with another person in her life before, Vera being the first one that she'd trusted enough to even contemplate this kind of thing with. And yes it had surprised her with her attraction with Joan, but then again not really, because she knew what Joan was like behind the armour, she was a sensitive, gentle, caring, vulnerable woman, no hint of the monster that strangers claimed her to be, Joan Ferguson was no monster, not at all.

 

Pushing it away and not feeling it she'd tried, all in vain, because it couldn't be stopped or pushed away, her feelings for Joan were here to stay, they couldn't be fought, believe her she'd tried, she'd tried a lot, but they weren't going anywhere, made that little bit stronger and given a bit more stability by the fact that Joan felt things for her too, she admitted she liked her and that more than anything made it feel more right than wrong. She had to be honest with Georgia, she couldn't lie to her and she wouldn't, Georgia was a good friend to her and was important in her life, she'd not lie or deceive her, even if it meant admitting or talking about things that were uncomfortable and not ideal under the circumstances, she'd too much respect for Georgia. 

 

"Am I mad feeling like this and wanting to do this?" Vera asked, raising her eyebrows at the question, she was reaching out for Georgia's advice and input again, not wanting to feel like she was doing this alone, she'd like her friends support.

 

Georgia looked at Vera's face, her eyes almost with a small plea of help in them, wanting to be told she wasn't completely losing the plot by wanting and finding Joan attractive, Georgia knew she couldn't help it, people didn't choose who they fell for and Vera certainly hadn't chosen to fall for Joan, but she had, she'd gotten close to her and she had developed feelings for her, feelings that she couldn't help, she'd tried but they couldn't be gotten rid of.

 

"No you're not mad, you just like her, a lot and it sounds like she likes you too, even if she rather tentative in expressing them as you do" Georgia reassured, seeing the tension lessen on Vera's face.

 

I've never seen her feel this way for another woman before.  
She's had dates and things over the years but not an attraction like this.  
To sing someone's praises and feel as she does for Joan.  
It's nothing I've ever seen from her.  
And she is the one who has spent a lot of time with her.  
None of us have, it's been all Vee.  
So in that sense if anyone does know Joan rather well and see how she is then it's Vee.  
Lets be honest why wouldn't Joan get to like her, it's not hard to like her.  
She's very good at her job and she's a likeable person, I thought this when I first met her, and all our colleagues and friends think so, it's hardly surprising that Joan likes her too.

 

"I can't begin to say I know Joan because I don't, but...but it does sound like she's making good progress with you, progress any other person in our field thought impossible, hence them not taking her on. She sounds calmer, settled compared to the beginning of her sessions if the reports I saw were anything to go by when they offered her case to me. If she's voiced to you about liking you, then that's a big step for anyone to take, but it seems like a bit of a bigger one for her, given who and how she is from what I know and the impression I get of her from you" Georgia paused for a few seconds, seeing Vera intently listening, adding. "If this is what you really want and who you like as you say you do and I think you do, then...then I'll support you, but please...please be careful, and take it slow".

 

Vera's face erupted into a smile at Georgia's message of support, the tension disappearing from her face, as she launched forward to wrap her friend in a hug, the sudden hug making the other woman laugh.  
"I will be careful, I will, slow is definitely good for the both of us, just letting things go at their own pace. Thank you Georgie, thank you" came Vera's appreciation as she shared a hug with her friend, the support of the other woman meaning a lot to her, especially in matters such as this.


	27. Chapter 27

Chores.  
Chores and classical music.  
One of the best combinations possible.  
Well in Joan's opinion anyway.  
She'd been allowing the music to take her around the house since dinnertime.  
Each room had been given her attention and made spotless.  
Not that her house wasn't spotless anyway.  
But there is always room for improvement isn't there?

 

It seems that the session the day before, the good session that it was had put her in a good mood again today, feeling quite calm and settled as she moved around her kingdom that day.  
Both women had talked in the session the day before, making steps of progress, slow and steady progress as they went.  
The progress allowing Joan to process things that had happened to her, covering a few bases and what's happened to her, touching painful memories and events, pulling back if it became too overwhelming, but discussing things enough to make progress, heal those deep wounds that have needed healing for decades, Vera helping this healing, helping it a lot.

 

Home.  
Such a welcome sight and feeling after a long day at work.  
Something Vera was most grateful for as she stepped into her house, closing the door behind her and taking a deep breath.  
After pausing for a few moments she took off her shoes and coat by the front door, hanging up her handbag and then heading upstairs to change out of her work clothes.  
Making her way back down the stairs in her t shirt and jogging bottoms, she frowned as she heard a knock at the front door, she wasn't expecting anyone, and definitely not this afternoon when she'd got home from work. Still with a soft frown she reached the bottom of the stairs and then across to the door, opening it, the frown vanishing on seeing Joan stood on the other side.  
Vera couldn't help but smile as she saw the older woman, Joan herself looking at Vera as the door revealed her and then shyly down at the floor, silently, suddenly unsure of herself now she was actually here.  
The smaller woman wandered her eyes over the older woman.

 

"Are you alright Joan?" seeing a little nod and then a slight swivel on the spot, Joan beginning to half turn away from her, but Vera reached out to grab her hand to stop her, the sudden gesture stopping Joan immediately. "Here to see me?" as simple a question as it seemed, Vera wanted to make sure of things first.  
Brown eyes moved from the floor to connect with hers at the question.  
"Yes" the soft reply, still with Vera's hand holding onto hers.  
"Come on in then, you're more than welcome" Vera smiled warmly, seeing Joan take her reassurance and step into the house, closing the door behind herself, both women looking at each other as they silently stood in the hallway.

 

Vera's face showed nothing but warmth, a glow of being pleased to see Joan there in her house, not an ounce of not wanting her there at all, the opposite in fact, she looked more than pleased to see her and even Joan felt these vibes from her, she sensed that she wasn't intruding or disturbing at all.  
Something about the younger woman giving these feelings off, plus the feeling of having been in the house before, a sense of knowing it was a reasonably comfortable space and she'd enjoyed her time here a little while ago, it seemed to put Joan at an ease, that much of an ease, plus it being just the two of them, that she leaned down and gently touched her lips to Vera's, the smaller woman reacting immediately and kissing her back, her lean, yet strong arms coming around Joan's waist, crossing her hands at the small of her back, holding the taller woman to her, unable to stop a warm feeling brush over her as she felt Joan's hands cradle her face, securely yet tenderly as they kissed.

 

Parting from the kiss, both women looked at each other, Vera then speaking into the silence.  
"It's very nice to see you too" her smile now turning into a soft grin as she kept her eyes on Joan, her face expressing just how happy she was at seeing the older woman and having her in her house and being near her.  
Wandering her eyes over Vera's face, Joan smiled back at the younger woman, a delicate, shy hue covering her cheeks, unable to hide the fact she was glad to see Vera too and hear Vera vocalise the same, feeling the other woman pull her back into a tight hug, Joan leaning into the embrace, her arms tightening around Vera, hugging her close to her own body, liking feeling Vera so close to her.

 

"I've missed you" came the tender whisper in Joan's ear, a phrase no one ever in her life had directed at her, other horrible things yes, but never this, Joan letting the words actually sink in, holding Vera that little bit tighter, not that she wasn't tight hold of the smaller woman anyway.  
"As....As have I" Joan whispered back, now it was Vera's turn to tighten her own arms around the older woman, a feeling Joan liked.  
Releasing her arms from Joan, but not fully letting her go, Vera pulled back so she could see Joan's face.  
"Can I interest you in joining me for some food?" since she herself hadn't had the chance to eat since she'd gotten home and thought Joan may not have eaten either.  
With a nod Joan accepted Vera's offer, the other woman smiling at her and then releasing Joan from her hold to make her way into the kitchen, Joan standing on the spot and watching her go, accepting Vera's offer allowed her to spend time with the younger woman as she wished and eat some nice food in nice company too, since she herself also hadn't eaten yet.

 

Food prepared, cooked and then eaten, Joan offered to help Vera clean up, the younger woman had done the rest of the work, so the least she could do was tidy up for her.  
At first Vera was a little resistant, saying that Joan didn't have to do that, that she should just relax as she is, enter Joan's own persistence which the younger woman eventually gave into, surmising that the older woman wanted to help, to feel like she'd contributed in some way to the evening and knowing Joan's work ethic she did actually want to feel useful, so the washing up it was.

 

Leaning against the kitchen counter as the older woman stood at the sink, Vera simply looked and smiled, it didn't matter that all she could see was her back, because it was Joan's back, Joan in her kitchen, this alone making her smile to herself.  
Approaching the older woman silently, Vera said nothing as she wrapped her arms around her waist, resting her head on Joan's back, liking the feel of how strong it is, the pleasant curve of her muscles under Vera's face.

 

Another first for the night.  
The first time someone has ever hugged me from behind like this.  
No one has ever hugged me as much as her, and definitely not like this.  
The feel of her arms around my waist, is nicer than I could have imagined, probably because it's her arms.

 

Far from running away, or saying something that may cause Vera to pause or even stop what she was currently doing, Joan simply continued the washing up and enjoyed feeling the younger woman behind and close to her, embracing her, allowing herself to bask in the enjoyment of something so simple but so meaningful at the same time.

 

Retiring to the sofa together a little while later, Vera immediately cuddled into Joan as they sat down, softly voicing how she's glad that Joan came around tonight, adding.  
"I feel safe and cosy like this with you" nuzzling a spot on the older woman's neck with her nose, this simple action suddenly gave Joan a fuzzy and warm feeling, her arms tightening around the smaller woman as she pulled Vera against her that bit more, gently resting her head against Vera's as they settled again, very much enjoying the calm and peaceful setting that they were both in.

 

Time seem to not matter, didn't seem as factor when the atmosphere was like this, it was just there, passing by, a concept of time not really a 'thing' in moments like this, probably why a short time later Vera had fallen fast asleep right where she was, unable to keep her eyes open after her busy day at work and given the comfortable position she was in, even in sleep she stayed fully curled into Joan, not wanting to be any distance away from the older woman, even as she slept.  
This scene in her arms was one that the ex governor couldn't tear her eyes away from, they were fixated to the beauty who was tightly snuggled up to her, fast asleep. 

 

She's that relaxed and comfortable.  
She feels happy and safe.  
So much so that this is what has happened.  
She's fallen asleep in my arms.  
She's trusting me when she's in her most vulnerable state.  
That's how much she trusts me.  
She offers this to me.  
No one in my life has ever felt this comfortable with me.  
Never have they snuggled into me.  
Wanted to be in my arms.  
But she does.  
She does all of this.  
Wants all these things and only with me.  
Wow.  
Vera Bennett you are something else.  
Literally something else.


	28. Chapter 28

Everything was going fine, was 'normal', it was a normal session just like they'd had countless times before, or at least Vera had felt it was nothing out of the ordinary, Joan seemed calm and happy enough in her office.

 

Then a knock at the door.  
Georgia.

 

The other woman putting her head around the door, obviously looking for Vera.  
"Oh I'm sorry I thought you'd finished, I just wanted to give you these printouts you asked about....I'll leave them here" putting said papers on the little side table just next to the door in the office, and then departing, closing the door behind her.

 

A trigger.  
A random trigger.  
Well not as such.  
If it'd been someone else maybe it would've been different.  
Different as in not a trigger.  
But it wasn't someone else.  
It'd been Georgia.  
The nemesis.  
Well in Joan's head she was.  
No nemesis of any kind to Vera.  
To Vera she was her friend, a close friend but that was it.  
But not to Joan.  
Definitely not to Joan.

 

"She...She fancies you" came the random comment into the silence as Vera got up to collect the papers that Georgia had left, and then made her way to her desk to move them out of the way to deal with after her time with Joan had finished.  
The younger woman frowned across at her.  
"Fancies me..no she doesn't" Vera replied immediately, standing next to her office chair.

 

The bursting dam.  
The straw that broke the camel's back.  
The flood gates opened.  
And by god did they open.  
Opened in the form of Joan beginning to rant, rant to the smaller woman about how Georgia will probably take her away, because she's all the things that Joan isn't, that Georgia is easier as a person than she is, less hassle, so no doubt that Vera would find the other woman better.

 

Vera tried to get through to her, tried to break through the haze of jealousy the older woman was feeling, tried to dissipate it, to make Joan see some kind of sense, to see the truth of what she herself felt for Joan, but Joan wasn't listening, her ears couldn't hear the smaller woman's words.  
"I know people don't like me, no one likes me, they all think that I'm used goods, and I know you'll get fed up of me just like everyone else in my fucking life has, they've all left me, abandoned me, no one cares about me, they think that I'm worthless and unlovable, that I'm not good enough, will never be good enough!" anger, jealousy and pain all coming out in waves as she shouted, the physical reaction culminating in her turning over the coffee table in front of her, the movement fluid as she rose from the chair she'd been sitting in, Vera had seen her getting more and more agitated in said chair, and thought she'd no doubt get out of it sooner rather than later the longer the rant had gone on for.

 

Self sabotage, that's what a lot of this was, it was Joan self sabotaging, seeing Georgia had seemed to trigger her abandonment wound she had, one that although slowly healing, was still very much present and raw, and it had been touched today, very much touched.  
"You'll dislike me, hate me now, everyone else in my life has and you will too!!" her voice in full volume, even though if you listened closely you could hear the emotion and pain combined in there too, a slight shake at the end of her sentences, by this time Vera couldn't help the tears that had glazed over her eyes, she couldn't stand Joan saying these untrue and harsh things about herself, add to the fact this seems to be one of those time where Vera herself isn't able to get the older woman to listen to her, to listen to the reality and not her own distorted versions of things in that moment.

 

A quick turn on her heels and the older woman stormed out of the office, marched down the corridor and then out through the main doors of the private hospital, it seemed lucky that most of the other patients in this part of said building had been seen already and the building where they were was relatively empty and quite in terms of staff and patients.  
Suddenly footsteps, but not any footsteps, running ones, and these footsteps were behind her, coming quicker as she headed outside and then started across the car park, they were heading in her direction, so much so that when she heard someone shout her name she couldn't help but turn, turn and stop right where she was, locking her eyes with the last person she expected to see then and there.

 

Georgia.  
The nemesis.  
Her nemesis.

 

"I need a word with you" Georgia stated.  
"Well I'm not interested, go away" Joan replied bluntly and she wasn't interested, definitely not from Georgia.  
"If you'd rather me follow you before you agree to hear me out, then I'm prepared to do that" Georgia's eyes letting Joan know that the woman stood across from her like a shoot out in a Western film meant business, that she would pursue her until the older woman heard her say her piece, whatever this was going to be.

 

Having to begrudgingly cave into the other woman's request, Joan moved with her to the side of the hospital, she may have to listen to whatever she had to say but no way would she do this in the middle of the car park, quiet early evening or not.  
"You were out of line in your outburst to Vera just then" having heard most of that that had been said from her own office a short distance from Vera's, continuing before Joan could say anything and not hear what she felt Joan needed to be told. "All you said about Vera was totally wrong, so so wrong!".  
"It's none of your business what I said or say, none of it at all!" Joan countered, seeing Georgia react again.  
"It is my business when Vera is tears, when she's one of my best friends and you're totally wrong and out of line in what you said to and about her. Vera thinks the world of you, and she'd do literally anything for you, absolutely anything, she's done nothing but talk about you to me, to sing your praises, telling me how nice a person you are and how much she likes you. That she didn't expect to like you this much and in the way that she does, but it has happened and she has no regrets about it and wouldn't change it at all. Maybe you should think about all that Vera has done and continues to do for you, also the things she's said to you and how she's been towards you, the effort she's made and continues to make and then honestly decide, I mean in your soul honest, if this is really someone who wants someone else, who wants me. To decide if she's really as fickle and flaky as you've just ranted about, or if she's actually the opposite of this and you've just blown up for nothing, because you know how much of a diamond woman she actually is, and to have a good think about all of this bullshit you've just come out with, before you make a potentially life changing mistake" starting to make her way back to the building, but pausing a few paces from the door. "Oh and for the record...." watching a shell shocked Joan, not used to someone challenging her like this who wasn't Vera, raise her head to once again lock eyes with her. "I'm straight" opening the side door to the hospital and disappearing inside, leaving Joan stood in total silence, on her own at the side of the building, her mind whirling and whirring with all that Georgia had just said.

 

She's straight.  
No threat.  
My insecurities.  
And I've just ranted and raved at Vera.  
Made her cry.  
And then walked out and left her.  
What have I just gone and done.  
I've just gone and ruined everything.  
Absolutely everything.


	29. Chapter 29

Not even bothering to eat anything, her appetite not there, Joan headed up the stairs and into her bedroom, not even bothering with properly getting ready for bed, taking her cardigan off and slipping under the duvet, looking up at the ceiling, her mind whirring with the events of the last few hours, this being followed by thoughts of their time together separate from the sessions.

 

Thinking about how Vera has been with her, the care and help that she's given and shown to her, and all these things she's given and never asked for anything in return. She's given so much to her and this included liking Joan, wanting to spend time with her, to kiss her, to hold her, what was it Georgia had said to her 'Vera thinks the world of you', no one else, no other woman, just her, just Joan.

 

On this thought, Joan got out of bed, crossed her room and walked into her en suite bathroom, standing in front of the sink and looking into her mirror that was on the wall above said sink. She looked at the face staring back at her, the words of Georgia ringing in her ears, then her mind being filled with images of Vera, the way the younger woman smelt, her hugs, her kisses and her soft skin. 

 

All these nice and warm things were quickly invaded by thoughts of this afternoon, Vera's and Georgia's words taking over, realising what her outburst had truly been like and what damage and hurt it'd caused, it'd been that bad that Georgia had followed her, all the way outside to have her say, and would've carried on following her however long it'd taken to tell her how badly she'd behaved, how she'd made Vera cry.

 

Slap.  
A hard slap.  
A slap she delivered to herself.  
To her own face.  
Once.  
Then twice.  
And a third time.  
Unable to help herself wince at the pain and how it stung.

 

"You deserve this pain, this physical punishment, it's the least you deserve, because you're a stupid, fucking woman, having an outburst at the one woman that you shouldn't! The one woman who has helped you, and cared for you more than anyone else in your pathetic life has, and you've found yourself caring for her too and it's someone you actually like!" she shouted, angry and upset at herself and what she'd done to Vera.

 

Hearing herself say these things, things she'd never said before, it made things even more prominent, prominent in the fact that she came to the realisation that she'd never actually been this bothered about another human being, she'd not cared what they thought, or if they were hurt by her actions and words, Vera is the first that she's fully bothered and been concerned about, feeling massive pangs of guilt and pain for what she's said to the younger woman, and a physical wave of nausea washing over her at the thought of Vera being in her office crying after she'd walked out.

 

As difficult as it was to admit, Georgia was right, right in literally all she said. What Joan had said in temper was the opposite of who and what Vera actually was, in Joan's eyes what she really thought and thinks of Vera is that the woman is an angel in human form, this is what she'd really come to think of her as, not what she'd said hours before.

 

Then it hit, hit even harder, like being hit by a few ten ton trucks, the thought of that maybe due to her volatile behaviour, she very well could've succeeded in messing everything up, hurting and pushing Vera away, destroying every small piece of what had been built from the foundations upwards over the last few months, burning it right to the ground and now she herself was stood in the ashes.

 

Back into the mirror she looked, silent tears flowing paths down her cheeks, the emotion of what she's done unable to be kept inside, it bursting to be set free and in this situation the main way was in the form of tears, said tears also signifying just how aware the older woman was at the potential loss she was facing right then and there, stood in her bathroom, still clothed, one side of her face red and pulsating from self inflicted slaps, eyes puffy and red, with tears cascading like a waterfall down her cheeks.

 

If there was ever a time that the former governor of Wentworth had had her armour stripped off of her and banished to the floor, being made through her own reactive actions to be stood in front of a mirror and look at herself, look straight at the emotion she was showing due to feeling like she had been thrown back to square one again, square one being all alone, with no support, no one caring about her, looking out for her, literally not another soul who knew, let alone cared about the has been that was Joan Ferguson, and all this had occurred through her own hand, no one else was to blame at all for this, this was all on her own shoulders, no one to throw the blame at, no one to direct the rage at because no one else had done any of this, no one had caused this damage, this time all this, every single segment and second was on her shoulders, and what a weight it was feeling like right now, it was like someone had loaded two huge boulders, one on each shoulder and the force of them was affecting her tremendously, it felt like she couldn't prop herself up, couldn't stand up straight, that if she wasn't careful she and her legs might just buckle for good under the pressure, and if they did they might not be strong enough to ever get up again.


	30. Chapter 30

It'd been hours.  
At least two.  
Two or three hours she'd been led here staring at the ceiling, then the wall, and then the other wall, still sleep wouldn't come.

 

Instead her mind ticked.  
Ticked and ticked about all that'd happened the previous afternoon.  
The heavy and pouring rain, mixed with the wind outside that kept hitting her windows wasn't helping being able to sleep either.  
It'd started not long after she'd climbed into bed and still it came down, came down in bucketfuls, that's how big the raindrops sounded anyway.  
Right come on Vera, sleep.

 

Closing her eyes she attempted for the millionth time to sleep, to doze, anything would do right now.

 

Knock knock.  
At the front door.  
Her front door.  
Could it be the wind?  
The wind knocking on her door.  
Not with that kind of sound.  
It was someone outside.  
Someone knocking on her door at 2am.  
2am and in the pouring rain.  
Really?

 

Tentatively she got out of bed and made her way down the stairs, her eyes squinting in the dark to try to see the front door, at this time in the morning no way was she turning all the lights on, especially not when she had no clue who or what was outside.  
Pausing on the mat just inside her door, she took a steadying breath and then slowly clicked the lock open, carefully opening the door a little at the start and then fully when she saw a figure stood there.

 

Joan.

 

Joan stood on the doorstep, the older woman soaked through to the bone, her hair sticking to her face and almost flat on her head, shivering for all she was worth, big brown eyes with a haunted and vulnerable look in them as she fixed her gaze on Vera.  
Shocked, surprised, her eyes wandering over the bedraggled and feeble looking woman currently stood less than a foot away from her in silence, a sight she never associated with Joan, THE Joan Ferguson, the complete opposite in fact. The older woman looking at that very moment like a lost little girl, nothing like the woman Vera first saw and met outside the prison after she'd been released.

 

Not moving from the spot, almost frozen, Joan's shivering increased, as did the fidgeting of her hands, unbeknownst to Vera but the ex governor unable to sleep like herself and her mind filled with horrors had gone walking, here, there, anywhere, she'd just walked and walked, the rain making an appearance as she did and the lack of jacket or proper clothes, and just her comfortable clothes had resulted in her being soaked to the bone, but this was part of her punishment, she deserved to be cold and wet, or should that be freezing with numbness in her limbs and skin, her journey bringing her to Vera's door, maybe the one person she shouldn't have any right to visit or call upon.

 

"I...I'm so...so sorry" came the shaking whisper, and it was shaking, shaking rather a lot, brown eyes moving to the floor and a body stiffened with cold, attempted to make her exit, but she didn't even begin to do this.  
"Have you been walking long?" Vera asked, seeing physically Joan's state it looked like she must have been.  
Brown eyes up to hers and then down again, from side to side as she spoke, not looking at Vera, she gave a nod before whispering.  
"A...A few hours, I...I couldn't sleep, my mind....was....is...racing, I...can't stop it, but...it's..it's my fault because of what...what I said...what I did, it's my...pun...punishment" the words being stammered out, the fullness of her mind clearly making her speech hard, the emotional weight of what she'd done clear to see in the fact she'd been unable to sleep at all and had taken to walking in the rain, in a kind of haze for hours, in the early hours of the morning, it being clear for Vera to see, the woman stood in front of her was deeply troubled by her actions.

 

Silence.  
Total silence between them both.  
It lasted a few minutes.  
A few long minutes.  
Then a move.  
From Vera.

 

Joan's eyes having moved back to the floor and on the smaller woman's bare feet, seeing them move, from being in front of her on the mat, to stepping to the side and holding the door open, this making the older woman look up, look up but didn't move, she didn't quite understand, didn't want to get anything else wrong, not even the slightest gesture.  
And Vera saw this, she saw the uncertainty, the fear, the anguish, Joan statue like in her stance.  
"You can come in" Vera said softly, this statement giving the older woman permission to move, to enter the house, stepping onto the mat Vera had previously been stood on, the younger woman closing the door and then standing near the staircase.  
"Why did you say those things Joan?" wanting to understand, to make things more clear, to clear her own mind.

 

One chance.  
The one chance she never thought she'd get.  
A chance at honesty, to tell Vera why.  
To be vulnerable.  
She closed her eyes, swallowed hard, steadied her shaking frame as much as she could, slowly opening her brown eyes to look at Vera.

 

"I...I was scared, very scared, all people have ever done to me in my life is leave me, they'd tell me I....I wasn't good enough, even though I'd try so hard, I wasn't good enough...even...even my own father thought this and he'd tell me so all the time, he didn't like me, didn't love me, would tell me no one ever could, because I was unlovable, a nuisance and if he said this and thought this, then....then maybe he was right, maybe no one could love or like someone like me. I...I..." a big swallow with the remaining ounce of energy she felt she had. "I....I didn't mean...mean what I said to you...I..I didn't..." shaking her head. "I....I just...just want someone to like...like me, to be... to be good enough, to...to not feel this pain anymore" the dam of emotions bursting at the seams, rushing forth like an avalanche, tears pouring down her cheeks as she broke into heavy sobs, her breathing turning uneven and into gasps as she cried, the weight of all she'd been feeling bringing the usually strong and tall woman literally to her knees.

 

Seeing this collapse in front of her Vera moved over to her, her own blue eyes filling with tears, Joan's remorse and pain clear to see, standing in front of Joan and pulling her to her, the other woman's head to her stomach and stroking her hair soothingly, offering words of comfort before saying something Joan never thought she'd ever hear.

 

"You're good enough for me".

 

These words stilling Joan's sobs, stilling her breathing, stilling her entire being for a few seconds, trying to get her brain to take in said words, to process them.  
Sniffling softly she timidly lifted her head to glance at the woman she was currently leaning against, her eyes red from the tears, pain etched into her face, brushed all over her features, it blindingly obvious to Vera how much regret and remorse she had for all she'd said and done.  
Momentarily moving her hands from Joan's hair, Vera cradled the older woman's face, looking down at the woman on her knees in front of her, her blue eyes taking in Joan's face, studying her, how could anyone not like this face, impossible.  
"I forgive you Joan".


End file.
